The Best Gift You Can Give Your 20-Something

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Having had four teenagers under one roof at the same time, I know what it was like to literally feel as though every second was accounted for. I took my role as Mom seriously having given up a corporate job when my kids were little. For me, motherhood became a passion, a calling that I was going to strive to do to the best of my ability. I’ve packed lunches, driven to more sporting events than I care to admit, sat and talked until the wee hours of the morning with an upset teen, attempted to keep the house clean, tried to keep food on the table (that’s hard with three boys to feed!) and, well, you get the picture.

Then all of a sudden, the house got silent…deathly silent. The house stayed clean. There were only two sets of dishes. Laundry could be done in three loads once a week instead of being a full-time job.

I was lucky! I got an inkling of what goes on in those 20-something heads when they first started to leave the nest.

It all began with my oldest, right before he moved out of the house for that permanent transition.

“Mom, what are you going to do with all your time when we’re all gone? You’ve spent your life doing for us. What are you going to do for you?”

It was an innocent question that I thought was so endearing. He was worried about me? I gave him a laundry list of all the things that I needed to catch up on. You know, that list of things you wish you could get done but never have time for while you have kids in the house.

He called me one day about a month or so after moving out. We spent most of time talking about his new job, his apartment, his friends and all the other “new” in his life. After he caught me up on everything that was happening in his world, he asked me, “So, Mom, what did you do today?”

Even though I had accomplished quite a bit by my expectation: cleaned out the closet, paid the bills, fixed three meals and cleaned up the kitchen, had my quiet time, talked to a friend, picked up his brother from school…I could tell he wanted more. He was looking for something exciting in my life.

As I contemplated the conversation later, the light bulb went on! “Oh, I get it! He wants to be free to go live his life now!”

By the time my fourth was leaving for college, I was prepared for the conversation that took place.

“Mom, what are you going to do with all your time when I’m gone? It’s time for you to do something for you!”

I had a plan in place. “I’m going to work for a ministry, Michael. I’m going to do what God is calling me to do.” And I excitedly started sharing my anticipation of the days ahead when he left. His shoulders relaxed–and a smile came to his face–he seemed content.

It was okay to leave.

Now, on days when my kids call, I can share with them how I’ve spent my time. I share with excitement…because they are interested! They want to know that I’m passionately living my life!

What I’ve come to realize is that most kids need the freedom to “fly from the nest” knowing that we’ll have a life outside of theirs. While they are flapping their wings, they want us to soar too. If we are happy and busily engaged in our own lives (of course, still leaving room for them), doing something productive, we’ll still have lots to talk about even though we aren’t intimately involved in the daily activity of their lives.

One of the best gifts we can give our 20-somethings is the assurance that we will thrive even though we aren’t part of their daily lives.

Proverbs 31:28-29

Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”

“Let go…and let God,”


 

Tired of the Shouting Match?

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Getting to the bottom of our emotional reactions to our kids can be difficult.  The heat of the moment can cause us to do things we said we would never do. And it has taken me a long time to understand these reactions even in myself.  Years, in fact.  If I’m feeling something going on inside of me, my tendency now is to get to the bottom of it and understand why I feel the way I feel.  And then make amends with my kids if I’ve responded in an unhealthy way.  I’ve learned that rather than listening to my feelings, I need to put my prefrontal cortex (thinking brain) in charge.  I’m finding that I’m better at it now — well at least most of the time.

But at times I’ll admit that anger, frustration, or fear will well up within me and I have to fight it back.  It’s a skill.  It is an awareness.

And it doesn’t typically come naturally to any of us unless we’ve seen it modeled.

That’s what puts many of us as parents at a deficit as to what to do with our emotion and what to do with our kids’ emotions.  Typically it becomes a standoff.  We tend to match our child’s emotional level trying to get them to “hear” us.  The next step becomes the escalating shouting match.

It doesn’t work.

And it hurts the relationship.

