What’s Beneath the Surface?

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Hair seems to be the topic of conversation this week.  Regardless of who I’m talking with, someone makes a hair comment or tells their funny, ridiculous story.

Why is it that we get so emotional about hair?  And what is really going on beneath the surface? (pun intended. 🙂 )

Early in the week a friend asked me where I got my hair cut.  I was sporting a new sassy hairstyle — she obviously liked it and started talking about her own hair and how drab it made her feel.  Hmm…

Observation:  We “feel” passionate about our hair.  Hair gives us an “identity”.

Hope you will stay with me here, because this really has a point in the parenting realm.

The next day I was sitting with two women doing a video conference.  The first thing we all did as we saw our reflection in the camera monitor was fix our hair.  And, I’ll admit, look side-to-side to make sure the other person didn’t outdo us.  I’ll even go as far as admitting that the small voice inside me was going “I wish I could have hair like hers”.

Observation:  Yes, “vanity” is within all of us.  We want to “look” and “live up to” whatever we’ve defined as the best.

Now let’s translate this to our teens.  After all, in a lot of ways they are no different from us.  The want to “look” their best as they have defined it.  The want to “live up to” their definition of being accepted.  They “feel” passionate about defining who they are and they’ll use hair to do it.  Call it “vanity” or pride or self-discovery — yet it is part of determining who they are as they mature into adulthood.

And all those things are also true of us when it comes to our kids.  We think that how our kids “look” defines us.  We want them to “live up to” our definition of acceptance.  And we “feel” passionate about our definition of who we want our kids to be — and it includes their looks — their hair.

Graduation pictures are coming up soon for a lot of seniors and I’m hearing the stories: 

  • She wants pink hair!  What can I do?
  • There is no way I’m letting him get a Mohawk!  
  • It’s jet black and he looks like a thug.  His friends don’t want to hang out with him anymore.  I’m embarrassed to be seen with him.

And I’ll say it again. 

“What’s beneath the surface?”

What is going on with your teen relation-ally? 

What are they feeling? 

Why is the hair so important to them?

Why is their hair so important to you?

My guess is–it’s not about the hair at all.  

Could it be that it is about vanity and pride within us?  Ouch!

I pulled out my high school yearbook a few years ago.  After the dust cleared I looked at the senior pictures.  What did our family laugh about?

The hairstyles!

And as I look through the mounds of pictures that I’ve been sorting to put into albums, the ones that get chosen are the ones that define my kids at one point in time.

  • My son with the gross orange blond hair as he stood by his friend in the Florida sunshine.
  • My son with the huge fro because the entire drum line decided to grow their hair out.  He was the only one whose band hat would no longer sit appropriately on his head.
  • My daughter with curls that couldn’t be tamed all because everyone was sporting a perm.
  • My son the skinhead because that’s what swimmers do.

My suggestion to moms is simple, “don’t worry about the hair”.  The hair can be changed tomorrow.

Instead, focus on what is underneath the surface — the feelings, insecurities, and the wanting to fit in.  Build the relationship over the conflict.  Validate the emotion and sit in their space connecting over what is important to them — not you.

And 10, 25, and even 30 years from now as you look back over those senior pictures, you’ll have a story to tell about that one point in time…

Where it was all about the hair.

And if you’ve focused on what is beneath the surface, you’ll laugh about it together.

Colossians 3:2 

Keep your mind on things above, not on worldly things.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

 

 

 

 

50 Things I Learned From Raising a Challenging Child

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Emerging into the world our daughter arrived six minutes after I had waddled through the emergency entrance at the hospital doors.  Our family joke was that she was the creator of drama and the day of her birth was the beginning.  She had orderlies, nurses, and doctors frantically hustling for her grand entrance while my husband, Dave, was still parking the car.  We knew that she was special arriving on the infamous 8-8-88 and weighing in at two ounces shy of 8 lbs. 8 oz.

