The Best Gift You Can Give Your 20-Something

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Having had four teenagers under one roof at the same time, I know what it was like to literally feel as though every second was accounted for. I took my role as Mom seriously having given up a corporate job when my kids were little. For me, motherhood became a passion, a calling that I was going to strive to do to the best of my ability. I’ve packed lunches, driven to more sporting events than I care to admit, sat and talked until the wee hours of the morning with an upset teen, attempted to keep the house clean, tried to keep food on the table (that’s hard with three boys to feed!) and, well, you get the picture.

Then all of a sudden, the house got silent…deathly silent. The house stayed clean. There were only two sets of dishes. Laundry could be done in three loads once a week instead of being a full-time job.

I was lucky! I got an inkling of what goes on in those 20-something heads when they first started to leave the nest.

It all began with my oldest, right before he moved out of the house for that permanent transition.

“Mom, what are you going to do with all your time when we’re all gone? You’ve spent your life doing for us. What are you going to do for you?”

It was an innocent question that I thought was so endearing. He was worried about me? I gave him a laundry list of all the things that I needed to catch up on. You know, that list of things you wish you could get done but never have time for while you have kids in the house.

He called me one day about a month or so after moving out. We spent most of time talking about his new job, his apartment, his friends and all the other “new” in his life. After he caught me up on everything that was happening in his world, he asked me, “So, Mom, what did you do today?”

Even though I had accomplished quite a bit by my expectation: cleaned out the closet, paid the bills, fixed three meals and cleaned up the kitchen, had my quiet time, talked to a friend, picked up his brother from school…I could tell he wanted more. He was looking for something exciting in my life.

As I contemplated the conversation later, the light bulb went on! “Oh, I get it! He wants to be free to go live his life now!”

By the time my fourth was leaving for college, I was prepared for the conversation that took place.

“Mom, what are you going to do with all your time when I’m gone? It’s time for you to do something for you!”

I had a plan in place. “I’m going to work for a ministry, Michael. I’m going to do what God is calling me to do.” And I excitedly started sharing my anticipation of the days ahead when he left. His shoulders relaxed–and a smile came to his face–he seemed content.

It was okay to leave.

Now, on days when my kids call, I can share with them how I’ve spent my time. I share with excitement…because they are interested! They want to know that I’m passionately living my life!

What I’ve come to realize is that most kids need the freedom to “fly from the nest” knowing that we’ll have a life outside of theirs. While they are flapping their wings, they want us to soar too. If we are happy and busily engaged in our own lives (of course, still leaving room for them), doing something productive, we’ll still have lots to talk about even though we aren’t intimately involved in the daily activity of their lives.

One of the best gifts we can give our 20-somethings is the assurance that we will thrive even though we aren’t part of their daily lives.

Proverbs 31:28-29

Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”

“Let go…and let God,”


 

It’s the Little Things that Count

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If you are like me, you’ve celebrated every big event your kids have had.   Whether it is first day of high school, getting their temps, high school graduation or any other thing that they’ve worked hard for, you probably have pictures galore to show for the celebration–balloons, gifts, or maybe, food and friends made it a special event.  It is total excitement to watch our kids achieve a milestone setting them on a path toward success and independence.

You know the time is coming, you anxiously plan the special day, and as a mom, you are beaming with pride looking at what God is accomplishing in your child’s life.

But do you celebrate or find ways to bless in the little things?

If you will, let me elaborate a little bit here to give you a glimpse of what I’m talking about.

God has allowed a roller coaster of emotion for me this week.  I’ve cried more, laughed more, prayed more, hugged more, and contemplated more than I have ever done in such a short amount of time.  And in the midst of it all God seems to be telling me how faithful he has been.

My youngest son called me this week to let me know that he had finished his last final for the semester.  We celebrated his freedom from studies for the summer over the phone.  Did I communicate more about how proud I was of his hard work at school or did I focus more on what he needs to get done to get himself settled back home for the summer?

My second son spent his Saturday helping us move furniture–and it was an all-day job.  Did I communicate how much we appreciated his sacrifice of time and energy?  Did I also let his wife know how thankful we were that she was willing to let him help us rather than what she might have wanted him to do?

My oldest son and his wife announced that we’re going to be grandparents this year!  Will I be the a know-it-all mother giving unsolicited advice or will I be there to support the decisions they make and interject only when asked?  Will I encourage them and ask permission to be involved at the level I desire giving them the option to set boundaries without getting upset?

My daughter made a really wise but difficult decision this week–one that has taken her a while to make.  Will I encourage her as she moves in a new direction applauding the baby steps or will I push her to do the things I think make the most sense?

My husband has worked hard physically and emotionally this week as we’ve made some difficult transitions.  Will I encourage him to rest and move forward slowly or will I dump my feelings and frustrations on him along with my to-do list in an effort to relieve my own transition stress?

