Does My Teen Really Need Me Anymore?

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Several years ago, as a Human Resource Manager for a large engineering firm, one of my jobs was to interview employees who decided to leave the company. At the time, I was pregnant with my first, so I didn’t fully grasp the concept of total commitment to parenting. As this employee told me that she was choosing to stay home with her children, I asked, “Aren’t your children in their teens?”

She shook her head affirming my question.

“You are such a valued employee and could actually retire in a few years. If your children are almost grown, then why would you decide to stay home NOW?” I naively inquired.

The look on her face said it all. She was trying hard not to share the story with a “too young to possibly understand and never been a mother” co-worker.

“My children need me and tomorrow will be my last day,” she stated in a matter of fact tone.

I later asked her manager if he knew why she was choosing to leave. My immaturity left me totally baffled and I wanted to fully understand. “Her son is in trouble. She thinks if she is home, she can help turn things around.”

“What an awful situation to be in,” I pondered as I now had at least a little insight into what this woman was facing and why she was leaving a job she obviously enjoyed.

Psalm 127:3

Behold, children are a gift of the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.

As I ponder this story now, I know exactly what this woman was feeling. She treasured her children. As a mother, she was willing to give up a job she loved to get her son the help he needed.

Unfortunately, it usually takes a time of crisis before we really remember the treasure that is living under our roof.

It’s easy to remember that children are a gift from the Lord when they fit in the crook of our arm, nurse at our breast, or bring those weed/flowers from the backyard as a tender gesture of love. But then they get to the size where they can wear our shoes, our clothes, and are almost as tall as we are, and they start exercising their independence in ways that are foreign to us. We forget that we need to be doing everything in our power to maintain relationship with these tweens and teens even though they are pushing our buttons.

Sometimes we also forget that our children have to learn life lessons. They will make mistakes, but through them they will grow to be mature adults. My dare to you today is to remember that even when your tweens and teens are making life difficult for you and pushing the limits, they are still your treasure. You are at a time in your life when they do still need you.

Dare you to give up something today to spend time with those you treasure and encourage them in the process.  After all, “whatever we pay attention to grows”.

“Let go…and let God,”

It’s the Little Things that Count

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If you are like me, you’ve celebrated every big event your kids have had.   Whether it is first day of high school, getting their temps, high school graduation or any other thing that they’ve worked hard for, you probably have pictures galore to show for the celebration–balloons, gifts, or maybe, food and friends made it a special event.  It is total excitement to watch our kids achieve a milestone setting them on a path toward success and independence.

You know the time is coming, you anxiously plan the special day, and as a mom, you are beaming with pride looking at what God is accomplishing in your child’s life.

But do you celebrate or find ways to bless in the little things?

If you will, let me elaborate a little bit here to give you a glimpse of what I’m talking about.

God has allowed a roller coaster of emotion for me this week.  I’ve cried more, laughed more, prayed more, hugged more, and contemplated more than I have ever done in such a short amount of time.  And in the midst of it all God seems to be telling me how faithful he has been.

My youngest son called me this week to let me know that he had finished his last final for the semester.  We celebrated his freedom from studies for the summer over the phone.  Did I communicate more about how proud I was of his hard work at school or did I focus more on what he needs to get done to get himself settled back home for the summer?

My second son spent his Saturday helping us move furniture–and it was an all-day job.  Did I communicate how much we appreciated his sacrifice of time and energy?  Did I also let his wife know how thankful we were that she was willing to let him help us rather than what she might have wanted him to do?

My oldest son and his wife announced that we’re going to be grandparents this year!  Will I be the a know-it-all mother giving unsolicited advice or will I be there to support the decisions they make and interject only when asked?  Will I encourage them and ask permission to be involved at the level I desire giving them the option to set boundaries without getting upset?

My daughter made a really wise but difficult decision this week–one that has taken her a while to make.  Will I encourage her as she moves in a new direction applauding the baby steps or will I push her to do the things I think make the most sense?

My husband has worked hard physically and emotionally this week as we’ve made some difficult transitions.  Will I encourage him to rest and move forward slowly or will I dump my feelings and frustrations on him along with my to-do list in an effort to relieve my own transition stress?

Yes, celebrating the milestones is important, but sometimes we need to take stock of the little achievements in life and celebrate in a way that blesses those around us–that includes our own milestones.