That was the day I came to a whole new appreciation in knowing that God is good.  It just so happened that Dave was supposed to make a four hour drive to Cleveland that morning for a mandatory work event that would have kept him out of town for three days.  Our daughter arrived just shortly after 6 am; my husband was supposed to leave on the trip by 6:30 am.  Indeed, God is very good.

By the time she was three and attending preschool two mornings a week, I had begun to realize that she was indeed a very special child.  One morning I had just dropped her off at her classroom door and was standing in the hallway talking with another mother when the teacher had the children line up single-file to go to the big room for games.  I hid behind a half-open door so my daughter wouldn’t see me.  I watched intently as I saw her tap the little girl ahead of her on the shoulder. She then began to whisper something in the girl’s ear indicating that she was supposed to be in line in front of her.  Sure enough, my daughter got in front, stood still for a moment, and proceeded to tap the little boy in front of her and move into the line in front of him.  As I watched this happen over and over, I knew this child was destined for greatness.  Each child she had tapped and spoken to seemed  oblivious to what had just happened.  She was grinning from ear to ear as she led her classmates down the hall.

By middle school, I saw the beauty and talent this child had within her.  She not only had a stage presence and a beautiful voice, but she had such a tender heart for others.  It was common for mothers whose children were a couple of years younger to call me up to see if our daughter would come play with their kids.  Every time I would hear something like “She is so creative.  When she comes to play my kids don’t get bored.  She is really patient and makes sure to include everyone.”

She also loved to be in the kitchen baking something sweet.  One Sunday morning the youth pastor was telling a story from the pulpit about how no one in his family liked pumpkin pie so he didn’t get a piece for Thanksgiving that year.  When my daughter heard the story, compassion welled up within her.  The next Saturday she spent the day making him his own personal pumpkin pie to surprise him with the next day.

The difficult piece of this seemingly wonderful child was a dark side that we never quite understood.  Given a simple “no” over something seemingly minor became reason for a fit of anger or defiance.  A quiet family afternoon at home could quickly spiral into a “you never” or “you can’t make me”.  Jealousy over things only God can control turned into, “I should have been the first-born. I need a sister.  I wish she was my mother!”  And the list went on.  

At 16 it seemed as if the heat turned up making things even darker.  Phone calls from teachers and other parents became a very real part of my life making me want to crawl into a hole and never come out.  I was trying desperately to find ways of helping this poor child that seemed destined for self-destruction.  Our family felt helpless in reaching her.  Counseling sessions were going nowhere so I did the only thing I knew to do.

I let go.

She moved out of our home at 18 and the path she chose seemed even more vile.  We kept in contact on a regular basis, but her antics kept our family in constant wonder of how to handle each new difficult situation.  We tried a reset of her life a few times, but the efforts would revert to a similar lifestyle breaking our hearts.

As I continued to maintain contact with our daughter, I employed new skills I was learning in an attempt to rebuild our relationship.  It was working.  She seemed more open, wanted to spend more time with me, was able to accept our family’s boundaries, and was beginning to reciprocate when it came to relationship.  She told my husband that I was her best friend.  

I thanked God for his goodness.  

But even through this glimmer of hope which included coming back to our home for a week, the choices she made were deadly.  Our daughter passed away May 30, 2017.  

I am convinced that even though we may not be able to save our children from destructive lifestyles, He uses it for good.  After all, God is good.  God is very good.

Because of my daughter I am changed.

Because of my daughter I know that God is my strength in times of need.

Because of my daughter I have learned to let Him be in control.

 

