How Does Your Family Communicate?

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It’s easy as parents to try to communicate with all our children the same.  And typically, we tend to communicate with our kids in the way we grew up.  Some families look at communication as a way to make sure their kids are tough, resilient, and able to withstand whatever life sends their way.

But should we put more thought into the way we communicate with our family?

Are we aware, truly aware, of the sensitivity of some of our kids?  What might be considered joking and fooling around to one of our kids might actually feel like bullying to another–a feeling of not measuring up.

I came from a family where put-downs were commonplace.  With five brothers, the game of one-upsmanship was a daily endeavor and as the only girl I learned to  play it well.  Then, I  married into a family where sarcasm was a sport.  Quick wit resulted in words spoken with a hint of sting.  During our dating years I didn’t know quite how to handle the ridicule, but it didn’t take long for me to learn how to dish it out with the best of them.  Words rolled off my tongue as slippery glass ready to take down the next opponent.  

I’ll admit that at times the sarcasm continued even after we had kids.  My husband and I had continued our families’ traditions mainly because that is what we’d learned as normal family behavior.  Neither of us were the sensitive type so we’d usually laugh, pretend that we were keeping score, and move on to the next opportunity for a take down.

But then we witnessed the same behavior in our kids.

Ouch! Talk about seeing yourself in the mirror!

Noticing the same behavior from our kids gave us a wake-up call.  Dave and I joked about how we were trying to get the genie back in the bottle.  It took work, lots of work, to teach our kids to treat each other with kindness and respect instead of sarcasm and contempt.  Some learned better than others.

We noticed that a couple of our kids were more sensitive than the others to the verbal sarcasm that was hurled.  Others relished in the game.  It became a juggling act of the right consistency of discipline for the abuser and empathy for the one with hurt feelings.

A few weeks ago it hit me as our pastor spoke on Sunday morning about relationships and the need to communicate appropriately to the receiver.  

Do we communicate as we’ve been taught to communicate growing up (as in one-upsmanship language or sarcasm and contempt), or do we communicate in a way the other person needs to hear?

Here’s another way to think about it.  Are we speaking to hear ourselves or are we communicating to be heard from the other person.

Hmm…something to ponder.

Our pastor used the analogy of talking with his two kids.  With his son he needs to be very direct–laying out the process, making sure he understands.  But his daughter is more sensitive.  Speaking to her in the same way he speaks to his son would crush her sensitive spirit.  She needs the language of respect.

Oh my, do we crush our kid’s sensitive spirit with what we see as humor?  Is our humor borderline bullying masked in sarcasm?  Are we crushing our children’s sensitive spirit and allowing siblings to do the same without much intervention because we don’t know what to do? 

Old habits are difficult to extinguish even though I’ve worked hard to wipe sarcasm from my lips.  When I’m back with my brothers, I can easily slip back into my old ways of communicating and have to ask God for forgiveness.  At times I see the old patterns slip in with my now adult children.  

Romans 7:15

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

Just last week I found myself saying something that rolled off my tongue before I gave it thought.  Really?  After almost 30 years of trying to rid myself of this habit it reared it’s ugly head.

1 Peter 2:1

Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind.

I repented and asked the person for forgiveness.  I even confessed my sin to my husband, Dave–after all, this is something that we’ve both worked hard on over the years.

And then my husband shared with me about what he calls his GEL project.

He’s become more aware of the ease with which our adult children have slipped into our old patterns now that we all live in the same city and are together more.  Yes, they’re adults, but we’re still trying to teach in a relationship-type way.  Here’s our new mantra.

