Doing Life From the Platform of Respect

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A number of years ago my husband taught a junior high boys small group.  One of the topics that would always come up was how to treat members of the opposite sex.  I remember one of his lines well: “Remember, you don’t know whose wife you are dating.  Treat your girlfriend the way you hope your future wife to being treated now by the guy she is dating.”

As the conversation progressed, they would talk about holding hands, hugging, kissing, and the list would continue.

While the talks always centered around abstinence, the underlying theme was respect. 

Sometimes as I talk with parents now, it is like the light bulb begins to brighten.

If you are like me, most of our parents tried to teach respect with negative reinforcement.  “If you ever do that again, I’ll ______________.”  I’ll let you fill in the blank with how you were parented. 🙂

As I was growing up the same methodology was used with the breaking of any rule.  Breaking the rule = punishment.   Or maybe I could talk myself out of the punishment this time.

One of the conversations that I try to have with parents as they think about trying to get the “right behavior” from their teens, is to address the behavior change through heart change.  

In other words, give them an understanding of what it means to show respect to themselves and everyone involved in a particular situation and maybe you’ll change their heart and their behavior.

A woman approached me about her college student who was living under her roof for the summer.  She was frustrated that her son would come in sometime during the middle of the night while she and her husband were asleep.  While the mom always kept the light on so her son could see to get in, the garage door would wake her up.  Then she and her husband would hear the kid fumbling around in the kitchen making a snack while they were attempting to go back to sleep.  She was at the brink of saying, “If you can’t come in at a decent hour, you will need to find somewhere else to live.”

But thankfully she stopped herself.  Had she done that, most likely she was have instigated defensiveness and anger from her son tearing apart the relationship.

After we talked through her scenario, here’s what she said chose to say to her son.

“Honey, I know it’s hard to come home and have to live with our schedule.  However, I’d like to talk through what’s happening.  I know you really enjoy being with this girl.  As a matter of fact, I like her too.  I think the two of you are good for each other.  Can I put a different spin on this whole dating process and give you a different perspective of what is currently playing out?”

“Sure,” came his response.

“I know that you easily lose track of time while the two of you are together.  You seem to have a lot of fun together.  However, may I suggest that you become the leader in this relationship and show this girl how to respect herself.  She needs her rest and so do you.  You will always have more time to be together.”

“I’m also guessing that her parents will be more open to you as someone they would like their daughter to see more of if they see you as respectful.  Didn’t you tell me that they both work?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I’m wondering if they get woken up when their daughter comes in? 

One of the ways to get others to respect you is for you to respect them.  By getting your girlfriend home at a reasonable hour, you are communicating that you respect the girl and her parents.”

“I never thought of that”, he replied.

“There is another piece to this.  I know that you don’t mean to wake your dad and me up when you come home; but the fact is, you do.  When you are getting food from the kitchen after you come it, it keeps me from getting back to sleep easily.  This is starting to make me feel disrespected and resentful.  I’m guessing that is not what you are trying to do, but you need to know that I don’t like feeling frustration towards you.  I love you and want the best for you and for everyone involved.  You have the ability to influence what people think and feel based on your interactions with them, and I’m hoping that you will work on respecting yourself by respecting the other people in this situation.  Just know that I love you and want this to work for all of us.”

“I never thought of it that way.  I do want her parents to respect me and I’m not trying to interrupt your sleep.  I’m sorry.  I’ll try to do better.”

When I asked the mom how it was going after the conversation, she was honest.

“Well, it certainly isn’t perfect yet.  However, he is better about texting me when he is going to be late.  I’ve also noticed he’s a lot quieter in the kitchen now,” she laughed.

“And the other thing is, I’m more confident in continuing to have the conversation.  I’m realizing that one time with these kids doesn’t solve the problem.  But just understanding why he’s coming home late puts my mind at ease so I’m learning to sleep better and not worry.  And I’m beginning to understand more about who he is now on a heart level rather than a behavior that is frustrating me level.”

Zechariah 8:16

These are the things that you shall do: Speak the truth to one another; render in your gates judgments that are true and make for peace;

Ephesians 4:16

From whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

 

Dare you to look at life through the lens of respect as you teach your kids how to interact with others.  When kids learn self-respect, they can more easily apply it to how they can influence others in a positive way.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

Do you know parents who are struggling with their tweens and teens?  Or maybe you have kids that are starting to pull away in a way that feels foreign and a bit unhealthy?