50 Things I Learned From Raising a Challenging Child

  1. Maybe God gives us these kids to change us.
  2. We may think there are only two sides to a coin, but really there are three. These kids see the rim on the circumference and make us think outside the box.
  3. I am not in control.  Let me repeat, I am not in control.
  4. There is always a different choice that I usually don’t see—this child does see it.
  5. These kids live life to the fullest in a very short period of time. We have to seize some of those moments to be in their world.
  6. These kids teach us to listen, listen, and listen more. As parents, maybe we should try talking less and listening one more time.
  7. These kids teach us that taking risks is part of life, and it shows we have guardian angels watching over us.
  8. These kids teach us to retract our words through apology over and over. They teach us that sometimes apologizing is more important than being right.
  9. These kids teach us to pause before we speak. We learn to gauge our words by their potential outburst response.
  10. These kids teach us to be consistent. One slip of letting them get by with something proves that they can change our mind.
  11. They teach us to learn who we are talking to. Is it our child or a voice from our past?
  12. Things we learned as a truth from childhood may actually be a lie; seek to find real truth.
  13. Friend’s “advice” shouldn’t drive our actions when it comes to parenting. We really need to listen for God’s guidance.
  14. It’s easy to give the impression that if you give me the right behavior that you will get my love. Work hard on unconditional love.
  15. Tension should be resolved quickly; don’t let it linger.
  16. We need to become masters at reading our child’s unspoken words. These are an indicator of what is truly below the surface.
  17. We need to do everything in our power to make sure there are more positive interactions than negative so they can feel our love.
  18. As moms, we need to make sure we have plenty of rest. Pushing ourselves to be supermom gives us less ability to respond with love and patience.
  19. These kids will push us to the end of our rope sometimes. Practicing non-emotional responses ahead of time will give us the skills to react calmly in the heat of the battle.
  20. My child taught me that every person has value and I need to show kindness to all. Inviting their friends in gives me opportunity to speak His truth to those who surround her.
  21. Beware of judgment. We are all on a journey; some are just farther along than others.
  22. It is important to break out of our place of comfort to enter their world at times even when it is a little scary and doesn’t make sense to us.
  23. Boundaries are important in the parent/child relationship as they keep us emotionally healthy. Mom and Dad need to be on the same team in setting them.
  24. Enabling our child to do less than what should be their responsibility stifles their maturity even if done in love.
  25. We cannot make our child’s life better for them. We need to teach them to own their own future.
  26. Letting go of one child sometimes means saving your other children.
  27. Rebuilding severed relationship can be done. Never stop trying, and be aware of the other person’s capacity to reciprocate at various stages of the rebuilding process.
  28. Make sure that the amount of energy poured into your challenging child doesn’t suck the life out of you so that you can’t be there for your other children.
  29. Behavior doesn’t necessarily define the whole person. It is only one slice of the pie.
  30. Children become the average of the five people with whom they surround themselves. Teach them to choose friendships wisely.
  31. Laugh often even when you want to cry. Laughter releases endorphins that will make you feel better in the midst of the pain.
  32. Our kids make choices that sometimes lead to destruction. We have to remember that they are their choices and the outcome is between them and God. 
  33. As parents we need to own what is ours to own and not accept blame for every mistake our child makes.
  34. None of us are perfect parents and neither do we have perfect kids. If our kid self-destructs it is not automatically our fault.
  35. Our child’s heart might pull them into a destructive lifestyle. We can warn them, but we can’t control the situation.
  36. “I always thought that I’d see you again” can be a stinging lyric that fits unspoken conversations that you should have had. Initiate those conversations often.
  37. We need to teach our kids that relationships are transactional. There needs to be give and take on both sides.
  38. It’s easy to start thinking of these kids as a bother because they know how to press our buttons. Find ways to engage for short periods of time about non-emotional issues so that the mending of the relationship can begin.
  39. Offering empathy and validation for your child’s feelings means more than telling them your perspective on the issue.
  40. Keeping the pain and frustration to yourself makes you an island. Reach out and find a “safe” person who has been through a similar struggle to lighten your load.
  41. When you feel like there is no hope, pray. Starting with Amen or “so be it” shows that you accept that God is ultimately in control.
  42. When consequences for actions fail, push the reset button and work out a better solution.
  43. If emotions are high, take deep breaths and slow the conversation so that your brain has enough oxygen to speak with respect.
  44. Give your child the benefit of the doubt even when the likelihood is that they were in the wrong. Allow them time to tell their side of the story.
  45. When parents, teachers, and other authority figures call you to tell you “that awful thing your kid did”, listen, thank them for calling, and pause before dealing with your child on the issue. Listen to your child while asking open-ended questions about the incident.  Whatever you do, avoid any knee-jerk reaction.
  46. Stand firm in what is right and what is wrong so your child will always know where you stand on a given issue. Silence can be interpreted as implicit acceptance.
  47. When our kids make choices we don’t feel are good for them, rather than say “I told you so” talk through what could have been a better option.
  48. Be grateful for the positive aspects of your child’s personality. Find the good in them and encourage them again and again.
  49. Become a “safe” person for your child to talk to—no condemnation, no advice without their permission, and lots of listening with validation.
  50. Be your child’s #1 cheerleader when you have opportunity to do so and give lots of hugs.