  • “G” stands for grace.  Grace that we extend to the person who violates the ” no one-upsmanship or sarcasm” new family tradition.  We also remind that person that they need to extend grace to the person who they feel the need to put down.  All we have to do is say the word grace and the offender knows what we are talking about.
  • “E” stands for empathy.  Each of us needs to extend empathy to the other person for the mistakes they make, for not measuring up, or for things that sometimes happen to them.  We learn to understand the feelings the other person has and listen when they voice their frustration of the words spoken to them.  Empathy is especially needed in communicating with those who are more sensitive.
  • “L” stands for love.  We love each other as 1 Corinthians 13:4-7  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Dare you to look at the way your family communicates and take action on whatever needs to change.  Maybe you should institute a GEL project in your home.   Awareness of how we are to treat others will not only change the culture in our homes, but if we can teach our kids to take it out into the world, who knows what changes might happen.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Interested in leading a parenting Bible study that will have women sharing on a deep level from the beginning?  Want them to walk away with a WOW! experience?  With All Due Respect will do just that and we promise to make it easy to lead.  You don’t need to be a perfect parent; you don’t need to have perfect kids; and you don’t need to have ever led a group before.

Dare ya!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who Gets the Blame in Your House?

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Let’s face it, as moms we know our kids.  We know what they are capable of and what they might do and most likely what they won’t do.  Hopefully we understand their hearts and what motivates them.

And we definitely know which of our kids is most likely to cause trouble in the family.  

I can’t tell you how many times as a mom I’ve had my kids come and tattle on the other.  And I’ll admit that at times I did the wrong thing–I passed judgment on who was telling the truth.  Think wearing a black and white striped referee shirt calling the shots of who is in the wrong–even without seeing the play.

Why?  Because we know our kids.  We know what they are capable of and what they might do.

Lord, forgive us as parents because we know not what we do.

Too many times as parents we choose to discipline without knowing all the facts.  We don’t recognize that if there is conflict then most likely both of our kids are to blame in some manner.  After all, you can’t have conflict without two people.

And if we have several kids, we typically create one of them to be the scapegoat.  Think about it.  A scapegoat is a person who is blamed for the wrongdoings, mistakes, or faults of others.  And it is usually done for for reasons of expediency.

How many times have we issued judgment on one of our kids in a conflict situation between siblings because we want it to be over and done? We don’t want to sort through the “he said, she did”, and whatever else we hear as they try to talk over each other.  So we issue an edict and refuse to talk about it any more.  Most likely our judgment is issued on the kid who we think we know started it in the first place–our family scapegoat.

What if we began handling these scenarios differently?  What if we took the time to teach our kids to solve their own differences?  And what if instead of judgment we taught them empathy and validation skills that they could use with each other?  These are skills that communicate love as well as respect.

Now I know that some of you think I’ve gone off the deep end by now.  You don’t even think this is possible.  But stay with me.  I know this is a long post, but it is so needed in most of our families.

What is our goal as parents?  Isn’t it to help teach our kids self-respect while they are under our roof rather than choosing sides where there is a winner and a loser in our family?  After all, if we fall into that trap we are creating extreme thinking in each of our kids.  The one in the “right” can develop an “I’m all that” way of thinking while the scapegoat develops the mentality of “I’m a loser and won’t ever measure up so why should I try”.

So what are some steps you can take if you are in the referee parent zone?

  1. When one of the kids starts screaming, or tattling, or blaming, pull them into a room together.  In other words, help them address their own problems with each other, not with you.
  2. Your role is coach not referee.  If there is a lot of emotional blaming, stop the conversation and take a time out.  Send them separate directions to calm down.
  3. Resume the conversation. Have them state the facts from their perspective.  No judgment.  Just facts.
  4. Coach them to communicate their why.  Teens need help understanding their feelings and their actions as a result of those feelings.  Sometimes they will discover that the “why they did what they did” has nothing to do with the present circumstance but something that they felt in the past.
  5. Teach your kids to show empathy and validate the other person’s feelings.
  6. Encourage them to apologize to each other for their part.
  7. Help them decide what they need from each other in the future to keep this from happening again. 

Here’s an abbreviated example of what it might look like.  Know that typically this conversation will most likely take time–sometimes lots of time.  Hopefully, this will get you started thinking about other ways to handle conflict in your home.

Aubrey:  “I pushed you and took your car keys because you think you are some hot shot at school.” 

Jeremy: “You made me out to be a fool in front of all the kids at school.  Mom, she made me sit there in the parking lot until I had to finally chase her down to get my keys.”