Parents from my generation usually didn’t give much thought to how a child felt in the moment.  I’m guessing most of us have heard the proverbial “sit down and shut up” or “will you just be quiet” or “stop crying”.  Maybe we’ve even said it to our kids when we’re exhausted and don’t think we can take the whine another minute.   Yes, our child might calm down in the moment, but we’re setting them up for future emotional outbursts.

The goal of helping us and our kids become more aware of our independent feelings is so that we lessen their sometimes destructive hold on us.  There is  a case study conducted by a UCLA professor that showed that awareness and naming our feelings lightens the emotion and actually makes us happier.

Who doesn’t want happy kids?

What I’ve discovered through working with moms is that sitting in the emotional ‘spin’ of our child actually helps contain them.  What I mean by that is that by validating that it is okay for our child to feel the way they feel helps them accept themselves and love themselves in the moment despite how they feel.  It doesn’t matter that what they did was hurtful or disrespectful or uncalled for.  It doesn’t matter that they aren’t handling themselves in a mature fashion.  What matters is that they know that in the moment when they feel out of control, that they are loved and everything will be okay.  

When we validate our child we’re communicating that they are valued and precious even in the moment they are in.   It says that we love them even when they are spewing all over everyone else.  A hug, looking them in the eye, and sitting with them holding their hand and offering tissues helps them know that someone is there to help them deal with the pain of the situation even when it might seem totally uncalled for to us.

Their feelings are their feelings.  Our job is to just be there for them in their moment.

Let’s say your 14 year old comes in after school, slams the back door, fails to take his muddy shoes off as he walks across the carpet.  When you ask him what is wrong, he shouts, “I hate you”, and then proceeds to slam his bedroom door breaking the hinge in the process.

Most of us tend to focus on all the things our kid did wrong:

  1. Slamming the back door.
  2. Wearing his muddy shoes on the carpet.
  3. Shouting “I hate you” which hurts us deeply.
  4. Breaking the door.

We focus on what happened rather than what our child is feeling.

When we put the emphasis on what was done wrong, we fail to get to the root of our teen’s feelings–the heart of the issue.  When we react in a harsh way, “How dare you speak to me like that” or “You are going to have to pay to repair this door” or “Come clean up this carpet right now”, we’re focusing on what was done to us not what is going on inside our teen.  By ignoring the reason for the outburst and not letting them vent in the moment, we are teaching our teens to either stuff and ignore their feelings or that their feelings don’t matter.

Research is showing that these are the very things that trigger addictions — emotional pain that the teen isn’t able to contain.  When feelings become overwhelming and aren’t understood, more and more teens start medicating to deal with feelings they want to get rid of.  When we choose to be in their moment and help contain them, we are lightening their emotional load.  We’re letting them see that nothing is wrong with those feelings and we’re here for them.

Galatians 6:2

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

I’ve sat with moms who have shared the frustration of not being able to connect with their adopted children as they become teens.  The hurt and feeling of abandonment of a teen can be overwhelming.  Dealing with the fact that they were given away can bring much pain deeply rooted in who they are.  The same goes for the girl who has become an outcast in her circle of friends or the boy who doesn’t measure up in sports or has a creative bent unlike his male peers.  

The teen years are a time of self-discovery as they try to figure out who they are.  It’s a time when they need to be nurtured–not taken to task for the things they do or don’t do.

Spending time in their emotional world and teaching them to self-process their feelings will help them move from emotional “doom and gloom” to “this will all blow over and I’ll be okay”.  It will allow your teen to move the situation from their emotional brain to their thinking brain which moves them toward maturity.  Once you’ve helped them, then and only then is it time to help them cognitively process the muddy carpet, the harsh words spoken in anger, and the broken hinge — in a gentle, matter of fact way.

Teaching our teens to process their emotional stuff will help them move to the more mature process where they can start viewing situations from the other person’s perspective.   It means that they will begin to move from the emotion of  ‘I can’t believe she did that to me’ to a mature thought process of ‘she typically doesn’t treat me this way, I’m guessing she is having a bad day.  I wonder if I did something to upset her.’  