Because of my daughter I have learned to “Let go…and Let God,”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Kid is Struggling and I Don’t Know What to do

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As a parent of four I felt like at any given point in time one of my kids was  struggling.  School work, peers, an emotional breakup, a teacher that didn’t seem to like them, or even just being in a sour mood where nothing was the way they thought it should be wreaked havoc in our home.  Then there was the “I want” when my husband and I didn’t feel the request was in the budget or a good idea; and the “you never” or “you always” spoken in a fit of anger that made me feel like a terrible parent.

Even if we’ve been a really good parent and the lines of communication are typically open, the frustration our kids are experiencing will  spill out onto us.

And what do we want to do?  Fix it, of course.

And a lot of us, especially moms, pick up the stress.  After all, we don’t want our kids to hurt.  We don’t want them to have to experience life’s hardships.  We want them to sail through life with success.

But do we?

Think about it.  If our kids are struggling while they are living under our roof and they are dumping their emotional buckets on us, then we have been chosen (by them) to be a safe place.  They know we love them and will be there for them.  Some kids just need to vent.

The good news is that we are in a position to help them learn to deal with stress.  We can impart our coping skills (if we’ve learned them ourselves) and coach them through ways to reduce the stress and look at their life circumstance from a different perspective.  We can be there to give them a hug, a life story where we learned something similar, and show them that they will survive.

The question is, as a parent, will we survive?  After all, they’ve just spewed all over us.  They’re crying.  Or screaming.  Or saying things that are not on the list of vocabulary words that are allowed in our house.

And we have to make a choice.

How are we going to handle the load they just dumped on us?  How do we handle the emotion that wells up in us?  How do we shut down the fears that rear their ugly head as we look at this situation in light of our kid’s future?

Several years ago I had a friend who was really struggling with her daughter as was I with mine.  We’d usually walk and pound out our frustrations on the pavement as we poured out our disbelief at where our daughters were in the choices they were making.  Tears would stream down both our faces and then one of us would say something to ease the tension that would make us both laugh.  It was healing for both of us.

Thinking back to that friendship and the process we both went through as we carried the struggles of our teens, I discovered that as parents we need some coping mechanisms ourselves and a plan to help our kids move forward.  It is through these times of stress for our kids that we can actually make the relationship with our kids stronger if we think about the situation with a perspective of opportunity rather than something to fix.

So what can you do?

  1. Don’t react in the moment.  This is easier said than done.  When our kids are worked up and dump whatever it is on us, our tendency will be to respond in a similar manner.  Better communication will take place when emotions are calm. 
  2. Just breathe.  The best way to reduce our stress is to do some deep breathing.  Slowly inhale in, hold it, and slowly let it out.  Take note of your surroundings and just be in the moment of breathing.
  3. Take inventory.  Observe what you are feeling and why.  
  4. Normalize the feelings.  “Of course I feel stressed.  My teen’s anger and stress was just dumped on me. It is understandable that I am hurting with them.”
  5. Own what is yours to own.  This is really difficult for some of us.  Recognizing that this is our teen’s struggle without making it our own can be an emotional tightrope.  “This is their struggle.  I am here to help  walk through it with them, not to make it my problem.  My role is not to carry their hurt but to help them work through the situation and their emotion.”
  6. Pray.  This is where we ask God to help us take away our own overwhelming emotion and not give way to our fears.  We should also ask Him what your child needs in this circumstance.
  7. Interact with your child after their emotions have calmed.  Assure them that their emotions are normal, share a story of when you’ve encountered a similar circumstance and how you handled it.  Let them know if it went well or poorly.  Then brainstorm options letting them make suggestions on how they might handle the thing with which they are struggling.  And be sure to ask permission to share any suggestions you might have to offer.
  8. Give them a hug.  All of our kids have a particular way in which they receive love.  This is an opportunity to fill their emotional tank since stress will deplete it.  Do they need affection?  Encouragement?  Acceptance in knowing you were a safe place to dump their emotional bucket?  An appropriate funny story?  Or maybe just time to do something fun together?  Whatever your teen needs in the moment will help solidify your relationship.

