What Do You Want Your Kids’ Christmas Memories to be?

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I wrote this blog the first Christmas after my daughter’s death and hope that it is an encouraging reminder of what our role as mom is during this Season.  As you head into the final week of preparation, my prayer is that you will pause long enough to cherish the memories that you are creating and will remember to give lots of hugs.

God bless.

 

This has been a year to reflect on our family Christmas memories. With the death of my daughter this year, the details of Christmas are more pronounced than ever.  The glaring reminders that it is time to celebrate even though I’m not quite in the mood. 

I’ve found that I am over-consciously aware of my surroundings.  The trees are greener, the decorations more detailed, and I have a sense of every Christmas smell.  Yesterday we had an extended family get-together and someone wrote nutmeg as a reminder of the season.  I could almost smell it in a pumpkin pie even though there wasn’t one in the house.  It is as if my senses are on steroids aware of every particular aspect surrounding me– especially the vacuum deep in my soul.  The hollowness of something missing.  Someone is missing.

As the children’s choir stood on stage this year, I saw our daughter as an 8 years old be-bopping to the music.  As I shopped I saw her as a 13 year old spraying all the scents at the perfume counter deciding which was the best.  I remembered when she came home from college one year and we went Christmas shopping on Black Friday.  We could barely carry all the bags to the car because of all the outfits we bought her for under $50 at the Macy’s sale. 

Memories are everywhere I go with all the details.  And I will admit that not all of them are good.  The things I got upset about.  The frustration I showed in my voice.  The things I could have said differently or the hug that I could have extended in a difficult moment.  You see, at the time, the details weren’t so vivid.  They were lost in the commotion of everything else that had to be done.

And if I can convey anything to you as a mom, “Please don’t let everything else around you be more important than the details with your kids.  The table might not be perfect or the pie might be a little burnt.  You might forget to buy the nuts for Uncle Ted’s favorite cranberry sauce.  But-none-of-it-matters.”

The only thing that matters is what they will remember–what you will remember.

  • If we’re tired and worn out, they’ll remember us yelling at them for the umpteenth time. 
  • If we have one more thing to do, they’ll remember that we didn’t have time for them.
  • If everything isn’t perfect and we let them know, they’ll think they never measure up.
  • If impressing our extended family is more important than our kids’ requests, they’ll feel they aren’t as important as others in the room.

We have the power to change all that.  But it takes looking at the details.  It means we have to look in the mirror at us.  What do we want our children to see?  What do we want their detailed memories to be?

Even though our loss is heavy, I choose to see the flip-side.  Now instead of singing on stage as an 8 year old, my daughter is singing with a choir of real angels glorifying our heavenly Father in person.  She has a front row seat to what the season is all about.  She smells the sweet aroma of sacrifice as she’s dressed in white.

The details of all the Christmas hymns seem to have more meaning to me now.  Even though there is a void, I long to hear the words of the carols.  “We hear the Christmas angels, the great glad tidings tell; O come to us, abide with us, our Lord Emmanuel!”

Now that the crazy busyness is over in preparation for the Christmas season, I hope you’ll take some time to reflect on what this season really means to you and what you want for your kids.  Even if your teens and tweens are in a stage where they are tough to love, try to extend grace in the midst of their struggle.  These are times when we need the strength of our heavenly Father.

Someone sent me an email earlier this week and the words have resonated with me all week.  It’s what I want this Christmas season.

I hope your Christmas is filled with silent moments with the King, and love overflowing to family and friends. 

Silent moments with the King!  That’s what I want.  

Now that Christmas is here, I hope you will rest in Him.  May He be your guide and strength during the season.  And may your silent moments with the King reveal the details of His everlasting love.

Luke 2:14

“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”

May His favor rest on you as you create memories this holiday season.  May you find peace in Him today and be sure to find time to carve out silent moments with the King.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Quieting The Christmas Gift Expectations

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We live in a give, give, and give some more culture–especially when it comes to our kids.   I’ll be the first to admit that I lavished gifts onto my kids.  After all, I wanted them to have all the things that I just knew would make them delighted.

And then there were all the activities.  As a mom I did what most of us do, I gave, gave, and gave some more — every opportunity that I thought would expand my kid’s horizons and let them explore their dreams to reach their potential.

But are our kids grateful?  Do they have an attitude of thankfulness?

