Are You Coasting As a Parent?

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I was listening to a podcast this week about setting goals for 2019.  I don’t know about you, but when I think of goal setting, I typically think of my career, my finances, my health, and other areas that I can quantify.  I’ll admit that becoming a better parent is on my list, but it usually stops there.  I don’t take the time to think about what being a better parent really means to each of my kids.

There was something else the Kelly Thorne Gore said in her podcast that had me thinking. 

“There are five weeks left in the year.  Are you coasting until the end of the year?  Please know that a lot of things can unravel during those five weeks when we coast.”

Hmm…an unraveling of the goals we’ve set because we are coasting.  As I contemplated further that idea of coasting I realized that it means we’re going downhill and things seem easy.  What happens when we reach the bottom of the hill?

There were seasons in my own parenting that I’ll admit I was coasting.  These were the times when life was good and I would relish the season, take a deep breath, and relax a little in my focus.  After all, my kids seemed to be doing the right things and there were no major family hiccups or push backs.

However, just about the time I was ready to deem my child mature, something catastrophic would happen that would send me spinning as a parent.  “What was I doing wrong?  Why the sudden change in their choices?  I can’t believe I’m having to deal with this,” consumed my thinking.  These are the times my heart would race, my frustration would flare, and I found myself grasping at anything that would put my teen back on the path toward maturity.

And the pattern I uncovered as I thought through the “how did we get here?” was that these were the times when I realized that I had taken my eye off the goal.  I truly was coasting without any sense of urgency or intentional focus.

Being intentional in our parenting means we have a vision for the future.  What are we really hoping for as our teen becomes an adult? 

Are we focused on behavior, attitudes, faith, friends, or accomplishment?  Is their happiness our ultimate goal?

Or are we encouraging them to become who God wants them to be with appropriate guardrails and boundaries in place while we solidify a healthy relationship?

So with five weeks left in 2018, I want to challenge you to set some parenting goals for yourself.  Not the new year’s resolution type that will be forgotten in less than a month, but the kind of goals that will propel you into the future with intent.  Goals for your parenting that will be quantifiable so that when your world does get hit with a calamity, you’ll know how to quickly get back on track.

Here’s a place you might start:

  1. What is going well right now with my teen?  What are the areas my teen needs to grow in?
  2. What is going well in our relationship?  Are there areas where I am too lenient, too strict, too involved, or too complacent?
  3. Am I in a place of influence in my teen’s life?  If not, what steps can I take to make it safe for my teen to seek my advice?
  4. Am I spending enough time with my teen?  What do we do when we are together?  What changes, if any, should I make in this area?
  5. Am I gentle and kind or am I constantly nagging?  If necessary, what can I do differently in this area?
  6. What else needs to change?

Proverbs 29:18

Where there is no vision, the people perish.

Proverbs 16:9

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.

Dare you to spend the next few weeks with God asking Him to help set you on the right path in your parenting.

“Let go…and Let God”,

If you know someone with kids 9-29, maybe a great gift idea for this holiday season might be a copy of With All Due Respect:  40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens & Tween.  A companion option might be our online eCourse that accompanies the book where they will have opportunity to learn from moms who have been there.

And we continue to get positive feedback from teachers who have read it. Why not make your teacher gift giving easy this year?

Have a blessed day of gratitude!

 

 

 

 

 

What Are You Worrying About?

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As the beginning of the school year dawns a new season in our kids’ lives, maybe you are like most moms and are on the lookout for what you need to be worrying about.  I’ll admit that it is the same for me.

As my kids were finishing up those last few months of their senior year of high school, my worry meter was on high alert.  While my kids were anticipating their new freedom–heading off to college — I feared the worst.

What if I hadn’t taught them everything they needed to know to survive on their own?

What would happen when I didn’t remind them to make sure their homework was finished?

Would they get up for those 8 am freshman classes when I wasn’t there as a safety net?

Yes, I knew they could run the washing machine, but would they forget and leave their clothes in the dryer to be found by someone else–and taken?

My list was endless as I  watched the countdown until college dorm move-in began.

I found myself  becoming more and more unsure of their success.  Little things they would do would remind me of their immaturity.  The things they didn’t do were reminders of things I had failed to teach them.