That’s why With All Due Respect was written.  

It will challenge your thinking as you parent toward the launch of your kids into the adult world.

Here’s what one mom had to say:

“I can’t believe how much this book has shifted my thinking, my behavior, and my expectations.  I had no idea how much I could do to influence my “problem” child.  Thank you for writing this book!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Learning to Anticipate What’s Next

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I spoke to a mom of a new college student just a few weeks ago.  Her daughter had just come home from college for Christmas break for the first time.  The mom was joy-filled at getting to see her daughter for a couple of weeks, but she talked about how stressful it was on the entire family.  “I’m kind of hoping she’ll decide to get an internship or something for the summer,” she admitted.  “Does that mean I’m a bad mom?”

Most of us don’t know what to expect for those “firsts” that our kids encounter or do we?

Whether it is a driver’s license, a first date, a serious boyfriend, or a holiday home from college, most of us haven’t anticipated our what comes next.  That’s what Dare 23 is all about.  If we are having a sex talk with our daughter after we’ve found out that she’s already been intimate with her boyfriend, that’s when we discover that we haven’t planned far enough ahead.

Most of us are already doing this for the day-to-day of life as a family.  Whether it’s assigned chores or rules that we’ve set in our home with appropriate consequences, we see a need and we put a plan in place to take care of the problem.  You have the skills.  And we know what it takes to get things back on track.

What I’m talking about here are those monumental milestones where things will be different.  It’s anticipating all the conflict that can arise when things are different in your home.  With freedom, our kids will most likely pendulum swing to the far extreme of their grandiose idea of “total freedom” instead of what we as parent’s intended as gradual freedom.

Take my friend, for example.  Her daughter comes home from college with the plan to see all her high school friends.  Late nights (after all, she doesn’t have to study), sleepovers, shopping, a come-and-go-as I please mentality just like she had at college. Meanwhile mom was dreaming of time to bake cookies together and fun trips out–just the two of them–like old times.

Two totally different plans for what Christmas break was going to be like.

The reality was that dad still needed to get up for work every day even though the garage door was opened at 2 am by their unthinking daughter.  The girl’s brother was still in school and trying to study for exams.  With the daughter bringing friends home, the laughing and giggling was making it hard for her son to concentrate.  And mom was frustrated and disappointed that her dreams and expectations from her daughter weren’t turning out as she planned.

Dare 23 is all about the up-front dialogue; planning ahead and anticipating the potential pitfalls.

It’s all about communication — in advance.

My experience with moms is that most of us don’t know what we don’t know so we just let things happen and then deal with the conflict later.  Another thing we fail to do is get dad involved in these monumental decisions and plan together.

Several years ago I was talking to a mom while I was getting my hair cut.  Her first daughter was getting ready to graduate from high school.  This mom announced, “I’ve told my girls that I pay for things until they are 18.  College is on them.  My husband and I have paid for the best private school in the area to help them be successful in life.  What they do with that is up to them.”

Whether you agree with their decision to pay for college or not isn’t the point.  What is important here is that both parents had agreed on a plan up front, they put the plan for college in motion before the girls even took their first step into the halls of the high school, and communication was on-going with every choice the girls made with regard to their college selection.

That’s parenting ahead.

Proverbs 16:9

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.

Proverbs 21:5

The plans of the diligent certainly lead to profit, but anyone who is reckless certainly becomes poor.

Proverbs 21:5 can apply to relationships as well as money.  Our relationships will blossom with our kids if we can anticipate conflict before it happens and begin the communication process early.

Dare you to anticipate the next big milestone with your teens and tweens.  Start the communication process now so they will know what to expect.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Communication is key in all our relationships.  And learning to deflate the defensiveness with our kids and reduce the conflict and stress in our homes is paramount.  Wouldn’t you like to have a more peaceful home where the stress of the day to day interactions can calmly be resolved?  Knowing our kids, anticipating ahead, and making small changes in our communication can have a huge impact with our tweens, teens, and our 20-somethings.  

We’ve put together a training retreat where in three days  you can learn the skills that will radically transform your home.  Not only will we teach you how to implement these new skills, but you’ll have an opportunity to practice them in an encouraging environment away from judgment.  You’ll have time to refresh your soul in a park-like setting where you will be encouraged to unpack the “now” you are in and learn how to start over with a different perspective.