Mom:  “I can see that both of you are upset about this.  I’m going to ask each of you to go find something to do to calm yourselves down.  We’ll talk about it again after dinner.  Be thinking about what part you need to own and why you did what you did.”

After dinner…

Mom:  “I know in the past I’ve usually decided who was at fault when the two of you disagree.  Both of you are getting to the age where you need to start resolving your own problems.  I’m going to try to coach you through the process.  Know that I might stop you and try to teach you a better way to say something.  It might be awkward, but pretend you are at basketball practice and your coach is teaching you a new drill.  Jeremy, why don’t you go first and tell Aubrey just the facts as you saw them today.  Address her directly, not me.”

Jeremy:  “Aubrey, I can’t believe you took my keys today.  You made me feel like an idiot in front of my friends having to chase you down to get them so we could come home.”

Aubrey:  “You act like you are some hot shot at school.  You talk to all your friends as we are getting in the car and it is like I’m some tag along.  I’m invisible to you.  I was trying to get your attention today to tell you something and you told me to shut up.  That really upset me.” 

Jeremy:  “But you…”

Mom:  “Let’s stop right there.  The two of you are getting emotional again.  Take a deep breath.  Let me summarize the facts I heard based on what you both just said.  Both of you were coming out of school and Aubrey was trying to tell you something.  She felt like you weren’t listening so she grabbed your keys and ran off with them.  Jeremy, you chased her down to get them and felt embarrassed because of what Aubrey forced you to do to get the keys back.”

Once there is consensus on the facts,  talk about the why.

Mom:  “Now let’s talk about the why.  Aubrey why don’t you go first”.

Aubrey:  “Jeremy never listens to me.  I took his keys because I wanted to remind him that we needed to stop at the store to pick stuff up for my science project on the way home and he wasn’t listening.  I needed to get his attention somehow.”

Mom:  “Jeremy, Aubrey just told you why she did what she did and how she feels invisible to you.  Rather than tell your side of the story, I’d like you to use words to show her that you care about how she was feeling.”

After Jeremy shows empathy and validates Aubrey, then Mom would coach Aubrey to do the same after Jeremy states his why.  Then they need to apologize to each other.

Once they’ve worked through it, coach them in ways to help keep the problem from happening in the future.  Be thinking, ‘what does Aubrey want in the relationship’ and ‘what does Jeremy want’?  

In this scenario, they both wanted the same thing–respect.

It isn’t until we teach our kids to “put themselves in the other’s shoes” that we can help them develop deep relationships with others. 

Luke 6:37-38; 40

 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”   The student is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like their teacher.”
How often do we judge or condemn our kids without knowing the whole truth?  Teach your kids the skills to resolve their own differences.  After all, don’t we want our teens to mature into adults who act like adults?
Dare you to look at your own style of resolving conflict in your home.  Maybe your scapegoat’s behavior is based on how he sees himself.  Get the skills you need to be the best parent you can be.
“Let go…and Let God”,

I hope you are enjoying some of the content of these blogs.  Know that I want to walk beside you in your parenting and help you think outside the box of the way most of us were parented.  We are raising a new generation of kids who need connection.  With technology, cell phones, and relationships condensed to text, our kids will miss out on the skills of deep relationships unless we teach them the importance of respecting themselves and others.  I don’t know about you, but I’m seeing real authentic relationships becoming a thing of the past.

Will you be part of the Generation Changing movement?  We’d love to have you grab the book With All Due Respect  and go through it with your friends.  It will change the way you look at your role as a parent.  And we promise to make it easy to lead.  You don’t need to be a perfect parent; you don’t need to have perfect kids; and you don’t need to have ever led a group before.

A Small Group Leader’s Guide is also available with questions for group discussion.

It will change your relationships with God, with your spouse, and with your kids.

Dare ya!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Can I do When Dad is Out-of-Control?

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It has been amazing to me the number of women who have shared stories of out-of-control behavior from their spouses.  Their teen does something to upset dad and the war is on.

It makes me sad.