John 16:33

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Joshua 1:9

  “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

 

 

Struggling With A Teen Making Poor Choices?

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Excusing herself from a Saturday morning brunch, Erin pretended a headache and left in a hurry. As she got to her car she found herself shaking so much that she was having trouble finding the right key to open the car door. Gasping for air and holding back tears, she finally found the right one and quickly unlocked the door. Safe inside the driver’s seat, she let the floodgates of despair roll down her cheeks. “These are supposed to be my friends. How can they be so cruel? Lord, where are you? What am I doing wrong?”

Needing to get away from the pain, Erin quickly exited the church parking wanting a place of solitude. Trying to think of a place where she could be alone, she steered the car onto the interstate thinking of the park a few miles away–a place to walk and pull her emotions back in check before she returned home.

Seeing the beautiful trees in bloom and the little bridge across the stream gave her a sense of calm. “I know you are here, Lord. I just need to see you and feel your presence.”

She grabbed a stack of tissues and stuffed them into her jacket pocket before she grabbed her old gym shoes from the trunk. She knew she needed better support for walking with the ground damp from yesterday’s rain. She chuckled a little at the thought that she would be adding to the dampness when her tears really started flowing.

Walking down the hill to a place where she could be alone, she found a bench overlooking the fork of the river. She allowed herself to sit and think through the conversation of the morning.

There were six of them at the table. All of them had been friends for years. They had several kids similar in age and had shared many times the antics of growing up. They had laughed about the mistakes their children had made through the years and had rejoiced together at each one’s accomplishments. But now things were different. The stakes were higher.

It all started out innocently. Barb had mentioned her daughter’s scholarship. Sharon had mentioned that her son Cory had barely missed the ACT score he was hoping for. There was banter of summer jobs the kids had acquired. After lots of laughter and catching up, the dreaded question came. “So Erin, how is Dan doing?”

“Not too much has changed. He still isn’t making the choices Sam and I would like.”

“What’s going on now?”

Erin cautiously began sharing a little bit of their latest saga with their 17 year old. All Erin remembered then was the barrage of advice. “If he were my son, then I’d  ____________.”

“I can’t believe you haven’t tried _____________.”

And then the problem solving party began. It wasn’t so much that she minded their desire to help. She knew that each of them really did want the best for all their kids. Lord only knew that she would do anything for the right advice.

She would do anything to change the situation with her son.

The problem was the invalidating way they went about it. By the time she left, she felt as if each of them was the best mother in the world and she was ‘stupid’ for not getting it right with her son.

She had overheard Margo whisper to Jan, “If she would just take our advice, she wouldn’t be in this mess.”

That’s when Erin fled the scene. How dare they judge her and pin Dan’s behavior on her.

Here she was in a group of women that had always been the best of friends, but when her teen was making poor choices, she felt their disrespect of her situation loud and clear.

“Lord, help me to cling to truth in this situation. If I truly am the source of the reason Dan is making these choices, then show me the way. Give me the tools and the wisdom to know how to respond in each situation with him.”

As the tears flowed, she continued.

“I know your word is true.”

John 16:33

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

James 1:12

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

“Lord, I know that I am not in control of the trials I will endure here on this earth. Lord, this situation with Dan is so difficult. Help me to see truth; Your truth. If I am the source of his behavior, then make it clear to me.

