How Does Your Family Communicate?

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It’s easy as parents to try to communicate with all our children the same.  And typically, we tend to communicate with our kids in the way we grew up.  Some families look at communication as a way to make sure their kids are tough, resilient, and able to withstand whatever life sends their way.

But should we put more thought into the way we communicate with our family?

Are we aware, truly aware, of the sensitivity of some of our kids?  What might be considered joking and fooling around to one of our kids might actually feel like bullying to another–a feeling of not measuring up.

I came from a family where put-downs were commonplace.  With five brothers, the game of one-upsmanship was a daily endeavor and as the only girl I learned to  play it well.  Then, I  married into a family where sarcasm was a sport.  Quick wit resulted in words spoken with a hint of sting.  During our dating years I didn’t know quite how to handle the ridicule, but it didn’t take long for me to learn how to dish it out with the best of them.  Words rolled off my tongue as slippery glass ready to take down the next opponent.  

I’ll admit that at times the sarcasm continued even after we had kids.  My husband and I had continued our families’ traditions mainly because that is what we’d learned as normal family behavior.  Neither of us were the sensitive type so we’d usually laugh, pretend that we were keeping score, and move on to the next opportunity for a take down.

But then we witnessed the same behavior in our kids.

Ouch! Talk about seeing yourself in the mirror!

Noticing the same behavior from our kids gave us a wake-up call.  Dave and I joked about how we were trying to get the genie back in the bottle.  It took work, lots of work, to teach our kids to treat each other with kindness and respect instead of sarcasm and contempt.  Some learned better than others.

We noticed that a couple of our kids were more sensitive than the others to the verbal sarcasm that was hurled.  Others relished in the game.  It became a juggling act of the right consistency of discipline for the abuser and empathy for the one with hurt feelings.

A few weeks ago it hit me as our pastor spoke on Sunday morning about relationships and the need to communicate appropriately to the receiver.  

Do we communicate as we’ve been taught to communicate growing up (as in one-upsmanship language or sarcasm and contempt), or do we communicate in a way the other person needs to hear?

Here’s another way to think about it.  Are we speaking to hear ourselves or are we communicating to be heard from the other person.

Hmm…something to ponder.

Our pastor used the analogy of talking with his two kids.  With his son he needs to be very direct–laying out the process, making sure he understands.  But his daughter is more sensitive.  Speaking to her in the same way he speaks to his son would crush her sensitive spirit.  She needs the language of respect.

Oh my, do we crush our kid’s sensitive spirit with what we see as humor?  Is our humor borderline bullying masked in sarcasm?  Are we crushing our children’s sensitive spirit and allowing siblings to do the same without much intervention because we don’t know what to do? 

Old habits are difficult to extinguish even though I’ve worked hard to wipe sarcasm from my lips.  When I’m back with my brothers, I can easily slip back into my old ways of communicating and have to ask God for forgiveness.  At times I see the old patterns slip in with my now adult children.  

Romans 7:15

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

Just last week I found myself saying something that rolled off my tongue before I gave it thought.  Really?  After almost 30 years of trying to rid myself of this habit it reared it’s ugly head.

1 Peter 2:1

Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind.

I repented and asked the person for forgiveness.  I even confessed my sin to my husband, Dave–after all, this is something that we’ve both worked hard on over the years.

And then my husband shared with me about what he calls his GEL project.

He’s become more aware of the ease with which our adult children have slipped into our old patterns now that we all live in the same city and are together more.  Yes, they’re adults, but we’re still trying to teach in a relationship-type way.  Here’s our new mantra.