And I’m betting that if you are in that situation in your home, then your feelings are even more heavy than mine.  I’m so sorry for what you are going through.

Most women in these situations ask me what they can do to ease the strife and reduce the fear that plagues their home.  

These women love their husbands.  They know that they are good men.  It’s in the heat of the moment that something breaks inside these men.  They use their physical stance or words to show their power.  Thankfully the women I’ve spoken to haven’t experienced physical abuse in their homes, but they are fearful of what might happen someday.

These women also love their children.  They want to make sure they are protecting them even though now the kids tower over them in stature at times.  Most of them worry about the affect these outbursts will have on their kids in the future.  Will they see out-of-control behavior as something that is acceptable?  Are they harboring anger and resentment that will keep them from returning home once they have the ability to move out?  Will the behavior replicate itself when they become parents?

So here are a few things that I share with women.  I’ve had several women tell me it has made a huge difference in their homes.  Others, not so much.  But either way, if you are a mom wanting to calm the wars between your husband and your teens, here’s a place to start.

  1. Pick a time when there is no strife and ask your husband’s permission to talk with him about a problem you are concerned with.
  2. Create a safe environment for him by letting him know what a great husband and dad he is.
  3. Let him know that you know he loves his kids and wants the best for them.
  4. Share your concerns in a non-threatening way.
  5. Try to get agreement on how the two of you can handle these outbursts in the future.

The conversation might go something like this:  “Honey, I know that you want to be a good dad and want relationship with the kids even after they leave our home.  One of the things I’m concerned about is when things like what happened the other night take place.  I know that you don’t mean to get so upset and I’m sure you probably regret it.  Can we talk about what you might be feeling during those moments? I wonder if there might be something I could do to help you during those interchanges?  I love you and want us to have great relationships with our kids.”

Obviously this is a simplified version of how the conversation might go–but I want to encourage you to step into the middle of what could be conflict.  Our kids are precious and worth the conversation, even if it goes poorly.

I would also like to encourage you to talk with your teens.  Let them share their feelings and struggle with you when these situations occur.  Strategize together on things they might try to de-escalate the situation. Perhaps you encourage them to have a similar dialogue like the one above with their dad.  If that isn’t safe, maybe you have the conversation first with your husband and encourage him to sit down with you and your teen to talk through the issues while you coach both of them in the conversation.

Another thing you might consider is asking your spouse to go to counseling or talk to someone at church about how to handle his emotion.  More times than not, these episodes stem from anger in other situations that have not been adequately resolved sometimes from childhood.

Ephesians 6:13-15

13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.

One of our roles as moms is to be relationship architects such that our home is a sanctuary of peace for our family.  Sometimes that means respectfully engaging in conflict so that others will understand appropriate boundaries and work on their issues.

Prayers to you who are engaged in the battle for your kids when dad is out-of-control.  And don’t be afraid to protect your children if  communication escalates the issues.

“Let go…and let God”,

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If you want to resolve conflict in your home, I would encourage you to check out With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens & Tweens.  In it, we talk about things that help parents learn preemptive conflict resolution skills.  I’d love to walk beside you in our eCourse that goes along with the book.  If you need to talk, email me at debbiehitchcock@gettingperspective.com

 

 

6 Steps to Help Validate Your Kids

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The word validation has been cropping up everywhere I turn for the past two weeks.  It’s something that I’ve struggled with for years.  I always thought empathy and validation were essentially the same thing.  I tended to be pretty good on the empathy front so I assumed that my empathy was in fact validating my kids.  After all, I was listening, naming their feelings, trying to connect on an emotional level.  I was telling them I understood why they felt the way they did, and then I would share how I saw the situation.

Wrong.  (That is the sharing how I saw the situation part).

It took a good friend to call me out on it one day.  Actually we were in the middle of a disagreement.  It wasn’t heated and I was doing my best at showing her empathy at the time.  Then I used the word.  You probably use it often too.  It is that little word where we invalidate everything we just said.

I used the word “But”.

Validation is more than empathy.  Validation says that you have a right to think the way you do AND feel the way you feel.  It also says that I’m willing to acknowledge it.  I am willing to be present in your moment.