Here’s what women are saying about our Deflating Defensive Training Retreat:

“It was like the light-bulb finally went off! I’ve read a mountain of books, but this approach is different. Learning in-person from the trainers made all the difference.   I wasn’t able to understand until they modeled it for me and gave me someone to mirror. That’s the thing that was life-changing for me!”

“The retreat taught me how to interact positively with family members who have a history of attacking me verbally… I learned the tools to use when this happens. And it worked when a recurring irritant happened just days ago with an important person in my life!”

“I’ve already encouraged my sister to come with me to the next one.” 

We hope you’ll consider joining us this year!  We promise your relationships will grow in ways you never thought possible.

 

Looking for Family Balance?

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Young attractive woman working on the laptop

Sitting at her desk in the master bedroom Kristin was thankful for the silence. Ted had agreed to focus on the kids and food for the day while she took time to pray and seek God’s guidance.  She had shared with a friend the frenzy that had seemed to creep into their home since the start of school.  With three kids under roof and the growing amount of homework and activities, Kristin felt their lives were out of control.  

Especially hers.

Trying to juggle meals, snacks, carpools, be at all the games and youth activities, not to mention the ever-growing laundry pile, and ministries she and Ted were involved in, Kristin knew they needed a reset with the family commitments.

Haven’t we all been there?

The question we have to ask ourselves is if we are willing to push the reset button before it’s too late.

Each school year brings new opportunities, typically more homework, and a lot of wonderful opportunities for our kids.  

But let’s face it, if we have more than one kid and we are still driving them around, it can wreak havoc on our schedules as moms.  Typically when the home is out of balance tension gets high and tempers flare more often.

That’s when it’s time for a reset.

Here’s some thought that might make your reset more successful.

  1. Do your homework before you take action–with each of your kids.  Here’s an opportunity to hear their heart and apologize if need be. Take your child out for a walk or go get their favorite ice cream.  Share your concerns for family balance and apologize for your short temper if needed.  Ask questions and find out what is really important to them.    Let them know you and your husband are going to be talking about how to reduce the stress in your home and create more life balance.  Let them know you will get back to them once you’ve talked to everyone in the family.
  2. Look at activities for each kid.  Separate the great opportunities from the good opportunities for each person.  Focus on each child’s strengths and areas where they need to grow. Are the activities the kids are involved in teaching life skills?  Are they stretching them?  Or are they involved because that’s what all their friends are doing?  
  3. Look at obligations for both you and your spouse. Ask yourself if it is time to set a ministry or obligation on the shelf for a few years during this season of life even though you enjoy it.  Is it necessary to attend all your kid’s sporting events?  Maybe letting your tween or teen “go-it-alone” would be a growth opportunity for them. Again, separate the great from the good.
  4. Check for imbalance in each child’s activities.  Let’s face it.  Typically the kids that can wear us down get rewarded in that we give in all too quickly and we let them lean the balance of time in their favor.  Either that or the oldest is doing a lot of activities while we tell the youngest that they’ll get to do more when they get older.  Ask yourself if the balance is fair.  Is it time for the oldest to give up some of his retained activities to give opportunity for the younger kids?  Remember teamwork says that everyone gets an opportunity and sometimes one person may have to sacrifice something for the good of the team.
  5. Create a list of optimal activities and discuss with your spouse.  Be sure to include things that you think he should consider giving up and that you are willing to give up.  
  6. Once the list is set, have a family team meeting.  Start the meeting by apologizing to your kids for saying yes to good things rather than great things.  Remind the kids that life balance is a skill that they all need to learn and it makes for a healthier lifestyle and less friction in relationships.  Assure them that you are doing this to help them succeed as adults when they are on their own.  Share the new plan and tell them when it will be implemented.  Be sure to give them a couple of weeks–or until the end of the season–for change.  Also, let them know you are willing to talk further about it if they have questions or are concerned.
  7. Allow your kids to share their frustrations with the change with you.  Listen, empathize with their loss, and let them know that you understand what they are feeling.  Be willing to explore changes that they want to make and rework the reset if you and your husband agree. 
  8. Implement.  Too many times as parents we get so much grumbling and complaining from our kids that we drop whatever it is we’re trying to accomplish.  Be brave and make the difficult choices while continuing to listen and empathize.   

Ephesians 4:2-3

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Creating balance for everyone in our home takes time. When you push the reset button, tempers will probably surface initially, but know that the family relationships will strengthen and maturity will come sooner when we live a life that models the things we want our kids to learn. 

“Let go…and let God”, 

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