  • “G” stands for grace.  Grace that we extend to the person who violates the ” no one-upsmanship or sarcasm” new family tradition.  We also remind that person that they need to extend grace to the person who they feel the need to put down.  All we have to do is say the word grace and the offender knows what we are talking about.
  • “E” stands for empathy.  Each of us needs to extend empathy to the other person for the mistakes they make, for not measuring up, or for things that sometimes happen to them.  We learn to understand the feelings the other person has and listen when they voice their frustration of the words spoken to them.  Empathy is especially needed in communicating with those who are more sensitive.
  • “L” stands for love.  We love each other as 1 Corinthians 13:4-7  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Dare you to look at the way your family communicates and take action on whatever needs to change.  Maybe you should institute a GEL project in your home.   Awareness of how we are to treat others will not only change the culture in our homes, but if we can teach our kids to take it out into the world, who knows what changes might happen.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Interested in leading a parenting Bible study that will have women sharing on a deep level from the beginning?  Want them to walk away with a WOW! experience?  With All Due Respect will do just that and we promise to make it easy to lead.  You don’t need to be a perfect parent; you don’t need to have perfect kids; and you don’t need to have ever led a group before.

Dare ya!

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Adults Have Influence With Your Teens?

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Did you know that teenagers who seem to have the best success moving into healthy adulthood have a “community” of adults walking beside them?

The first place to look for that community is obviously at home.  Are both you and your spouse invested in your children in a positive way—daily? If not, find ways to connect on a relational level and not just a transactional level.  In other words, talk about something that is important to your child.  Don’t just focus on what he needs to do.

The next thing to consider is the connection of extended family.  Are grandparents and maybe some aunts, uncles, and cousins engaged enough to enhance the spiritual growth of your kids?  Extended family is important as it helps kids figure out who they are, where they belong, and is an essential piece in helping our tweens and teens understand the bigger picture of the world they will be launched into.

However, let’s face it, with the transient nature of our world today, it’s not the norm for extended family to live in close proximity.  If your family is like ours, we’re scattered from one coast to the other and even across the Atlantic.  Family get-togethers are next to impossible.  For us cousins see each other at weddings and barely know each other. Aunts and uncles sometimes have only bits and pieces of information about our kids.  That means our kids are not truly known by the family.

That’s why community is so important.  We need to help our kids connect to people who can impact their lives in a positive way.  They need to have relationship with people that have similar values to our own.

I love what Reggie Joiner and Carey Nieuwhof say in their book, Parenting Beyond Your Capacity. “When you widen your circle, the goal is to have other trusted adults in the lives of your children before they need them so they will be there when they need them.

Think about that.  What Joiner and Nieuwhof are really saying is that those relationships need to be forged now while our kids are still under our roof.

We’re not talking about acquaintances here.  We’re talking about people who are willing to pour into our kids, affirming them, giving them sound advice, and building trust.  These are people who are actively choosing to connect with our teens.

If these people are in place early in our kid’s lives, then when trouble brews (and it most likely will), and our kids don’t feel as though they can come to us, there is someone who can be there for them pointing them in the right direction.

Here’s a statistic for you–  

Mark Kelly from LifeWay Christian Resources says “Teens who had at least one adult from church make a significant time investment in their lives…were more likely to keep attending church. Of those who stayed in church—by a margin of 46 to 28 percent—said five or more adults at church had invested time with them personally and spiritually.”

That means we need to help our kids find meaningful relationships in the church—and lots of them.

So where do we start?

Create community with those who live near you and have similar values.

I didn’t realize the significance of that community until my son’s graduation party several years ago. 

The whirlwind day had been planned and the only thing left was execution—or so I thought.  As we hurried out of church to start the setup before guests arrived, I saw my son walk up to a man and shake his hand.  “I’m looking forward to seeing you this afternoon at my graduation party.”

Shocked beyond belief and feeling like I wanted to hide under a rock, it hit me that I had obviously left someone important to my son off the guest list. Somehow I managed to pull myself together enough to apologize profusely and invited the man and his wife to our home for the celebration.  In the car on our way home my son rattled off his list of memories with this important man in his life.  I was absolutely amazed at the depth of their relationship.

Even though my son has graduated from college and been out on his own for several years now, he has maintained a relationship with this dear man—and to think that as a mother I had no idea as to the significance of their connection. 

What I discovered was that this man had impacted my son from AWANA and continued connecting with him regularly—just to say “hi” and ask him what he was doing in his life.  He made my son feel important and significant.