Wouldn’t it be great if even as adults we could quickly move from the emotion to mature logical thinking? What if we could give the other person the benefit of the doubt instead of spinning in their emotion getting caught up in the other person’s level of anger? Wouldn’t it be satisfying to realize that instead of heaping our emotions on top of an already volatile emotional situation we could help soothe the other person in such a way that we both felt good about ourselves and our relationship?

Dare you to think about the emotional situations in your own home.  Are you responding to your child’s emotional fire in a healthy way?

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

 

 

 

6 Steps to Help Validate Your Kids

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The word validation has been cropping up everywhere I turn for the past two weeks.  It’s something that I’ve struggled with for years.  I always thought empathy and validation were essentially the same thing.  I tended to be pretty good on the empathy front so I assumed that my empathy was in fact validating my kids.  After all, I was listening, naming their feelings, trying to connect on an emotional level.  I was telling them I understood why they felt the way they did, and then I would share how I saw the situation.

Wrong.  (That is the sharing how I saw the situation part).

It took a good friend to call me out on it one day.  Actually we were in the middle of a disagreement.  It wasn’t heated and I was doing my best at showing her empathy at the time.  Then I used the word.  You probably use it often too.  It is that little word where we invalidate everything we just said.

I used the word “But”.

Validation is more than empathy.  Validation says that you have a right to think the way you do AND feel the way you feel.  It also says that I’m willing to acknowledge it.  I am willing to be present in your moment.

On a surface level, validation is acknowledgement.  When we are standing in the kitchen prepping a meal and our teen comes in from school, turning to acknowledge they are home, looking them in the eye, or asking a question is a form of validation.  It says that I think you are more important that whatever I am doing in the moment.  I choose to be present and engage says a lot to validate the importance of that person in your life.  Multi-tasking while our teen is sharing their story is not validation.  

Oh, my.  How many times a day do I actually stop what I am doing to validate the importance of my teen in my life?

Another level of validation is to summarize and reflect on what the other person has said and maybe include how you think the person is feeling.  Just by summarizing in a non-judgmental way, it tells your teen that you hear her AND you acknowledge her world.  If your teen comes in crying and tells you something her best friend did to her, “Meggie told everyone at school that I liked Tim.  I hate her!”, validating her might be something like “Oh, I’m so sorry she told everyone that.  You must feel so hurt that she would betray your confidence.”  Another step would be to hug and console her by letting her cry on your shoulder.

How many times do we invalidate our teen by saying things we think will fix the problem?  “Oh, honey, you don’t hate Meggie.  She’s your best friend.”  or “Meggie certainly didn’t mean to tell everyone.  You’re just hurt.  This will blow over.”  We may say the words in a soothing manner; however, have we thought about what we are really saying to our child?  Words such as these defend the other person and can make our teen feel like their thoughts and feelings aren’t justified.

To take it up a notch, we can even validate someone when we are in the middle of a disagreement. 

  • Listen carefully to their words and summarize them to make sure you heard correctly in a non-threatening, non-judgmental way.
  • Read their body language and use words to describe what they might be feeling.  Get consensus that the words you choose are accurate to them.
  • Understand their tone of voice and acknowledge the emotion the other person is conveying.
  • Agree with the other person as much as possible.  In other words, agree that they have a right to feel the way they feel and they have a right to think differently than you.
  • Apologize for your part in making the other person feel the way they feel even if you feel that you did nothing to make them feel that way. Sometimes we do and say things that are taken the wrong way, but we can still apologize for the way it came across.
  • Try to resolve the disagreement only after the other person feels totally heard and understood.  Make sure they know that you are on their team.