Sometimes as parents I think our view of parenting is skewed.  We think that if we give more to our kids they will feel loved and will auto-magically (by the way that’s our family’s coined word) be thankful.  In reality, when we don’t teach our kids to understand gratitude, when they become older teens and young adults they sometimes have difficulty learning the harsh realities of life that everything will not magically come to them.

As I think about the holidays and have seen firsthand how expectations over gifts under the tree can throw our kids into depression, I wonder what we are doing to combat the issue in our families.

Have we placed so much emphasis on us giving and our kids receiving that we’ve forgotten how to teach our children to have an attitude of gratitude?  They can’t see the positives because they become so focused on what others have that they don’t.

Does giving too much create a negative pattern of thinking that makes kids feel they deserve everything they want?

I’m not sure we’ll ever fully understand how our kids think; however, researchers have found that the brain can actually be rewired as a result of actively choosing gratitude.  In fact, anxiety and depression are reduced as a result of being thankful.

Imagine that if instead of focusing on what we are giving this holiday season we helped our kids focus on the things for which they can be grateful.  What if we did the same?  Maybe we would all have a rewired brain that focuses on the good.

Here are some ways you might consider helping your kids move to a new way of thinking to change their attitude:

  1. Have each person in the family make a list of five things they are grateful for before they go to bed at night. By doing it at night we are helping our kids focus on the positives as they sleep.  (Hopefully they’ll wake up in a better mood).  Then share those things at the dinner table the next day.
  2. At least once a month have each person go around the table telling why they are thankful for each person at the dinner table.  Most likely it will bring lots of hugs.
  3. Identify a “cause” that your family can focus on during the next several months — cook for a homeless shelter, visit a rehab center bringing small homemade gifts, raise money to buy goats or chickens for an oversees orphanage, adopt a less fortunate family for Christmas, or babysit for a single mom are just a few ways to get the focus off our teens and help them see the difference in what is and what could be.
  4. Actively choose to spend less on presents during the Christmas season and create more opportunities to just be together.  Plan a holiday calendar of one-on-one time between each family member — mom and son date, mom and daughter date, dad and son date, dad and daughter date, as well as brother and sister dates.

Helping our kids discover that they have lots to be thankful for can help our kids become healthier adults with fewer expectations of what the world owes them.  The result will be a better attitude.

1 Timothy 4:4-5

For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is
received with thanksgiving, 
 because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer.
 

Dare you to be intentional during the holiday season teaching your teens the true meaning of generosity and gratitude.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Looking for a way to get Dad more engaged?  Hoping that he will be intentional in connecting with his tweens and teens?  365+ Ways to Love Your Family:  Practical Tips for Dads of Tweens and Teens is a short, easy to read book with practical suggestions that will help dads have impact with their kids.  Even if your husband isn’t one to pick up a book to read, this will spark his interest.  There are over 365 things he can do, in 5 minutes or less, that will let his kids know that they are loved.

Why not put it under the Christmas tree or use it as a stocking stuffer?  It’s a great little reminder to Dad at how important he is in your family.

Christmas Memories

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This has been a year to reflect on our family Christmas memories. With the death of my daughter this year the details of Christmas are more pronounced than ever.  The glaring reminders that it is time to celebrate even though I’m not quite in the mood. 

I’ve found that I am over-consciously aware of my surroundings.  The trees are greener, the decorations more detailed, and I have a sense of every Christmas smell.  Yesterday we had an extended family get-together and someone wrote nutmeg as a reminder of the season.  I could almost smell it in a pumpkin pie even though there wasn’t one in the house.  It is as if my senses are on steroids aware of every particular aspect surrounding me– especially the vacuum deep in my soul.  The hollowness of something missing.  Someone is missing.

As the children’s choir stood on stage this year, I saw our daughter as an 8 years old be-bopping to the music.  As I shopped I saw her as a 13 year old spraying all the scents at the perfume counter deciding which was the best.  I remembered when she came home from college one year and we went Christmas shopping on Black Friday.  We could barely carry all the bags to the car because of all the outfits we bought her for under $50 at the Macy’s sale. 

Memories are everywhere I go with all the details.  And I will admit that not all of them are good.  The things I got upset about.  The frustration I showed in my voice.  The things I could have said differently or the hug that I could have extended in a difficult moment.  You see, at the time, the details weren’t so vivid.  They were lost in the commotion of everything else that had to be done.