With each tear that fell, peace flooded her soul.

And then Erin felt a prompting that surprised her. “The closeness of your friendships is not healthy for you right now. Put boundaries around your heart through this trial. You need someone walking beside you who has been down this path; someone who is safe to talk with. You need someone who will respect you for who you are and will affirm you in this situation. There are women who have experienced your pain. They will know what you need.”

“Lord, help me find the person to walk beside me. I need them and I need you.”

Other moms don’t always understand when we’re in the middle of difficult waters with our kids.  Friendships that were once anchors in our life have the potential to pull us under and become toxic to our ability to see truth.  

Dare you to find women who have walked through similar fires and are on the other side.  How did they navigate the trials?  What worked and what didn’t?  And how did they survive the storm?  Surrounding yourself with moms who can relate to your life circumstances can be a healing salve in an otherwise harsh world.  Take care of yourself and surround yourself with women who will give you empathy and grace.  

“Let go…and let God,”

6 Things I Learned from an Embarrassing Kid Moment

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Have you ever wished you were invisible because your tween or teen did something that embarrassed you?  Trust me when I say that I’ve been there on more than one occasion.  With four teens under my roof at one time, there was plenty of opportunity for me to encounter situations where my teens didn’t use their best judgment.

I remember one time when my daughter was in junior high.   She got into our minivan wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants as we headed to a home school skating party.  The dress code for these events tended to be fairly conservative and I remember thinking at the time that she would probably get hot in the rink since it was unseasonably warm.  And wouldn’t you know it, halfway through the two-hour skate time, I overheard a couple of moms asking who that girl was out on the skate floor. 

The talk continued about how they couldn’t believe a mother would ‘let her child out of the house like that’ when someone came over to me and said, “Isn’t that your daughter?”

Sure enough my daughter was skating with a boy in short shorts and a spaghetti strap top that barely covered her blossoming figure.  I was embarrassed beyond belief.

If only I could have been swallowed up by the floor at that moment.

You see, I’m a rule follower.  Rule followers feel like they are being accosted when someone points out something that their kids are doing wrong.  And like those other moms said, “How could a mother let her child out of the house wearing that?”

In that moment, as a mom, I didn’t feel safe.  I felt like a terrible parent.  I just knew that others were blaming me for my child’s choices.

I believed the lie that if my children weren’t being obedient and following the rules, then I must be a failure as a parent.

Looking back on that scenario, thankfully, I can laugh about it now.  Kids will do the darnedest things. 

So what have I learned from that story?

  1. My children will make decisions over which I have no control.  I can either take them personally, as if I should be in control, or I can use the opportunity to teach my kids appropriate behavior so they learn from their mistakes.  The question is whether I address them from a place of humiliation (which breeds anger) or a place of grace.
  2. Society as a whole tends to judge our actions as parents when our kids make wrong decisions.  Instead of parenting from a position of ‘you have embarrassed me’, I choose to parent from a place of humility.  After all, I’ve made wrong choices in my lifetime as well.
  3. I need to surround myself with “safe” women.  That means finding other moms where I can be real and not have to pretend that I’m perfect because the other moms do the same.
  4. I can choose compassion when I see other moms struggling with wayward teens.  If I go out of my way to bring a word of hope and encouragement to these moms, maybe one day when she looks back she can laugh at the choices her child has made.
  5. God uses our children to refine us and sometimes we have to decide if we will listen to His voice, our own voice, or the voices of those around us.
  6. The choices our children make are not about us.  These moments are about Him.  Will I represent Him well in front of my teen?

John 16:33

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Dare you to go out of your way to encourage the mom of a tween or teen who is making poor choices.  Pray for her and her family situation.  Be that “safe” person who offers compassion to her sometimes dark and fear-filled world.  As a friend once said, “If you do, you’ll be Jesus with skin on to her.”

“Let go…and Let God”,

If you are a mom who needs support as your parent, we have an opportunity for you.  Find a group of “safe” moms and go through With All Due Respect together.  It’s a place where you will find encouragement and hope as you parent through the trials.