And, of course, my type A personality would not let me fail.

And I found myself doing the opposite of what I should have been doing.

I went into teacher mode — nagging them about every detail of the things I thought they should be aware of before they went off on their own.

Now mind you, I didn’t see it as nagging.  I thought I was helping them develop survival skills.  But instead of nurturing the relationship, I was in hyper-vigilant mode assessing every detail of their lives under the microscope of future success.

And what my kids discovered was:

Proverbs 27:15

A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike.

Your kids might not be heading off to college this fall, but do you find yourself constantly reminding them of things they need to do?  If so, let me ask you a question.

What are your parenting fears?  And I want to encourage you to make a list of those fears.

Once you’ve done that, ask yourself “what idol is attached to that fear?“

Whether we realize it or not, all of us have dreams and expectations for our kids.  We want success to come their way. And sometimes those dreams and expectations become an idol that we consciously or unconsciously give voice to — hence we nag our kids about the things we idolize.

Do we idolize a perfectly clean room?  

Or straight A’s?

Or siblings who get along all the time?

Or perfect kids which translates to us being perfect parents?

In my case I was idolizing success for my kids as they moved off to college.  Oh my, how would I handle it if my kids dropped out?  Or turned all their tighty-whities pink in the laundry?  Or didn’t make it to all their classes?

My fears turned to a doomsday mentality as I translated my kids’ potential failures as my failure as a parent.  And it stifled our connection until I recognized the toxicity I was adding to the relationship.  

Dare you to identify your fears as you parent your tweens and teens and make course corrections before it is too late.  After all, if they do turn their underwear pink, they might call and ask for some advice on how to make sure they do their laundry right the next time.  

“Let go…and let God”, 

With the start of school, now is a great time to grab a few friends and go through With All Due Respect together.  This book will not only draw you closer to God but will hone how you think about your role as a parent.  And who knows, even if you aren’t struggling in your parenting, I’m guessing you know someone who is.  Why not take an opportunity to connect with this mom and help her with a difficult season in her life?  After all, none of us get it right 100% of the time.  To start your group now, click here.

 

 

Broken Trust?

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“It’s shattered,” came the response from the orthopedic surgeon  as he looked at my 21 year old son’s  x-rays.  “Impressive,” he continued  with a grin.  “How did you do this?” Read more

Learning to Anticipate What’s Next

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I spoke to a mom of a new college student just a few weeks ago.  Her daughter had just come home from college for Christmas break for the first time.  The mom was joy-filled at getting to see her daughter for a couple of weeks, but she talked about how stressful it was on the entire family.  “I’m kind of hoping she’ll decide to get an internship or something for the summer,” she admitted.  “Does that mean I’m a bad mom?”

Most of us don’t know what to expect for those “firsts” that our kids encounter or do we?

Whether it is a driver’s license, a first date, a serious boyfriend, or a holiday home from college, most of us haven’t anticipated our what comes next.  That’s what Dare 23 is all about.  If we are having a sex talk with our daughter after we’ve found out that she’s already been intimate with her boyfriend, that’s when we discover that we haven’t planned far enough ahead.

Most of us are already doing this for the day-to-day of life as a family.  Whether it’s assigned chores or rules that we’ve set in our home with appropriate consequences, we see a need and we put a plan in place to take care of the problem.  You have the skills.  And we know what it takes to get things back on track.

What I’m talking about here are those monumental milestones where things will be different.  It’s anticipating all the conflict that can arise when things are different in your home.  With freedom, our kids will most likely pendulum swing to the far extreme of their grandiose idea of “total freedom” instead of what we as parent’s intended as gradual freedom.

Take my friend, for example.  Her daughter comes home from college with the plan to see all her high school friends.  Late nights (after all, she doesn’t have to study), sleepovers, shopping, a come-and-go-as I please mentality just like she had at college. Meanwhile mom was dreaming of time to bake cookies together and fun trips out–just the two of them–like old times.

Two totally different plans for what Christmas break was going to be like.