And if I can convey anything to you as a mom, “Please don’t let everything else around you be more important than the details with your kids.  The table might not be perfect or the pie might be a little burnt.  You might forget to buy the nuts for Uncle Ted’s favorite cranberry sauce.  But-none-of-it-matters.”

The only thing that matters is what they will remember–what you will remember.

  • If we’re tired and worn out, they’ll remember us yelling at them for the umpteenth time. 
  • If we have one more thing to do, they’ll remember that we didn’t have time for them.
  • If everything isn’t perfect and we let them know, they’ll think they never measure up.
  • If impressing our extended family is more important than our kids’ requests, they’ll feel they aren’t as important as others in the room.

We have the power to change all that.  But it takes looking at the details.  It means we have to look in the mirror at us.  What do we want our children to see?  What do we want their detailed memories to be?

Even though our loss is heavy, I choose to see the flip-side.  Now instead of singing on stage as an 8 year old, my daughter is singing with a choir of real angels glorifying our heavenly Father in person.  She has a front row seat to what the season is all about.  She smells the sweet aroma of sacrifice as she’s dressed in white.

The details of all the Christmas hymns seem to have more meaning to me now.  Even though there is a void, I long to hear the words of the carols.  “We hear the Christmas angels, the great glad tidings tell; O come to us, abide with us, our Lord Emmanuel!”

Now that the crazy busyness is over in preparation for the Christmas season, I hope you’ll take some time to reflect on what this season really means to you and what you want for your kids.  Even if your teens and tweens are in a stage where they are tough to love, try to extend grace in the midst of their struggle.  These are times when we need the strength of our heavenly Father.

Someone sent me an email earlier this week and the words have resonated with me all week.  It’s what I want this Christmas season.

I hope your Christmas is filled with silent moments with the King, and love overflowing to family and friends. 

Silent moments with the King!  That’s what I want.  

Now that Christmas is here, I hope you will rest in Him.  May He be your guide and strength during the season.  And may your silent moments with the King reveal the details of His everlasting love.

Luke 2:14

“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”

May His favor rest on you as you create memories this holiday season.  May you find peace in Him today and be sure to find time to carve out silent moments with the King.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Want to learn how to keep conflict to a minimum with your teens and tweens?  Tired of the mouthiness and fear of what the future may hold for your child?  Maybe you just want a closer relationship and a way to maintain it during the coming years?

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Frantic with Last Minute Christmas Shopping?

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My guess is that even with Christmas less than a week away, many of us are still frantic trying to make sure we get those last minute gifts for our tweens and teens.  If your kids are anything like mine, something seems to happen in our teens’ brains the week before Christmas.  Those synapses that didn’t seem to be fully functioning as the semester came to a close suddenly switch into high gear. Without prompting, it’s as if a whole new Christmas list begins to  emerge.

Just when I think my shopping is done, I sometimes find out that what I’ve already purchased is no longer on the Christmas list.  Things that have never before been mentioned become all they want under the tree.

And we question our purchases and run back out to the store to get the “special” gift.  After all, most of us don’t want our kids to be disappointed on Christmas day.

Last week my son and I were in the car together talking about what he might get his siblings for Christmas.  Of course, the conversation turned to what he was hoping would be under the tree for him.  I listened in disbelief as he told me that all he wanted was two items.  The crazy part for me was that I had no idea those two things were even on his list even though he assured me he had mentioned them several times.

So I do what most parents do.  I debate with myself.  Do I take back an item and replace it with the new wish or do I just add to my Christmas budget rationalizing that Christmas only comes once a year?

And then a Christmas memory surfaces from when my kids were teens.  The latest requested gift was not under the tree.  Some of you might remember the video game Rock Band that was out several years ago.  It came with electronic drums, a guitar, and a microphone.  Yes, there was some disappointment that it wasn’t under the tree, but then something amazing happened.

I think for the first time in history all of my kids agreed on something.  They agreed they needed Rock Band.  Then they devised their own plan.  They pooled their money (not equally, but as each one could afford), and they decided together to purchase the game.  My husband and I had no part in the discussion.  They worked it all out on their own and they had the most awesome Christmas break ever!  They took turns playing guitar, drums, or doing vocals and they laughed like I’d never seen before.

It made me realize what we would have missed if we had put the game under the tree.

Almost a decade later, if we talk about Christmas memories, that one is the first to surface.  They learned some valuable lessons that year.  