A mom called me last week to share a conversation she had had with her adult son.   He called her to say he wanted to come over because he had some things he wanted to get off his chest.  It seems he had been bottling up frustration for several years about some of the decisions his mom had made when he lived at home and the way he was parented.  This son came in with accusation after accusation.  When I asked my friend how she responded to him, she told me, “I just listened and then told him why I did the things I did.”

As she shared, I imagined a ping-pong game.  You did this, justification.  You did that, justification.  When this happened, justification.  You didn’t, justification.  Back and forth without any acknowledgement of his feelings.  No summarizing to get clarification of his thoughts or to make sure he felt heard.

“How did the conversation end?” I asked.

“After about an hour and a half, I told him I was sorry and he left,” she responded.  “He seemed talked out.”

“I asked if she thought her son felt closure and connection.”  

“I don’t know,” she replied.

The son most likely wanted reconciliation and an adult perspective of what happened while he was growing up.  Let’s face it.  As parents we will make mistakes and we want our kids to bring those things they are having difficulty understanding to our attention.  Thankfully, this mom was open to the conversation; she listened and she did apologize.

That’s a great first step.

But validation can be so much more if we choose to not justify our actions.  Justification says I’m right and you are wrong.  It can become threatening and feel judgmental to the other person.

Many of us do this without even realizing it!  It is second nature to justify our actions and responses especially if we grew up in a home that didn’t use validation as a means of encouragement and connection. 

This friend and I are still talking about her conversation with her son.  She didn’t even recognize that there was more she could have done.  I’m encouraging her to try practicing the skill of validation and reopen the conversation with her son in the future.  If she does, then full restorative healing can take place.

Acknowledgement of our child’s thoughts, frustrations, and emotions through validation can strengthen our relationship beyond our wildest dreams.  It communicates acceptance.  It communicates that their thoughts and emotions have value.  And even when we don’t necessarily agree with them, it shows that there are different ways to view any situation and their way is okay.  Validation leads to an opportunity to later explain your view of the situation without condemnation.  They’ll be more open to listening to you because they feel valued by you.

Romans 8:1

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,

Dare you to learn the skills of validation to enhance the relationship with your teens.  Start becoming more aware of your conversations with your teens by getting rid of the “but” and justifying your actions.  If you do, it will strengthen your relationship.

“Let go…and let God”,

We’re in the process of revamping our With All Due Respect eCourse.  For a limited time moms can sign up for our current course on Facebook.  And it’s free. Get your copy of the book to go through the dares with us here.

Are You Cultivating the Relationship?

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The phone had been silent for several days and Shannon began to worry. Silence usually meant something was going on that her daughter didn’t want her to know about. Silence meant whatever was happening was something that her daughter knew she wouldn’t approve of. Silence meant this chasm would widen, the earth would give way, and then it would all come tumbling out–every unbelievable detail.

Shannon had grown accustomed to the turbulence that accompanied these silent times; they rattled her very soul. Shannon prayed; she sought answers from Scripture; she had given her daughter back to God more times than she could remember. But here she was again, crying out to God for some sort of awakening to occur in her daughter’s life. “Speak to her, Lord,” she uttered once again.

Shannon was learning that she was the one who needed to stay connected to her daughter. Amber needed a steady force in her life. Without Shannon reaching out in Amber’s own mode of communication “texting” or “Facebook – IM”, the telephone lines would continue to remain silent. “Checking in to see how you are doing,” she pounded out on the mini touchscreen. “Just wanted you to know that you are loved.”

“Love you too, Mom” came quickly back on the screen.

“You doing ok?” Shannon responded.

“I guess.” Amber replied. “Call you when I get off work.”

Shannon prayed throughout the day. She prayed for Amber. She prayed for whatever Amber would share with her this evening. She prayed that her responses would always come across as loving.

But silence continued throughout the evening. No call from Amber. Shannon continued to pray for her daughter. She’d try to reconnect again in a few days.

Three days later she sent a text to Amber just to see how she was doing.

The phone rang. “Hi, Mom. Sorry I didn’t call you back the other evening.”

