Helping Our Kids Gain Perspective

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Talking with a mom the other day, I smiled realizing that she needed a dose of perspective.  It was hard for her to understand the difficulty another mother was having in raising her kids.  “If only she would __________, her son wouldn’t act that way.  It’s her own fault.  As expected, this mom espoused the virtues of how her child was better equipped because she was parenting the right way.

It’s easy to think we can parent another kid better when we have tunnel vision based on only our experience with our kid.  All kids are different, just like all of our husbands are different, and our moms are different, and we are different.  Put our different ideas, thoughts, and reactions together, and only God knows how our kids will turn out when they leave the nest.

Yes, we do the best we can and have to trust God with the outcome.  Are there things we could have done differently?  Of course.  Will we regret some of our reactions?  Probably.  But do we trust that God will work all our parenting issues out for His glory?  I hope the answer is yes–even when it turns out differently than we want.

But the question for this blog post has to do with our kids’ perspective.  How do we teach our kids to not have that same tunnel vision?  How do we teach them to think of the other person’s situation with grace and empathy?  How do we teach them to be humble when others are struggling?

At the risk of sounding too simplistic, the answer comes from helping our kids see their situations from the other person’s point of view.

Let me explain through an example.

Erin comes home from school upset at how a friend Sara treated her unfairly.  You listen patiently as your daughter goes on and on about the injustice of what happened.  Once she has finally exhausted her words and her anger is starting to dissipate and you’ve shown her the empathy she needs, you might begin asking questions to get past the emotion of her judgment.

  1. I know you are really hurting.  I’m sure I’d feel the same way if I were in your shoes.  You have every right to be upset.  Would it be okay if we talk about Sara for a few minutes?
  2. What do you think might have triggered her reaction?
  3. What do you know about Sara–her personality, her home life, her friends?
  4. Do you know if there was anything that might have set her off — maybe she started her period, or had a fight with her mom or a boyfriend?
  5. Could you have accidentally done something that made her target you with her outburst?
  6. Does she have a reason to maybe be jealous of you?
  7. How have you responded to her so far?
  8. What could you do to show her grace and show her the Jesus in you?

Ephesians 4:2-4

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.  Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.  For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future.

Having these deep conversations with our kids can help them think outside their own box.  Perhaps by talking about the other person involved, they will begin to put themselves in the other person’s shoes and see something outside of their own idea of justice.  Hopefully, Erin will see that Sara needs some grace in the situation and if she were in Sara’s shoes, the world may look differently.

Just like the mom in the first story, maybe God gave her some great mothering instincts as a result of the parenting she received.  Or she is good at gleaning information from parenting books.  Maybe the other mother has a strong-willed child or one that keeps her up at night.  Perhaps she grew up without a nurturing mother and is having to learn the ropes of parenting without a healthy role model. 

It is easy to make snap judgments about another person until we know the whole story.  And teaching our kids to look beyond the surface of relationships and situations can help them gain perspective in how to extend grace rather than remain in their own world of injustice. 

Dare you to have some deep conversations with your teens when they are in situations where they want to judge the other person.  Maybe they’ll see that there is always more than one perspective.

“Let go..and Let God”,

 

Would you like a different perspective in your own parenting?  With All Due Respect is about deepening your relationship with God and your kids.  In it you’ll find real life stories about moms who have chosen to look at parenting from a different perspective.  You’ll also find questions to think through your own parenting situations. Most moms have told us that the book has stretched them in looking at parenting with the focus of a healthy launch.  Why no grab a few friends and read through the book together?  Or maybe treat you and a friend to a copy for Mother’s Day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

How Do Your Kids See Christmas?

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I had an interesting exchange (or maybe it’s better termed as frustrating discussion) with one of my kids this week that makes me wonder how I could have been so blind.

We were talking about Christmas. 

Christmas for me is all about the surprise.  I typically choose to toss out a few gift ideas to my kids that I know they can afford and let them choose what they will purchase and put under the tree.  That way when I open it I know I’ll be at least somewhat surprised.

Maybe it is still the kid in me.