The reality was that dad still needed to get up for work every day even though the garage door was opened at 2 am by their unthinking daughter.  The girl’s brother was still in school and trying to study for exams.  With the daughter bringing friends home, the laughing and giggling was making it hard for her son to concentrate.  And mom was frustrated and disappointed that her dreams and expectations from her daughter weren’t turning out as she planned.

Dare 23 is all about the up-front dialogue; planning ahead and anticipating the potential pitfalls.

It’s all about communication — in advance.

My experience with moms is that most of us don’t know what we don’t know so we just let things happen and then deal with the conflict later.  Another thing we fail to do is get dad involved in these monumental decisions and plan together.

Several years ago I was talking to a mom while I was getting my hair cut.  Her first daughter was getting ready to graduate from high school.  This mom announced, “I’ve told my girls that I pay for things until they are 18.  College is on them.  My husband and I have paid for the best private school in the area to help them be successful in life.  What they do with that is up to them.”

Whether you agree with their decision to pay for college or not isn’t the point.  What is important here is that both parents had agreed on a plan up front, they put the plan for college in motion before the girls even took their first step into the halls of the high school, and communication was on-going with every choice the girls made with regard to their college selection.

That’s parenting ahead.

Proverbs 16:9

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.

Proverbs 21:5

The plans of the diligent certainly lead to profit, but anyone who is reckless certainly becomes poor.

Proverbs 21:5 can apply to relationships as well as money.  Our relationships will blossom with our kids if we can anticipate conflict before it happens and begin the communication process early.

Dare you to anticipate the next big milestone with your teens and tweens.  Start the communication process now so they will know what to expect.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Communication is key in all our relationships.  And learning to deflate the defensiveness with our kids and reduce the conflict and stress in our homes is paramount.  Wouldn’t you like to have a more peaceful home where the stress of the day to day interactions can calmly be resolved?  Knowing our kids, anticipating ahead, and making small changes in our communication can have a huge impact with our tweens, teens, and our 20-somethings.  

We’ve put together a training retreat where in three days  you can learn the skills that will radically transform your home.  Not only will we teach you how to implement these new skills, but you’ll have an opportunity to practice them in an encouraging environment away from judgment.  You’ll have time to refresh your soul in a park-like setting where you will be encouraged to unpack the “now” you are in and learn how to start over with a different perspective.

Here’s what women are saying about our Deflating Defensive Training Retreat:

“It was like the light-bulb finally went off! I’ve read a mountain of books, but this approach is different. Learning in-person from the trainers made all the difference.   I wasn’t able to understand until they modeled it for me and gave me someone to mirror. That’s the thing that was life-changing for me!”

“The retreat taught me how to interact positively with family members who have a history of attacking me verbally… I learned the tools to use when this happens. And it worked when a recurring irritant happened just days ago with an important person in my life!”

“I’ve already encouraged my sister to come with me to the next one.” 

We hope you’ll consider joining us this year!  We promise your relationships will grow in ways you never thought possible.

 

Grieving Our Children’s Choices

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As I continue to grieve the loss of my daughter, I’m noticing that I’m choosing to slow life down a bit.  I’m assuming that part of it is that others are giving me space and they understand on some level the complexity of the emotional turmoil that I’m in at the moment. When I feel overwhelmed, or sad, or anxious, or find tears welling up within me, I find myself analyzing the feeling to better understand what is going on deep inside.  I find that my capacity to deal with extraneous frustrations is limited so I selectively pick my next steps knowing what I can handle.

Thinking about the grieving process makes me wonder if we wouldn’t be better served as parents to do the same thing.  After all, not many kids turn out exactly the way we think they should.

What I’ve come to realize is that there are a lot of moms who need to grieve.  Moms who need to grieve what they thought they could have with their kids.

Many have kids that are disrespectful, kids that are making wrong choices, kids who choose not to listen to reason, and kids who are in jail or doing drugs or having sex or — whatever is on your list.  But whatever the expectation in which your child is falling short, as a parent you need to grieve it and move forward in your parenting.

Grief is a process of letting go — letting go of what we had hoped for and accepting what is true.  And I’ll admit that it is hard.