What more could a mom want for her child?

So how do you build that community? 

  • Encourage your kids to participate in activities that will naturally breed relationship. I mentioned AWANA which is a fun kid’s program that focuses on scripture memory, but good youth programs or retreats will do the same thing.  Find a program where the leaders want to be there and love kids.  Make sure your kids are encouraged by the adult leaders and that relationship is built one-on-one.
  • Find families with similar age kids and create your own community. Have a cookout, go camping together, find ways to engage the families such that the adults get to know the kids and are willing to pour into them.  Create activities where your kids will be known by the other adults.
  • Become friends with parents who are further along in the parenting process. Empty-nesters are a great place to connect.  Not only do they have time to pour into our kids but they have the experience to help us navigate the bumps in the road when things get difficult.  Treasure these people like pure gold.

My oldest had one of those ‘pure gold’ people in his life.  This gentleman met with my son weekly over coffee from the time my son was 16.  Not only would they meet at my son’s favorite place, but I’d frequently see them together in the hallway at church on Sunday morning.  On occasion, after my son had given him permission, I would get a call from this dear soul asking to pray with me about a particular situation my son had shared with him. 

Wow!  Talk about connection.

There was a time in my son’s life when he was contemplating some heavy decisions about his then upcoming marriage.  Yes, my son spoke to both my husband and me about what he was wrestling with, but his first thought was to go to this beloved mentor.  I thank God for this awesome man who has so touched our family.

Whether we want to believe it or not, our teens don’t want to tell us everything.  They need people who will pour into them and bridge the gap just like this Godly man did for us.

Dare You to start looking for adults outside the family to create connection for your teens.  I guarantee it will be worth the time invested!

“Let go…and let God”,

Kids are back in school (at least some of them) and it’s a great time to get a group of moms together to grow in your parenting–even if it is on-line.  Why not grab a copy of With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens & Tweens and go through the book?  Churches across the country are using it in their Women’s Bible Studies as well as their parenting groups.  In 9 weeks you’ll have built a community to lean on during your parenting struggles.  And if you have great kids already, you’ll still grow as you move into the launch phase of parenting.  If nothing else, we know that the book will help you grow in your relationship with God.  Try it!  We Dare You!

Want to lead with confidence?  Check out our With All Due Respect Leader’s Guide.

 

 

What’s Beneath the Surface?

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Hair seems to be the topic of conversation this week.  Regardless of who I’m talking with, someone makes a hair comment or tells their funny, ridiculous story.

Why is it that we get so emotional about hair?  And what is really going on beneath the surface? (pun intended. 🙂 )

Early in the week a friend asked me where I got my hair cut.  I was sporting a new sassy hairstyle — she obviously liked it and started talking about her own hair and how drab it made her feel.  Hmm…

Observation:  We “feel” passionate about our hair.  Hair gives us an “identity”.

Hope you will stay with me here, because this really has a point in the parenting realm.

The next day I was sitting with two women doing a video conference.  The first thing we all did as we saw our reflection in the camera monitor was fix our hair.  And, I’ll admit, look side-to-side to make sure the other person didn’t outdo us.  I’ll even go as far as admitting that the small voice inside me was going “I wish I could have hair like hers”.

Observation:  Yes, “vanity” is within all of us.  We want to “look” and “live up to” whatever we’ve defined as the best.

Now let’s translate this to our teens.  After all, in a lot of ways they are no different from us.  The want to “look” their best as they have defined it.  The want to “live up to” their definition of being accepted.  They “feel” passionate about defining who they are and they’ll use hair to do it.  Call it “vanity” or pride or self-discovery — yet it is part of determining who they are as they mature into adulthood.

And all those things are also true of us when it comes to our kids.  We think that how our kids “look” defines us.  We want them to “live up to” our definition of acceptance.  And we “feel” passionate about our definition of who we want our kids to be — and it includes their looks — their hair.