  • They learned that Mom and Dad are not always going to supply every want under the tree.
  • They learned to deal with disappointment on Christmas day.
  • They learned problem solving and negotiation skills.

And most of all–they created an awesome memory that will be remembered for a lifetime.

We all know that Christmas is not about the gifts–but is that how we parent?  Are we more focused on giving our kids exactly what they want at that moment in time or are we focused on the memories that will remain even after the gift has lost its appeal?

Many of you have probably seen the IKEA video that went viral on Facebook.  While the kids in the video are certainly younger than  tweens and teens, I’m guessing that in reality if that experiment was done with our kids, we’d see similar results.  

Dare you to contemplate what memories you want your kids to have on Christmas morning or throughout the holiday season and decide if the frantic trip to the mall might be sending the wrong message.

Enjoy the holidays with your family and friends!

“Let go…and let God”,

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Hijacked Holidays

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Right now I’m wondering if it is too late to purchase those cruise tickets for the holidays!

After the hustle and bustle of shopping, wrapping, trimming the tree, and listening to the last minute “Oh, by the way, Mom, I forgot to tell you I am really hoping you got me ____________ for Christmas!” Along with trying for the fifth time to get all my twenty-somethings in the same place at the same time for Christmas dinner, Christmas Eve dinner, or any day the last week of December…

I’ve given up this year!!!

That cruise is sounding better by the minute.
I feel kind of like the bride who at the last week before her wedding is ready to elope!

Several years ago the movie, Christmas with the Kranks, based on the book Skipping Christmas, by John Grisham, kept me laughing through the Christmas season. My oldest, just then a senior in high school, was several years away from making his own decisions about going elsewhere for Christmas. Oh, sure, there was the going back and forth between our house and his girlfriend’s at the time, but then it was easy to work through timing of Christmas day. After all, teenage boys are ready to eat as many meals as possible in one day and still have room for extra dessert!

I remember watching the movie and reading the book, which catapulted me into the Christmas spirit, without having any idea of the emotion behind the laughter. The book was humorous…the movie borderline ridiculous…so I thought!

As I sit here contemplating this Christmas season, I now understand the desire to create joy for the holidays! Fun, festive, and lively would keep my emotions at bay. Something like a cruise could get me focused on something different other than my reality. I’m wrapped up in wanting Christmas to be a family affair, traditions that we’ve always had, everyone in the same place at the same time, and, of course, wanting the “significant other” that they’ve chosen to spend the holiday with to be someone worthy of giving up our family Christmas for.

I’m ready to do anything to lift my spirits from the realization that no matter what I want for the holidays…I am not in control! I will not get what I want!!

Even though it is difficult, I’m choosing to respect my twenty-somethings’ wishes. I’m choosing not to guilt them into doing things the way I would prefer…all in one place at the same time. I’m giving them choice to be here or not on their terms. For the first year in more than a decade since my first started dating, I’ve set a time to open presents as a family and they can choose whether they are going to be part of the festivities.

I’m realizing that there comes a point where traditions need to be flexible and change will occur. I’m choosing to embrace the change this year without whining to those that are pulling away. I’m promising myself to keep my tongue in check…

Ephesians 4:29

 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

My twenty-somethings need to spread their wings. They need to learn to make difficult choices without the guilt. And the truth is…

I need to let go!

It is time for my husband and I to keep the traditions our children will allow us to maintain and create new ones that will help us remember the true meaning of Christmas.

Isaiah 9:6

For unto us a Child is born, Unto us a Son is given…

This holiday season, God is transitioning my thinking! In the past, Christmas has always centered around our children, teaching them about the Christ child, showing them the love that He has shared with us. He’s showing me that here…our work is coming to completion.

This year, God has given us friends to minister with in the moving of our kids into their own adulthood. We’re two families at the same stage of life…transitioning to show others the love that Christ has shared with us. We are actively choosing to spend the day with families who are less fortunate serving a Christmas meal. He’s teaching me to extend that love out into the world, by giving of myself.

Yes, the cruise sounds like fun…and I certainly wish we could maintain the tradition of family Christmas together…but I’m choosing to find the joy in this phase of life change.

Dare you to find the joy this Christmas season.

Double dare you to join us in sharing it outside of family.

Learning to let go in a big way this holiday season.

“Let go…and let God.”

Debbie