On a surface level, validation is acknowledgement.  When we are standing in the kitchen prepping a meal and our teen comes in from school, turning to acknowledge they are home, looking them in the eye, or asking a question is a form of validation.  It says that I think you are more important that whatever I am doing in the moment.  I choose to be present and engage says a lot to validate the importance of that person in your life.  Multi-tasking while our teen is sharing their story is not validation.  

Oh, my.  How many times a day do I actually stop what I am doing to validate the importance of my teen in my life?

Another level of validation is to summarize and reflect on what the other person has said and maybe include how you think the person is feeling.  Just by summarizing in a non-judgmental way, it tells your teen that you hear her AND you acknowledge her world.  If your teen comes in crying and tells you something her best friend did to her, “Meggie told everyone at school that I liked Tim.  I hate her!”, validating her might be something like “Oh, I’m so sorry she told everyone that.  You must feel so hurt that she would betray your confidence.”  Another step would be to hug and console her by letting her cry on your shoulder.

How many times do we invalidate our teen by saying things we think will fix the problem?  “Oh, honey, you don’t hate Meggie.  She’s your best friend.”  or “Meggie certainly didn’t mean to tell everyone.  You’re just hurt.  This will blow over.”  We may say the words in a soothing manner; however, have we thought about what we are really saying to our child?  Words such as these defend the other person and can make our teen feel like their thoughts and feelings aren’t justified.

To take it up a notch, we can even validate someone when we are in the middle of a disagreement. 

  • Listen carefully to their words and summarize them to make sure you heard correctly in a non-threatening, non-judgmental way.
  • Read their body language and use words to describe what they might be feeling.  Get consensus that the words you choose are accurate to them.
  • Understand their tone of voice and acknowledge the emotion the other person is conveying.
  • Agree with the other person as much as possible.  In other words, agree that they have a right to feel the way they feel and they have a right to think differently than you.
  • Apologize for your part in making the other person feel the way they feel even if you feel that you did nothing to make them feel that way. Sometimes we do and say things that are taken the wrong way, but we can still apologize for the way it came across.
  • Try to resolve the disagreement only after the other person feels totally heard and understood.  Make sure they know that you are on their team.

A mom called me last week to share a conversation she had had with her adult son.   He called her to say he wanted to come over because he had some things he wanted to get off his chest.  It seems he had been bottling up frustration for several years about some of the decisions his mom had made when he lived at home and the way he was parented.  This son came in with accusation after accusation.  When I asked my friend how she responded to him, she told me, “I just listened and then told him why I did the things I did.”

As she shared, I imagined a ping-pong game.  You did this, justification.  You did that, justification.  When this happened, justification.  You didn’t, justification.  Back and forth without any acknowledgement of his feelings.  No summarizing to get clarification of his thoughts or to make sure he felt heard.

“How did the conversation end?” I asked.

“After about an hour and a half, I told him I was sorry and he left,” she responded.  “He seemed talked out.”

“I asked if she thought her son felt closure and connection.”  

“I don’t know,” she replied.

The son most likely wanted reconciliation and an adult perspective of what happened while he was growing up.  Let’s face it.  As parents we will make mistakes and we want our kids to bring those things they are having difficulty understanding to our attention.  Thankfully, this mom was open to the conversation; she listened and she did apologize.

That’s a great first step.

But validation can be so much more if we choose to not justify our actions.  Justification says I’m right and you are wrong.  It can become threatening and feel judgmental to the other person.

Many of us do this without even realizing it!  It is second nature to justify our actions and responses especially if we grew up in a home that didn’t use validation as a means of encouragement and connection. 

This friend and I are still talking about her conversation with her son.  She didn’t even recognize that there was more she could have done.  I’m encouraging her to try practicing the skill of validation and reopen the conversation with her son in the future.  If she does, then full restorative healing can take place.