Graduation pictures are coming up soon for a lot of seniors and I’m hearing the stories: 

  • She wants pink hair!  What can I do?
  • There is no way I’m letting him get a Mohawk!  
  • It’s jet black and he looks like a thug.  His friends don’t want to hang out with him anymore.  I’m embarrassed to be seen with him.

And I’ll say it again. 

“What’s beneath the surface?”

What is going on with your teen relation-ally? 

What are they feeling? 

Why is the hair so important to them?

Why is their hair so important to you?

My guess is–it’s not about the hair at all.  

Could it be that it is about vanity and pride within us?  Ouch!

I pulled out my high school yearbook a few years ago.  After the dust cleared I looked at the senior pictures.  What did our family laugh about?

The hairstyles!

And as I look through the mounds of pictures that I’ve been sorting to put into albums, the ones that get chosen are the ones that define my kids at one point in time.

  • My son with the gross orange blond hair as he stood by his friend in the Florida sunshine.
  • My son with the huge fro because the entire drum line decided to grow their hair out.  He was the only one whose band hat would no longer sit appropriately on his head.
  • My daughter with curls that couldn’t be tamed all because everyone was sporting a perm.
  • My son the skinhead because that’s what swimmers do.

My suggestion to moms is simple, “don’t worry about the hair”.  The hair can be changed tomorrow.

Instead, focus on what is underneath the surface — the feelings, insecurities, and the wanting to fit in.  Build the relationship over the conflict.  Validate the emotion and sit in their space connecting over what is important to them — not you.

And 10, 25, and even 30 years from now as you look back over those senior pictures, you’ll have a story to tell about that one point in time…

Where it was all about the hair.

And if you’ve focused on what is beneath the surface, you’ll laugh about it together.

Colossians 3:2 

Keep your mind on things above, not on worldly things.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

 

 

 

 

The Best Gift You Can Give Your 20-Something

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Having had four teenagers under one roof at the same time, I know what it was like to literally feel as though every second was accounted for. I took my role as Mom seriously having given up a corporate job when my kids were little. For me, motherhood became a passion, a calling that I was going to strive to do to the best of my ability. I’ve packed lunches, driven to more sporting events than I care to admit, sat and talked until the wee hours of the morning with an upset teen, attempted to keep the house clean, tried to keep food on the table (that’s hard with three boys to feed!) and, well, you get the picture.

Then all of a sudden, the house got silent…deathly silent. The house stayed clean. There were only two sets of dishes. Laundry could be done in three loads once a week instead of being a full-time job.

I was lucky! I got an inkling of what goes on in those 20-something heads when they first started to leave the nest.

It all began with my oldest, right before he moved out of the house for that permanent transition.

“Mom, what are you going to do with all your time when we’re all gone? You’ve spent your life doing for us. What are you going to do for you?”

It was an innocent question that I thought was so endearing. He was worried about me? I gave him a laundry list of all the things that I needed to catch up on. You know, that list of things you wish you could get done but never have time for while you have kids in the house.

He called me one day about a month or so after moving out. We spent most of time talking about his new job, his apartment, his friends and all the other “new” in his life. After he caught me up on everything that was happening in his world, he asked me, “So, Mom, what did you do today?”

Even though I had accomplished quite a bit by my expectation: cleaned out the closet, paid the bills, fixed three meals and cleaned up the kitchen, had my quiet time, talked to a friend, picked up his brother from school…I could tell he wanted more. He was looking for something exciting in my life.

As I contemplated the conversation later, the light bulb went on! “Oh, I get it! He wants to be free to go live his life now!”

By the time my fourth was leaving for college, I was prepared for the conversation that took place.

“Mom, what are you going to do with all your time when I’m gone? It’s time for you to do something for you!”

I had a plan in place. “I’m going to work for a ministry, Michael. I’m going to do what God is calling me to do.” And I excitedly started sharing my anticipation of the days ahead when he left. His shoulders relaxed–and a smile came to his face–he seemed content.

It was okay to leave.