Maybe it is because of the memories that I have when my kids were little and I could see the surprise and wonder in their eyes and I want to continue to experience it over and over again each year at Christmas.

And maybe I think all my kids should be wired just like me and want Christmas to be the way I want it to be.

Our conversation started out innocently as I’ve been wracking my brain trying to find something for this kid that will be a total surprise–something not on his radar–something that will blow him away and will be the best gift ever.

And I found that perfect gift!

There was only one requirement before I made the purchase.  I needed to make sure he was available to enjoy the “event” on a specific date.

The text message read, “Could you keep the evening of January 3 open?  I have a Christmas gift for you, but don’t want to buy it if you aren’t available.”

“What is it, Mom?”

“It’s the season of secrets and I want it to be a surprise.  Are you available?” I texted back.

Silence.

Then every event in the city on that date popped up in the text from him with a smiley face.  It felt like he wanted to prove that he was smarter than me and had figured it out.

None of them were right.

“Yeah!”  I thought.  “I’ve stumped him.”

“So, can you be available?” I texted again.

Silence

Then the phone rang.  “I want to know what it is before I leave the date open.  Why can’t you just tell me?”

By now my frustration was on the rise.  How dare him ruin my surprise.

After a few exchanges and me continuing to ridiculously keep my secret, I could tell we were at an impasse.  He wasn’t going to budge and I was holding onto my belief that Christmas was about surprises.

And then this wise kid asked me a question, “Mom, what is Christmas all about?”

“Surprise and wonder,” I quickly quipped.

“I thought it was about family.”

Ouch!

And then I remembered my frustration down through the years.  As this kid opened up his presents he would announced to the family what was in each package before it was opened.  And I would be disappointed that he had figured it out.

Hmm…

Was Christmas about me, the gift giver, or him as the receiver?  Didn’t I need to speak his love language during this season?

Suddenly, our exchange changed to one that was more positive.  “You don’t like surprises, do you son?”

“Nope.  I never have.  Are you just figuring that out?”

He nailed me there.  Guess I’ve been pretty slow to pick up on that one–more accurately blinded by my own desires without thinking about his.

And I shared my gift idea with him. 

And I could tell he was genuinely excited!

So, no, there will not be a surprise element to his Christmas.  But he’ll know he is loved–the way he needs to be loved.

And there won’t be any hard feelings because I’ve already apologized.

Ephensians 4:2

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Dare you to see Christmas through the lens of your children in how they receive love.

Double dare you to ask yourself if it’s about the gifts, the surprise, family time, or teaching the true meaning of Christmas in light of our Savior’s birth.

God keeps teaching me to:

“Let go…and Let God”,

With Christmas around the corner, why not fill a parent or teacher’s stocking with a gift that will help them grow in their relationships.  Order your copy or copies of With All Due Respect here .

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Parenting Focus – Integrating Heart and Mind

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I’m in the middle of three books which, if you know me, is highly unusual for this linear thinker.  The thing for me is that none of them are remotely connected–or so I thought.

Today, I had the A-ha that God has me focused here for a reason.  Each of these books is focused on the mind.  One goal I have for myself is to have the mind of Christ as I parent.  I want to see the world as He sees it.  I want to be focused on His will, His priorities, and His values.  Isn’t that what we want for our children as well?

As I think about the christian parenting books that I’ve read through the years, most of them talk about capturing the child’s heart. Know that love and a desire to obey have to come from the heart.

 Luke 6:45

The good person out of the good treasure of the heart produces good, and the evil person out of evil treasure produces evil; for it is out of the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks.

When our hearts are in the right place, a place of humility in reverence to God, we can parent with grace.

Ron Deal author of The Smart Step-Family shares a scripture that I have never really thought about from a parenting perspective.

1 Peter 5:5

…dress yourselves in humility as you relate to one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.

Think about that as a parent.  When we relate to our kids as if we have all the answers, they tend to push back in opposition.  However, when we give grace and approach them with humility, they are much more likely to give us grace in return.  Humility helps forge the relationship.