“Honey, that’s okay. I know you’re busy. How’s work going?”

“Fine. How’s Harold doing?”

“He left, Mom.”

“What do you mean, he left”?

“Mom, he moved out.”

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry. How are you feeling about that?”

“I’m so upset–yet part of me is glad he is gone. At least I know what kind of man he really is.”

“What made him decide to leave? You two were starting to talk about marriage.”

“Mom, I guess you’ll find out soon enough anyway. I’m pregnant.”

Shannon took a deep breath. She knew her next words were critical. She could either bring life into her daughter or create an avalanche of destructive feelings into their conversation.

“Honey, I’m not sure how to respond. I’m in shock. I’m going to be a grandmother. How are you feeling about it?”

Ephesians 4:31-32

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and railing, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God also in Christ forgave you.

Sometimes our 20-Somethings make choices that we not only disagree with, but they make choices that will impact our lives in ways we would rather not deal with. Even though it would be easier to write them off saying that they can deal with their own issues (they know our phone number), we need to show them the love of Christ and initiate relationship. Words that come out of our mouths can either incite further anger and rejection or bring healing. We may not always be elated by the news they share, but it is important that we respond with the love of Christ.

Proverbs 16:24

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Dare you to connect with your 20-Something today by speaking words of tenderness to them. Why not send them a text?

“Let go…and let God,”


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Learning to Listen Our Kid’s Way

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Several years ago I remember a distinct day of listening and trying to walk beside two of my kids in a way that they needed.  What I discovered as I interacted with my 20-somethings that they both needed me in different ways.  What worked for one didn’t work for the other.

I caught myself opening my mouth when I should have been silent. “Just listen,” I kept telling myself. “Don’t offer advice; don’t ask too many questions.”

My son had gone into his silent mode, yet again. Right in the middle of his story, he just stopped talking. He was annoyed with me. It was his way of getting my attention.

The silence remained…

It became deafening as we sped down the highway.

“I know,” I ventured. “I asked a question and you were getting there. You don’t like me to interrupt your stories with questions. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I’m trying real hard to break the habit. It’s just that I’m used to talking with females. That’s how we communicate. It’s how we know that the other person is engaged. I know that it annoys you, but know that I am trying. Please finish your story. I’d love to hear the rest.”

It took my son a while, but he did start his story again.

“Whew, I salvaged it,” I rejoiced to herself. I continued to listen. Even when I was tempted to chime in, I bit my lip and said nothing. I knew this was the way I could communicate respect to my adult son.

Later that afternoon my 27 year old daughter dropped by to do a few loads of laundry since her apartment’s washer was on the fritz. I knew that times like these would become counseling sessions.

Being single was hard for my daughter. She struggled to make the money stretch far enough even though she had a good job. There always seemed to be something that was going wrong in her life and she needed someone to work through it with her. Since I knew my tendency was to try to fix my kids’ problems, I recognized that I needed to  shift gears in order to allow my kids to be fully independent. I wanted to be there for them, but not be enabling.

As my daughter continued with her most recent frustration, I knew from experience that she was someone who needed to verbalize every detail and feel heard.

“Mom, I just don’t know what to do. There just doesn’t seem to be anyway out. The noise level is ridiculous in that apartment complex. It is so hard to come home from work at 10:00 with the TV blaring next door. I got woken up twice the other night with those two love birds having a screaming match out in the hallway. I’ve just about had it.”

As I watched my daughter get more agitated about her circumstances, I started asking pertinent questions as I engaged in her story.

“Wow, how did you handle it?”

“Did anyone call the cops?”

“You must have found it really difficult to go to work the next day.”

And the conversation continued for what what seemed like eternity as I listened to every minute detail.  Finally she said, “Mom, what am I going to do?”

This was my moment of truth.  Would I give her my honest opinion on what she should do?  And that is when I threw the ball back in her court to solve her own problem.

And I started asking questions again. “What do you think your options are?”

“How do you think you should handle it?”