Yes, celebrating the milestones is important, but sometimes we need to take stock of the little achievements in life and celebrate in a way that blesses those around us–that includes our own milestones.

  • Did you pause before responding in anger?
  • Did you see your teen do something positive and let her know that you noticed?
  • Did you communicate “thanks” to your tween when typically you would have remained silent?
  • Did you applaud the baby steps for trying, even if your teen failed?
  • Have you looked your teen in the eye recently and told them 5 things that you are thankful for about them?

We are the relationship architects in our homes and what we pay attention to grows!

Dare you to join me in trying to celebrate the little things in life and heap blessing on those around us.  If we do, our relationships will blossom and our kids, our friends, and our husbands will know that we respect them as capable human beings created by God.

Ephesians 2:10

We are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which He prepared beforehand so that we might walk in them.

Philippians 1:6

Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:

“Let go…and let God”,

 

 

 

 

Are You Cultivating the Relationship?

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The phone had been silent for several days and Shannon began to worry. Silence usually meant something was going on that her daughter didn’t want her to know about. Silence meant whatever was happening was something that her daughter knew she wouldn’t approve of. Silence meant this chasm would widen, the earth would give way, and then it would all come tumbling out–every unbelievable detail.

Shannon had grown accustomed to the turbulence that accompanied these silent times; they rattled her very soul. Shannon prayed; she sought answers from Scripture; she had given her daughter back to God more times than she could remember. But here she was again, crying out to God for some sort of awakening to occur in her daughter’s life. “Speak to her, Lord,” she uttered once again.

Shannon was learning that she was the one who needed to stay connected to her daughter. Amber needed a steady force in her life. Without Shannon reaching out in Amber’s own mode of communication “texting” or “Facebook – IM”, the telephone lines would continue to remain silent. “Checking in to see how you are doing,” she pounded out on the mini touchscreen. “Just wanted you to know that you are loved.”

“Love you too, Mom” came quickly back on the screen.

“You doing ok?” Shannon responded.

“I guess.” Amber replied. “Call you when I get off work.”

Shannon prayed throughout the day. She prayed for Amber. She prayed for whatever Amber would share with her this evening. She prayed that her responses would always come across as loving.

But silence continued throughout the evening. No call from Amber. Shannon continued to pray for her daughter. She’d try to reconnect again in a few days.

Three days later she sent a text to Amber just to see how she was doing.

The phone rang. “Hi, Mom. Sorry I didn’t call you back the other evening.”

“Honey, that’s okay. I know you’re busy. How’s work going?”

“Fine. How’s Harold doing?”

“He left, Mom.”

“What do you mean, he left”?

“Mom, he moved out.”

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry. How are you feeling about that?”

“I’m so upset–yet part of me is glad he is gone. At least I know what kind of man he really is.”

“What made him decide to leave? You two were starting to talk about marriage.”

“Mom, I guess you’ll find out soon enough anyway. I’m pregnant.”

Shannon took a deep breath. She knew her next words were critical. She could either bring life into her daughter or create an avalanche of destructive feelings into their conversation.

“Honey, I’m not sure how to respond. I’m in shock. I’m going to be a grandmother. How are you feeling about it?”

Ephesians 4:31-32

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and railing, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God also in Christ forgave you.

Sometimes our 20-Somethings make choices that we not only disagree with, but they make choices that will impact our lives in ways we would rather not deal with. Even though it would be easier to write them off saying that they can deal with their own issues (they know our phone number), we need to show them the love of Christ and initiate relationship. Words that come out of our mouths can either incite further anger and rejection or bring healing. We may not always be elated by the news they share, but it is important that we respond with the love of Christ.

Proverbs 16:24

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Dare you to connect with your 20-Something today by speaking words of tenderness to them. Why not send them a text?

“Let go…and let God,”


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When Your Kids Say, “It’s Not Fair”

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If you are a parent, you’ve most likely heard your kids utter the words, “It’s not fair”.  That sinful nature comes out without a thought as if it is an automatic response ingrained in their being.  After all, so much of what we learn about ourselves and others is a result of looking at what others say and do.  It is natural to compare. 

Our culture encourages comparison.  Watch commercials and you know that the item they are touting is by far the best.  In the competitive world of education our kids understand that being the smartest or the best at something get’s them the prize of recognition, status, or special treatment.  Even in the world of work  we understand that competition will make or break a career or a company.  

So how do we as parents “turn off” that voice that says our kids aren’t stacking up to the neighbor’s kid?  Or stop our kids from looking at what their friends “have” expecting the same in return?  And are we fostering that competitive edge that forces our kids to look side-to-side comparing themselves to others?

A couple of years ago I spent the week visiting with my 82 year old mother.  As we talked and reminisced about the past, she would share stories about how she made sure we were all treated “equally”.   It was important to her that all six of us felt as if we were the same–even as a blended family.  She didn’t want any of us to compare our situation to that of our siblings and feel slighted in any way.  