Now, on days when my kids call, I can share with them how I’ve spent my time. I share with excitement…because they are interested! They want to know that I’m passionately living my life!

What I’ve come to realize is that most kids need the freedom to “fly from the nest” knowing that we’ll have a life outside of theirs. While they are flapping their wings, they want us to soar too. If we are happy and busily engaged in our own lives (of course, still leaving room for them), doing something productive, we’ll still have lots to talk about even though we aren’t intimately involved in the daily activity of their lives.

One of the best gifts we can give our 20-somethings is the assurance that we will thrive even though we aren’t part of their daily lives.

Proverbs 31:28-29

Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”

“Let go…and let God,”


 

Is Your Home Filled With Laughter?

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When our kids are little it is easy to laugh at the cute things they say and do.  Even during those early years of school we watch with excitement as they encounter new experiences and are filled with wonder.  And then as our kids become tweens and teens the climate in most homes changes.  Instead of laughter, life gets serious — sometimes too serious.

Maybe it’s our kids pushing our patience or their mouthiness that makes us as parents feel the need to control.  I think sometimes we realize that our kids are no longer those sweet, innocent children any more and we become fearful of the possibilities and reality of what could happen if they make the wrong choices.  We push them to strive for excellence in school or in sports because college is looming up ahead and we come to the realization that someone needs to pay for it.

Whatever the circumstance with your teens, take time to fill your home with laughter.

I was talking to a mom a few weeks ago and could feel the weight of heaviness resting on her shoulders.  She was giving me a list of all the things her teenage son wasn’t doing.  It was obvious that mom had certain expectations that her son was not fulfilling.  Blame was heavy as we talked.  She no longer found joy in this son, only condemnation.  Laughter was the furthest thing from her mind.

I’ll admit I’ve been in that place at times.  When our kids are doing things that cause us fear and anxiety it is easy to be so afraid that we can’t find any joy in any moment.  At times it seems they aren’t listening to anything we ask them to do.  That’s when it is time to take our thoughts captive.  It’s when we need to be able to think quickly on our feet in order to turn the difficult moment into a memorable opportunity filled with laughter.  It’s where we show our kids that the joy of the Lord is our strength.

So what can that look like?

  1. When there is conflict in the house, have a family code word.  In our house there is a code word that will bring laughter to any situation.  If we hear siblings arguing, either Dave or I will enter the room and quietly watch the verbal match.  When the right opportunity presents itself, we say the code word and immediately change the subject.  Inevitably, our kids will look at each other, then they’ll look at us, and laughter will fill the air.  Everyone in the family knows the code word and everyone has permission to use it.  It means unhook the bickering and laugh!
  2. Find the positive in every situation.  Even disaster can have a silver lining if we take time to look.  If your teen flunks a class, he’ll have opportunity to prove himself again and learn from the mistake.  If your daughter wrecks the car, she’ll most likely become a more careful driver.  If your teen is still breathing, that is the positive — find joy in that moment.
  3. Be mindful of the now.  Too many times we fearfully get wrapped up in what could happen in the future — won’t get into college, won’t get a scholarship, will end up doing something stupid like alcohol or drugs, or whatever is your greatest fear.  Work on the now and the future will take care of itself.  Find joy in the moment and love your teen right where he is.  Remind yourself that the future is in God’s hands.
  4. Find time to do fun things with your teens.  You know your kids better than anyone.  Try doing some of the things that they like to do with them.  Chances are you’ll bring laughter to the room as you try to lip sync or play one of their video games with them.  I’ll never forget being in the mall with my son as we both tried to do DDR (Dance, Dance Revolution for those who don’t know what that is :))  My son never laughed so hard as I drew a crowd in the mall as the worst player ever.  It’s a great memory for both of us.
  5. Take negative comments and situations and turn them into laughter moments.  My husband, Dave, is the expert at this in our home and I’m working hard on it.  When one of our now 20-somethings comes out with a sharp accusation or negative comment, Dave will take it and put a spin of laughter on it.  Just like Dare 15 in With All Due Respect, quick thinking with a dose of humor can turn a difficult moment into an opportunity to teach respect.