Acknowledgement of our child’s thoughts, frustrations, and emotions through validation can strengthen our relationship beyond our wildest dreams.  It communicates acceptance.  It communicates that their thoughts and emotions have value.  And even when we don’t necessarily agree with them, it shows that there are different ways to view any situation and their way is okay.  Validation leads to an opportunity to later explain your view of the situation without condemnation.  They’ll be more open to listening to you because they feel valued by you.

Romans 8:1

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,

Dare you to learn the skills of validation to enhance the relationship with your teens.  Start becoming more aware of your conversations with your teens by getting rid of the “but” and justifying your actions.  If you do, it will strengthen your relationship.

“Let go…and let God”,

We’re in the process of revamping our With All Due Respect eCourse.  For a limited time moms can sign up for our current course on Facebook.  And it’s free. Get your copy of the book to go through the dares with us here.

Changing Our Communication with Our Teens

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Misty caught herself doing it again. But this time she knew what she had done it all wrong. She could fix it if she could think through the steps calmly. She knew she needed to change her communication with her 14 year old son, but she was just so emotional where he was concerned. He got her so riled up!

It started out innocently, but then it grew and grew.

“Tyler, I thought I asked you to put the baseball bag out in the garage.”

“Oh, I forgot.”

“What do you mean you forgot? If you would just do what I tell you when I tell you, it wouldn’t have been a problem!”

“Mom, I needed to call Mark back. I told him I would call him as soon as I got in.”

“I don’t care what you did. It is what you didn’t do.”

“By the way, did you bring in the trash cans like I asked?”

“I’m heading out there now.”

“Don’t forget to take the baseball stuff with you!”

“Geesh, Mom, I come in from the big game and all you do is order me around,” Tyler mumbled under his breath.

“What did you say? Don’t you talk to me like that or you’ll be doing the dinner dishes too!”

And with that comment, Tyler slammed the door to the garage.

As parents of tweens and teens, it is so easy to spiral out of control with conversations like the one above. What starts out as a simple request that doesn’t get fulfilled ends up in a situation where both the parent and the teen become so emotionally drawn in that both end up frustrated or angry.

Do you ever go back and analyze the communication pattern to understand the emotional trigger?

Take Misty’s conversation with Tyler. What if she was able to hit the rewind button?

“Tyler, I thought I asked you to put the baseball bag out in the garage.”

“Oh, I forgot.”

“Honey, I know you’re probably tired from baseball. Why don’t you take the bag to the garage and please bring in the trash cans while you are at it. I’ll fix you a snack and you can tell me all about the game.

All Misty did was change one response…and the relationship is maintained. The frustration and anger doesn’t get a chance to even start.

But what if you are like Misty and the anger is too high and it’s too late to rewind? Take a break, analyze, and apologize.

When emotion is high and there is no way for positive communication to take place, it’s time to take a break. Too many times in situations like this, we as parents want to let Tyler verbally have it again when he comes back in the house. Try taking a break instead. Let him get his emotions under control so he can better listen and hear what you have to say.

While you are taking a “time out” from him, analyze what happened. Where did the communication break down? How could you have responded differently? Since we can only change our own behavior, we have to assume that we as parents have the ability to either not start the fight or have communication tools to de-escalate the emotional fire. Take ownership for changing the outcome.

When both of you have had time to calm down, model a heart-felt apology. Here’s Misty’s repair attempt with Tyler after dinner.

“Tyler, I owe you an apology for earlier. I’m sorry I was so upset that you hadn’t taken your baseball bag out and put it in the garage like I asked you. I know that you were probably tired after the game and all I could think about was the dirt that was probably on that bag after I vacuumed earlier today. I didn’t even ask you how the game went. Will you forgive me for being so focused on a clean house rather than on your day?”

Proverbs 12:18

The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Dare you to pay attention to emotions that skyrocket. Using words that bring healing might make for a much calmer house and fewer emotional battles.

“Let go…and let God,”

When Our Kids Are Angry At Us

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I remember the event vividly.  One of my sons did something that that had me questioning whether I could trust him.  He had done something that was against our family rules; it was something that could have negative consequences to him and we had been explicit in explaining the reason for our decree.

But he did it anyway.

And someone else saw him do it and told us.