As my daughter continued to think through her options, thankfully I was able to say, “Sounds like you’ve solved your own problem.”

“Mom, thanks for listening and helping me figure it out. I got my laundry done and have an action plan for solving the problem at the apartment. You’re the greatest.”

Communicating with our 20-somethings can be so different. Figuring out how they like to be communicated with and adapting our style to theirs allows them to feel the respect and love they need. Listening can mean two totally different things depending on their bent. My son wanted to tell his story–his whole story–without interruption. My daughter needed lots of dialogue with questions that made her think.

If we want to build relationship, we need to adapt to their needs in order to communicate in the way our 20-something can feel connected.

Colossians 4:6

Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.

“Let go…and let God,”


 

Am I a Good Listener?

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As 24 year old Annie stood at work bored and waiting for the close of her shift at the local mall to end, she thought the next hour couldn’t come soon enough. Snow was supposedly swirling outside with the anticipation of another few inches and all she could think about was curling up at her apartment in front of a movie and being off her feet. These long evenings with little chance of customers in the store left her drained. With no one to talk to, time seemed to stand still. She desperately needed something to keep her mind occupied on these slow nights. Too bad there was no Wi-Fi she could connect to so she could surf the net.

“Oh, I know Mom will be at home!” she thought. “I’ll just give her a call.”

Michelle was tired after a busy day. As was typical of their evenings, she and Mitch along with their 17 year old were settled in for one of their favorite shows. It was the way they unwound each evening. Something Michelle particularly looked forward to. Sitting in her favorite chair with a cup of cinnamon tea, Michelle was engrossed in the happenings on the screen. Breaking into the silence, the phone rang.

“Mom, do you have to answer it?” Cadie whined. “Why does someone always call when we’re in the middle of a show?”

“Cadie, it will only take a minute. Pause the show, I need to take this.”

“Hello.”

“Hi, Mom! What are you up to?” Annie asked

“Just watching TV with Dad and Cadie.”

“I just called. It is so boring here. No one is in the mall!”

“I’ll bet. It’s really starting to come down out there. Is there something really important that you need? If not, we’ve got about 10 minutes left in our show. Can I call you back then?”

“Sure. Just call me on my cell.”

As the TV program came to an end, Michelle picked up the phone to return Annie’s call.

“Hi, honey. Any more customers?”

“No. These evenings never seem to end. I hate it when I’m here ’til close by myself.”

And the conversation continued…

And continued…

And continued.

Michelle seemed to add little to the conversation. Just saying “un-huh” occasionally seemed to do the trick.

At 8:50, Annie finally looked at the clock. “Oh, it’s almost time to close. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”

As Cadie came down the stairs to get a snack before bed she asked, “Mom, why do you spend so much time with Annie on the phone?”

“Because she is lonely, Cadie. Sometimes it is tough to be her age with life being so drastically different than when she was in school. Friend’s work schedules don’t always line up with hers. If you are like Annie, you live all alone in your apartment. If you have a job like her, sometimes you get a shift all by yourself. On nights like tonight, no one darkens the door of the store because of the weather. This is when I want to be here for her. Yeah, I know it interrupted our TV show for a few minutes. But I made sure she knew that we were busy. I didn’t want to spoil my time with you if she didn’t have something urgent that needed taken care of. That’s why I agreed to call her back. You know, I want to be Annie’s friend now and sometimes friends are just there to listen.”

“Yeah, guess you’re right, Mom. At least I know when it’s my turn, you’ll be there for me.”

Colossians 3:12-14

 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Sometimes our 20-Somethings just need us to be there for them. Whether it is just listening when they need a friend or someone to help them with a problem, sometimes knowing that you will allow them to vocalize their frustrations in a safe place is all they need. When others in your home get interrupted by older siblings, be sure to acknowledge that their time with you is important too.

Dare you to just be there to listen to your 20-somethings, even when it isn’t necessarily convenient for you.

“Let go…and let God”,