Proverbs 31:25 (NLT)

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

Nehemiah 8:10b

“Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

Dare you to not take life quite so seriously when your kids become tweens and teens.  Humor in the difficulties of life can bring opportunity to model respect and provide teaching opportunities much more than lectures and condemnation.  

“Let go…and Let God”,

Want a way to connect with other Moms?  Why not grab a copy of With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens & Tweens and go through the book together.  Whether your kids are 9 or 29, you’ll find the questions will apply to your parenting.  You can also connect with us in the With All Due Respect eCourse on Facebook.  It’s free for a limited time.

Here’s what Shaunti Feldhahn, Social Researcher and Best Selling Author of For Women Only had to say:

“A spectacular tool for every mom who has heard the advice “be purposeful,” and wondered, “But what does that mean?  This ultra-practical guidebook shows each of us what it means.  Step by step, day by day, this amazing resource will walk each of us into being the godly moms we all deeply want to be, to have the impact on our kids we are all longing for.”

It’s the Little Things that Count

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If you are like me, you’ve celebrated every big event your kids have had.   Whether it is first day of high school, getting their temps, high school graduation or any other thing that they’ve worked hard for, you probably have pictures galore to show for the celebration–balloons, gifts, or maybe, food and friends made it a special event.  It is total excitement to watch our kids achieve a milestone setting them on a path toward success and independence.

You know the time is coming, you anxiously plan the special day, and as a mom, you are beaming with pride looking at what God is accomplishing in your child’s life.

But do you celebrate or find ways to bless in the little things?

If you will, let me elaborate a little bit here to give you a glimpse of what I’m talking about.

God has allowed a roller coaster of emotion for me this week.  I’ve cried more, laughed more, prayed more, hugged more, and contemplated more than I have ever done in such a short amount of time.  And in the midst of it all God seems to be telling me how faithful he has been.

My youngest son called me this week to let me know that he had finished his last final for the semester.  We celebrated his freedom from studies for the summer over the phone.  Did I communicate more about how proud I was of his hard work at school or did I focus more on what he needs to get done to get himself settled back home for the summer?

My second son spent his Saturday helping us move furniture–and it was an all-day job.  Did I communicate how much we appreciated his sacrifice of time and energy?  Did I also let his wife know how thankful we were that she was willing to let him help us rather than what she might have wanted him to do?

My oldest son and his wife announced that we’re going to be grandparents this year!  Will I be the a know-it-all mother giving unsolicited advice or will I be there to support the decisions they make and interject only when asked?  Will I encourage them and ask permission to be involved at the level I desire giving them the option to set boundaries without getting upset?

My daughter made a really wise but difficult decision this week–one that has taken her a while to make.  Will I encourage her as she moves in a new direction applauding the baby steps or will I push her to do the things I think make the most sense?

My husband has worked hard physically and emotionally this week as we’ve made some difficult transitions.  Will I encourage him to rest and move forward slowly or will I dump my feelings and frustrations on him along with my to-do list in an effort to relieve my own transition stress?

Yes, celebrating the milestones is important, but sometimes we need to take stock of the little achievements in life and celebrate in a way that blesses those around us–that includes our own milestones.

  • Did you pause before responding in anger?
  • Did you see your teen do something positive and let her know that you noticed?
  • Did you communicate “thanks” to your tween when typically you would have remained silent?
  • Did you applaud the baby steps for trying, even if your teen failed?
  • Have you looked your teen in the eye recently and told them 5 things that you are thankful for about them?

We are the relationship architects in our homes and what we pay attention to grows!

Dare you to join me in trying to celebrate the little things in life and heap blessing on those around us.  If we do, our relationships will blossom and our kids, our friends, and our husbands will know that we respect them as capable human beings created by God.

Ephesians 2:10

We are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which He prepared beforehand so that we might walk in them.

Philippians 1:6

Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:

“Let go…and let God”,