As I thought about my mother’s strategy of making sure we were all given “the same”, it occurred to me that for over five decades my mother had been trying to even the score.  As a parent that feels like such a burden to carry.   

As kids or adults, the scales can’t always be in balance.  God didn’t create any of us to be the same or experience the same situations. 

When we compare, one becomes the winner and the other the loser.  Or as I’ve heard my kids say, “Even if you come in second, it means you are the first loser.”  And if we take my mother’s strategy and are constantly trying to level the playing field, then kids don’t have a true sense of reality as they enter the adult world.

As I was thinking about the problem with comparison, I ran across this quote by Theodore Roosevelt:

Comparison is the thief of joy   

Wow.  As parents we need to encourage our kids to go for the prize that God has set for them.  That’s where the real joy comes from.  God doesn’t give all of us the same calling.  He created each of us uniquely different.  I want my kids to know that their competition is with themselves–not others.

My kids grew up swimming on a competitive team.  The staff philosophy was simple, “Life Time Best”.  “All I want from you”, Ms. Suzie would say at the beginning of each race, “is an LTB–Life Time Best.  Your job is to go for the wall.”

Isn’t that what we want for each of our kids–their Life Time Best?  With each project, with each exam, with each sport, or with each activity–just strive to do a little better this time than you did the last.

If our competition is with ourselves, and we teach our kids to compete with themselves, we’ll resist the temptation to compare setting our kids and ourselves up for feeling “less than” or “more than” those whom we are called to love.  We’ll be teaching them that they can have real joy.

Galatians 6:4-5

Each of you must examine your own actions. Then you can be proud of your own accomplishments without comparing yourself to others.  Assume your own responsibility.

Dare you to think about the message you might be sending to your kids about comparing ourselves to others.  Instead, teach them that real joy comes from striving toward the goal that God has set within us to be what He wants us to be.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

 

 

Are You Helping Your Kids Too Much?

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Most of us would do anything for our kids.  We want them to be happy.  We want them to say we were always there for them.  We want them to be successful in school, in sports, and in relationships.  Our desire is for our kids to be the best they can be and compete at the highest level.  Yet, I wonder if instead of helping we are stunting their growth.  Are we enabling them to not take care of themselves because they know that we will be there to provide for them no matter what?

What is our real desire for our kids for their future?

And how do we raise kids who become mature adults who can think for themselves, solve their own problems, and have a desire to get ahead in life?

A couple of years ago there was a video on Facebook that was priceless and I think could teach all of us a thing or two about parenting.  A baby elephant had slid into a stream and struggled over and over to pull himself up onto flat land.  The problem was that the ground where he was trying to get out had become so wet and muddy that it became a slide that would not allow him a firm grip.  Over and over he slid back into the stream.  At one point you could tell he seemed to be getting tired.  He quit trying.  He paced back and forth as if he was doing some self-talk. Frustrated at his circumstance he kept circling lowering his trunk into the water.

He paused.  

Then he decided to try again. 

This time as the camera panned out we could see his mother from a distance coaxing him to try harder.  After much time she slowly walked toward him and seemed to hug him as she took her trunk and wrapped it with his.  Knowing nothing about elephants I wondered if she would try to pull him out with her strong trunk.  

But she didn’t.  She actually backed away several feet.

I could almost hear her.  “You can to this.  Come on.  Try again.”

After a few more rounds of slipping, mama elephant slid into the water, encouraged him to try again, and then behind him proceeded to give him a little nudge.  With that, he made it to higher ground.

The question that most of us need to ask ourselves is “At what point do we intervene with our kids and how much assistance do we give?”  Intervening too quickly and and with too much assistance moves us from helper to enabler.   

Sometimes we need to allow our kids to fail so they can actually learn to keep trying.

Enabling allows our kids be irresponsible.  We intervene so they won’t suffer the consequences of their choices.   Sometimes we think we are showing our kids love by helping with homework or picking up after them or giving them money rather than encouraging them to get a job, but will that well-intended help cause them to realize that someone will always be there to bail them out?  What will be the consequences of our actions for their future mate? Will they be looking for a mom-figure who they think should fix the situation causing marital conflict for their future?

If you are a mom who likes to help your kid, maybe it is time to do some soul searching.  What is the driving force behind the extra help that you give your kids?  If your kid is successful have you bought into the lie that it means you are a good mom?  Is the extra help because you don’t believe your kid can do it on his own?  Or maybe you aren’t willing to trust God with your child? 

This isn’t an attempt at condemnation.  It is an honest assessment by you about you.  And this goes for me as well.