  • Did you pause before responding in anger?
  • Did you see your teen do something positive and let her know that you noticed?
  • Did you communicate “thanks” to your tween when typically you would have remained silent?
  • Did you applaud the baby steps for trying, even if your teen failed?
  • Have you looked your teen in the eye recently and told them 5 things that you are thankful for about them?

We are the relationship architects in our homes and what we pay attention to grows!

Dare you to join me in trying to celebrate the little things in life and heap blessing on those around us.  If we do, our relationships will blossom and our kids, our friends, and our husbands will know that we respect them as capable human beings created by God.

Ephesians 2:10

We are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which He prepared beforehand so that we might walk in them.

Philippians 1:6

Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:

“Let go…and let God”,

 

 

 

 

What Will Be Different This Year?

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At the beginning of the year, I’ve usually made my list of projects that have sat dormant throughout the holiday season and I resolve to complete them.  

Somewhere in the list is the contemplation of the top 10 behaviors I want to  instill in my kids.  You know the ones I’m talking about– changing those behaviors that either embarrass me or make me go livid.  

By week two of the new year  life has gotten back to semi-normal after the busy holiday season and the top 10 resolutions have started falling by the wayside.  It doesn’t surprise me.  By the end of the year I probably won’t remember them anyway.

So this year I’m proposing that whatever resolutions you may be struggling to keep might be better served with only one new resolution.

Galatians 5:22-23

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.”

Imagine what life in your home might look like if that was your focus.  What if you modeled this for your kids on a daily basis?

What if instead of getting angry you handled a situation with gentleness or kindness?

What if instead of acting on your fear you chose self-control knowing that God will be faithful to take care of your kids or the situation?

What if you responded with a quiet and gentle voice instead of spewing hurtful words at your teens?

So here’s a way to get started in your home.

  1. Focus on the scripture above.  If our desire is to have a more loving, peaceful, and self-controlled family, we as parents need to model it.  Focus on the good that we see in our tweens and teens.  Whatever we pay attention to grows.
  2. Define the problems.  When tempers rise try to get to the root of the issue.  Understanding the root cause helps put together a better solution.
  3. Find a solution that all those involved can live with. For example, if Rachel goes ballistic every time her younger sister comes into her room, set specific ways for both girls to respond in the future making sure they both agree to their new behavior in the next circumstance.
  4. Create accountability.  In other words, make sure to create an environment for honest feedback communicated in a healthy way so that others know when they are hitting the mark or falling short.  Remember it is always better to catch our teens doing things right.
  5. Pray for our kids relationships–with you and your spouse and with their siblings. 

God is our resource for each of the virtues above.  When I am struggling to be kind, it is up to me to reach out to Him for that extra dose of kindness that I need to give to someone.  The same holds true for love, joy, peace…

Now it’s time to be honest.  Sometimes we all struggle with this.  It’s hard.  But here’s a story one mom shared about how focusing on these virtues began to change her responses with one particular teen.

“I don’t think it matters how many kids you have, but one of them seems to grate on you.  For me it was my son who always chose to do the wrong thing.  Things got so bad in our home that I didn’t care if I did anything for him.  He didn’t want to listen to my suggestions or take advice from anyone. Eventually he ended up in trouble with the law.  

I know that it is hard to fathom a mother thinking these things, but my thoughts went something like this, “he’s finally getting what he deserves.  Maybe this will teach him something.”  I think I was so frustrated and hurt that I just wanted someone else to put him in his place hoping that he would learn how to do the right thing.

Recently we’ve been texting a lot.  It gives me time to think before I respond to him.  I’ve been trying to respond out of love instead of frustration.  I try to share the joy of us interacting with each other.  When he tells me he has made a decision, even though I don’t agree with it, I ask myself if he could have made a worse decision.  The answer is usually yes. That allows me to respond with a kind word–after all, it could be worse.

Self-control of my words and actions with him is not easy, but I’m finding myself relying on the Holy Spirit in me to prompt me in our interactions.  My son is beginning to trust me more and is asking for my opinion occasionally.  And if nothing else, that’s a start.”

Dare you to begin your new year focused on one new resolution–to become more like Jesus in your responses as you interact with your tweens and teens.

“Let go… and let God”,