Working on the heart of the child means that we are developing relationship such that they want to do what is right and pleasing because they can feel our love and acceptance of them being a distinct person separate from us.  It means having more positive interactions than negative.  Focusing on the good in our child rather than always pointing out what they are doing wrong allows our kids to develop in a way that is positive and healthy.

But scripture also tells us in Matthew 22:37, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.

I find it interesting that there don’t seem to be as many christian books out there that focus on developing our children’s mind.  I’m guessing that the reason might be that most of us already do so much to educate and teach our children the things that we value.  I remember when my kids were little they heard my husband say over and over, “We’re Hitchcock’s, we’re good at math, reading and tennis.”  In addition, we did an Awana program that focused on scripture memory hoping they would understand what it means to focus our minds on Christ.  As Christian parents most of us spend lots of time trying to help our kids develop their minds.

I find the latest research on brain development fascinating as it relates to how we relate to our teens.  Most know that our brains don’t fully mature until somewhere in the mid-twenties.  For parents of tweens and teens, it means we can still help our kids develop their minds while they are still under our roof and beyond. Our focus needs to make sure that we help our teens integrate both the cognitive and emotional sides of the brain.

Learning empathy, compassion, and other relationship skills (the right side of the brain) is very different from learning rote memorization of facts and the logical way to solve problems that occurs in the left.  When used in harmony both sides of the brain will help our kids develop what the Bible refers to as wisdom.

Dr. David Jeremiah in his study What Do You Think? reminds us that in the ancient Hebrew language, wisdom meant “skill”.  As we consider the use of the word in our parenting, it means our job is to help give our kids the “skills” to connect emotionally and logically in a way that will help create new pathways in the brain to forge better relationships.

Unfortunately in today’s culture, relationship skills are taking a back seat to technology communicated through text and pictures rather than face-to-face communication.  Assumptions are made without the opportunity to see a person’s body language, tone of voice, or facial expressions.  It means that our kid’s brains are being wired with shorter attention span and the inability to use both the logical and emotional sides of the brain at the same time because part of the “data” is missing from the interaction.

Bonding with our child’s heart becomes the ‘glue’ that helps connect our child to us so that we can help them develop the mind of Christ.  This means we teach them both skills that develop the emotional side of the brain as well as help them fill the cognitive side with God’s Word.  Then as we live life under the same roof we can model the empathy, compassion, and grace necessary to integrate a whole person helping them to connect words with action.

I love how Dr. Jeremiah puts it in his  What Do You Think? study, “We have to be very careful that we don’t lose sight of those things that create wisdom in our life — time, reflection, experience, correction, and meditation upon God’s Word.  We need information, but after that, we don’t need more information.  We need to allow God the opportunity to create wisdom in our life.  And it takes discipline in our digital age to turn off the electronics long enough to process the knowledge we already have.”

Dare you to become aware of whether your parenting actions line up with God’s Word.  Do you approach your tweens, teens, and 20-somethings with humility that will draw you closer together?  If you do, the relationships in your home will be more fulfilling and there will be less opposition during the teen stage of life.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Do you feel inadequate in fostering the relationship skills that you so desire with your kids?  Maybe you are just tired of parenting and the constant struggle is wearing you down.  We have two opportunities for you.

  1. Why not grab a group of moms and go through our book With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship With Your Teens & Tweens.  This book will give you the opportunity to (like Dr. Jeremiah says) create wisdom in your parenting.  It is an opportunity to spend time and reflect as you meditate upon God’s Word.  It’s a great Bible Study tool or can be used as a 40 Day Devotional.
  2. If you want to learn “skills” that help create wisdom in your kids, know that we run a once a year three day workshop that will help you deflate defensiveness in your home with the people you love.  It’s called the Titus 2 Leadership Experience.  Here’s what one participant had to say:

“I am a preacher’s daughter who was born and raised in the church. I’ve been to countless women’s retreats. This is different! I’ve never experienced Christian women and leaders be so REAL with each other. God is doing something special with this ministry. My marriage and my family are being transformed. Most importantly, God is growing me. I highly recommend that you come see and experience this amazing Boot Camp for yourself!”