Just this week I had my own time of contemplation.  Having had a 26 year old in chronic pain for more than seven years, I’ve been chief caregiver through several surgeries.  It’s natural for me to be involved in his medical situation with doctors.  Yet, I made a phone call this week to ask a question and the nurse who answered the phone caught me by surprise.  He seemed to be a little shocked at my call and said, “Oh, I’m surprised he had you to call.  We only have adult patients.”

Oh my, I thought.  I’m doing exactly what I’m trying to encourage other parents not to do. 

And I realized how easy it is to fall into the trap. 

Ugh. 

A harsh truth.

And a wake-up call for me.

Is it time to let your kid be more responsible for his stuff.  Is he the owner of his to-do list or are you owning it?  

I know.  

I’m with you even in my reality of my son’s chronic pain.

And, yes, oh that realization hurts.  OUCH!  But sometimes painful self-assessment can push us to do things differently.

Here are 4 ways to move from enabling to helping:

  • Assess where you might be enabling and make a choice to back off.  Be sure to communicate with your teen, or in my case, twenty-something that you feel like you might be hindering their future and that you want to help them mature.  Let them know when this will go into affect.
  • Ease your child into their new reality.  Too many times parents see that they are doing too much for their kids and make a statement that they are no longer going to do XYZ to help. It can come off as harsh and shuts down the relationship. Sometimes it is better to take baby steps as we try to wean our kids into their new mature behavior.
  • Be their cheerleader.  Send them a text, cheer them on, give them a hug, and let them know you think they can be successful.  It is important to remember that cheerleaders don’t take the ball and try to score.  Once you’ve communicated that it is their game, don’t take the ball back.  If they lose the first game, there is always another opportunity.
  • When they are stuck, give them a nudge from behind (that’s elephant speak).  If you see your kid floundering, offer suggestions, and be ready to get in their space to give a nudge in the right direction.  

I was talking to a mom recently about her kid that she used to bail out because he would get behind on homework assignments and everything would be due at the same time.  When I asked her how things were going, she told me “great”.  “He seems to finally be grasping where my boundary is in how I’m willing to help.  When he comes in needing help with schoolwork, I ask him to take a calendar and decide when he is going to do each assignment.  It is forcing him to make some tough choices between fun activities and grades.”

Whether it is doling out money or giving our kids a ride to school when they could be taking the bus or helping with homework, our kids need to be learning that we’re here to help them be successful not make their life easy.

If we aren’t careful we will believe the lie from the enemy that our job as parents is to pave the way for our kids such that they don’t stumble or experience frustration or pain.  

Galatians 6:5 

For each will have to bear his own load.

2 Thessalonians 3:10

For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat.

Dare you to assess if you are more an enabler than helper and choose to nudge your teen toward adulthood. 

“Let go…and let God”,

How Are You Impacting Your Child’s Identity?

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is-he-looking-at-himself-through-the-lense-of-his-parents

Sitting in a doctor’s office, I was surprised to find out that we were actually seeing the son of a doctor I had made acquaintance with several years prior.  Not wanting to be overtly obvious and wanting to give this man my full attention so that he could properly make a diagnosis, I chose not to bring up the connection too early in our conversation.

Having been to numerous doctors’ offices with my son over the past several years, it didn’t surprise me at all that this young doctor started interacting with us in a casual manner telling us that he had recently graduated from medical school and was finally following in his father’s footsteps.  Becoming a physician was his second career. What did surprise me though was that as the dialogue continued, it became obvious that he was the son who had never quite measured up.  

How sad.

Here was a man most likely in his early 40’s who had not only graduated from medical school and was now a physician, yet his identity was wrapped up in what his parents thought of him.  

I began wondering what lies had been spoken over him in his quest for manhood and approval.  As he made his diagnosis, it was almost as if he was asking if we agreed with him.  

As parents of tweens and teens, it is easy to get frustrated when our kids make mistakes or choose not to do something that we think is in their best interest. But during those times of interaction do we treat them with respect or do we tear them down to the point that their identity becomes mired into thinking of themselves as “failures”.

Like it or not, we are a mirror for our kid’s identity.  Our actions, reactions, words, body language, and facial expressions all send a message that says either “I respect you as a person” or “You don’t measure up”.

We are weaving the foundation for our kids in how they measure up when they face the outside world as well.

  1. Do we offer empathy when their world comes crashing down on them?
  2. Do we console their disappointments and give them hope for their tomorrow?
  3. Do we guide them in how to handle difficulties so they can be more confident?
  4. Do we point them to Jesus Christ as their source of identity?
  5. Do we release them to be who God created them to be rather than who we want them to be?

Colossians 3:21

Do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

Romans 15:5

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had.

Dare you to take inventory of how you are responding to your teens and the impact you might be making on how they think of themselves.  Better yet, why not ask them how they think you view them.  If the response is not what you had hoped for, try apologizing for your parenting mistakes.  Polish the mirror so they see themselves as God sees them.

“Let go…and let God”,

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