Too many times as parents rather than letting go we choose denial.  Somehow we think that we can fix whatever we think is broken with our child.  We nag, we coerce, we try to reason, and we get emotional.  Acceptance is sometimes a difficult but necessary path to walk if we want a relationship with our child that isn’t filled with a sense of distance fortified with impenetrable walls.

Acceptance doesn’t mean there isn’t pain for you as a parent, but it releases your child to choose their own path.

So how do you grieve the things you’ve hoped for with your child?  How can you turn your frustration into a relationship where you are willing to endure their choices and love them in spite of their actions?

  1. Share your situation with someone safe.  A dear friend, a counselor, or even someone who has walked a similar path with their kids can do wonders for lightening the burden you carry.  Just talking about it will lessen the hold the situation has over you.
  2. Express your feelings.  Sadness, guilt, despair, anxiety, fear, hopelessness, longing, anger, and frustration will overwhelm you at times.  Don’t be afraid to feel.  Let others know what you are experiencing at least in the sense of “I’m going through a tough time right now.” It will normalize the feeling.  I’m finding that when friends text me to check in, I let them know what I’m feeling in the moment and ask them to pray.
  3. Let the tears flow.  Crying helps you heal.  Whether it is with a friend, your spouse, or alone, tears will bring relief.
  4. Let others know your need.  Each of us deals with grief in different ways.  I am finding myself needing time alone and at other times I need to be with people.  I’ve asked friends to go to the store with me, meet me for coffee, and to check in by text.  When someone offers a meal, I accept.  I’m finding that grief zaps my energy, so I’m giving myself permission to accept help from others or decline if I can’t handle what they offer.
  5. Sleep, eat, and do as much of your normal routine as possible.  I’m finding that grief is such an emotional process that I have to be selective with what I can do.  Focus on the basics and do only one thing at a time–but do something.  Don’t totally disengage from the rest of the world.
  6. This is a time to be selfish.  This is something I learned from a very wise pastor.  Grieving needs to be on your terms not what others want to do for you.  The day after my daughters death, friends wanted to be with me, to hug me, to do things for me.  While I appreciated their desire to be there, what I needed was just the opposite.  I needed time to contemplate, rest, and just be with my family.  My desire in the moment was to be mom for my other kids.
  7. Spend time with God.  In the midst of my current circumstances sometimes I feel like my prayers are disjointed.  Sometimes I just ask Him to give my daughter a hug or I write in my journal letting God know that I accept that He is God in my current situation.  I’ve been reading about peace in the midst of difficulty.  Coming to grips with the fact that He is in control takes hard work.  Acceptance is part of the process.
  8. Grow through your experience.  God has given you this trial to bring about incredible transformation in you.  Through your loss of the ideal for your child, you will gain wisdom in learning to overcome and survive.  Once you reach this point you will be better able to love your child unconditionally in spite of their choices.

As I’m writing this, it has occurred to me that this is not the first time I’ve gone through the grieving process with my daughter.  She was that challenging child where I found myself grieving over and over again at various stages of her life.  At some point in my parenting, I chose not to try to change her any more.  The nagging, the coercion, and the getting emotional stopped.  I would still try to reason with her, but when she disagreed I said something like “it makes me sad that these are the choice you’ve decided to make; however, I love you and I accept that they are your choices.” Once I had grieved and accepted that I was not in control, I reached a point where I was able to truly love her unconditionally.  I accepted her for who she was and fully entrusted her to God.

As parents we sometimes need to let go of our expectations for our kids.  We need to grieve our idealistic hopes and dreams so that we can better love these kids that God has given us on loan.  After all, He created them and He has a plan for their lives.

Psalm 23:4

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”  

Isaiah 40:31

“…but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” 

Do we trust Him with His story?

Praying you can…

“Let go…and Let God”,

 Our Small Group Leader’s Guide for With All Due Respect is now available. Want to help moms develop a deeper relationship with God as they create more fulfilling relationships with their teens and tweens?  With All Due Respect was bathed in tears as God walked me through a powerful life-changing process that impacted my relationship with my daughter.  Because of what God taught me through parenting her, other moms can now grow closer to Him as they work through the devotional Dares from this book.  What is more, if you choose to do the book in a group you’ll have opportunity to develop deep connecting relationships with other women who are also on the parenting journey.