Definitely an act that had us questioning his integrity.

Ugh!  I hate those parenting situations.

So what do you do when your teen disobeys you?  

  1. Confront in love.  For us, we sat with our son and once again explained the reason for our family rule.  Thankfully he admitted that he was wrong and seemed repentant for his actions.
  2. Determine consequence if any.  Based on our particular situation we didn’t actually issue a consequence.  As our son had legally just become an adult, we chose to put a boundary in place instead.  It went something like this, “We understand that because you are an adult you want to push our limits and make your own choices.  What you did was not a good choice and it impacted what others now think about you.  You have to decide if you are a good kid or want to be seen as a rebel. The rule remains in effect for each of you kids and it is there because we love you and want the best for you.  Right now we don’t trust you.  Your job is to rebuild trust with us.  Do you understand?  It means obeying the rules especially when it comes to this one.”   
  3. Love but be on alert.  We went back to the way things had always been.  We assumed the best yet kept our eyes open for signs that our son wasn’t living up to the family expectations.

And about a month later, he was caught again.

Really?  Did he not learn his lesson?

I had one of those mom hunches but really didn’t believe he would do it again.  After all, he is typically a responsible kid.  

But, yes, he was caught.

And he got angry when confronted.  

“I’m 18.  I’m an adult.  I have a right.”

“Yes, honey, those things are all true.  However, you are still living under our roof.  We pay the bills.  And as long as you stay here and we feed you, clothe you, and provide transportation for you, you need to submit to our rules.”  I’ll admit I was upset, but I tried to say this in the most calm, controlled voice I could muster.

With that the accusations started.  You know the ones.  The anger, the blame, the “you can’t do that”, and whatever else he could think of came tumbling out of his mouth.

It was hard, but I chose to stand firm.  The scripture verse kept rambling around in my head, “Let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes’, and your ‘no’ mean ‘no’.”  

Once again I challenged him on his disobedience, the cover-up of his actions, and the lie.  I told him that he was supposed to be rebuilding trust yet it was fractured more than ever.  And I told him he had a decision to make.  He could either choose to obey or choose to be an adult on his own.

And he walked off with continued anger.

We tried to talk with him, but his anger continued to spew every time we were with him.

And then the silent treatment came.  He refused to talk with us even when spoken to.  Dinner was eaten in silence.  An encounter in the hall was met with a glare.

We tried to talk about the situation, but his emotion still remained out of control.  It went on for an entire day and I was emotionally drained.  How could this kid act this way?  I wanted to get angry back.  I wanted to tell him all the reasons he was wrong.

And then I remembered some things about anger and emotions that a wise counselor once told me.

  1. We all have to work through our emotions.
  2. Working through our emotions takes time.
  3. When we lose something that we think is important to us we need time to grieve the loss.
  4. The best thing a parent can do is give our kid space when they are angry at us.

So I silently waited.  I would communicate “here’s what we’re doing tonight” kind of information to him and continued to love him, but I didn’t demand he respond.  I didn’t tell him he was being rude and disrespectful.  I–silently–waited.  

Not one day, not two days, but three and a half days later in the kitchen I noticed that he spoke to me.  It was a random question about dinner.  

I responded.

He carried on a conversation at dinner with the family.

And then two days after that, when it seemed that he had worked through his emotions, we talked.  He let me know how he was feeling.  He shared why he responded as he did.  And I apologized for making him angry.

Notice I didn’t apologize for my actions.  I apologized for how I made him feel.

And then we moved on.

He knew he needed to rebuild trust.  We talked about our need for him to tell the truth and not cover up his disobedience.  We had already talked about the consequences of his second offense and talked about our expectations of his future behavior.

And we diligently watched.

Parenting can be a difficult, heartbreaking road to travel when our kids do the unexpected.  It can send us into the emotional abyss if we can’t pull our own emotions into perspective.  Time and vigilance are needed to get to the other side of the event so that the relationship can be rebuilt.

Dare you to look at your own trying times with your kids and allow time and space to put out the flames that ignited the anger.

“Let go…and Let God”,