Are You Trying to Control Your Teen with Anger?

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Anger is an emotion that most of us have to deal with from time to time especially when our tweens and teens push our hot buttons.  Typically when this happens our real desire is to just make the situation go away. “Why did you do that?  How dare you speak to me that way!  You are so in trouble, young man”, are all retorts to get out kid’s attention in the moment.

When our emotions are out of control our voice will escalate and a scowl will become our facial expression to let our teen know that they’ve crossed a line.  In reality, the stance sometimes with hands on hips tells our teen we mean business.  It is actually our attempt to control the situation we find ourselves in.

These type of responses are in essence a way of self-protection hoping to fix the problem that’s been thrust upon us.  The truth is that some type of fear or feeling of not being in control has been triggered. 

But the important question is “what message are we sending to our teens”?

When we get angry we are communicating to our teen that the problem or issue is more important than our relationship.

Ouch!

Many times our anger becomes a rant where our teens stop listening and begin planning their counter attack.  If we escalate often, we’ve most likely lost them as soon as we raise our voice.  Now the situation is about us and not them.  

Anger is a natural response when we feel our teens are pushing the limits outside of our desires, but it isn’t the anger that is the problem as much as our lack of control of the anger. 

Feelings are a natural God-given way to self-preserve.  But do we exercise them in a way that puts our desires or need to control before the relationship?

Here’s what I mean by that.  Perhaps the next time you find yourself yelling at your teen, try this.

Let’s assume Ralph has really upset you and you catch yourself yelling at him or maybe he says something like “Mom, you don’t have to get so upset.”

  1. Pause.  Whisper a quick prayer–maybe just the words “help me, Lord”.
  2. Say something like “I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t be yelling at you like this. “
  3. Then in a calm controlled voice say “As you can tell, I’m really angry about this, but our relationship is more important.  Let me start over.”
  4. Begin again in a calmer voice without blame and accusation.  Something like “I noticed you didn’t ___________, and I’m sure you have a good explanation (giving them the benefit of the doubt).  I’d like you to help me understand.”

James 1:20

because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

All of us have different levels of  maturity in our ability to control our emotions.  How we interact and respond to our kids is not only ingrained in us but has the potential to become part of who they are. It not only becomes ingrained in them but  is seen as acceptable behavior as they interact with others.

I had a Christian mom who used to come to me after an altercation with her kids and laugh as she told me how she had “yelled” at her kids for something they did.  There was no remorse on her part because she saw it as a normal parenting response.  How sad.

If we want relationship with our kids in the future, we need to become more aware of our own parenting behaviors that are triggered by fear.  

Dare you to let you tweens and teens know that you recognize this wrong behavior in your life and ask them to hold you accountable.  Maybe they can give you a signal when they see your emotions starting to escalate.  By doing so, you’ll forge a relationship that says we’re on the same team and anger won’t be controlling your home.

“Let go…and let God”,

Most of us have never paused long enough in our parenting to assess how we’re really doing.  We’re busy reacting to the hustle and bustle that comes with the tween and teen years rather than looking at the legacy we want to have continue for generations to come.   Working through With All Due Respect will give you perspective on where you are in the journey.  

Why not grab a few friends and go through the book together?  

What’s Beneath the Surface?

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Hair seems to be the topic of conversation this week.  Regardless of who I’m talking with, someone makes a hair comment or tells their funny, ridiculous story.

Why is it that we get so emotional about hair?  And what is really going on beneath the surface? (pun intended. 🙂 )

Early in the week a friend asked me where I got my hair cut.  I was sporting a new sassy hairstyle — she obviously liked it and started talking about her own hair and how drab it made her feel.  Hmm…

Observation:  We “feel” passionate about our hair.  Hair gives us an “identity”.

Hope you will stay with me here, because this really has a point in the parenting realm.

The next day I was sitting with two women doing a video conference.  The first thing we all did as we saw our reflection in the camera monitor was fix our hair.  And, I’ll admit, look side-to-side to make sure the other person didn’t outdo us.  I’ll even go as far as admitting that the small voice inside me was going “I wish I could have hair like hers”.

Observation:  Yes, “vanity” is within all of us.  We want to “look” and “live up to” whatever we’ve defined as the best.

Now let’s translate this to our teens.  After all, in a lot of ways they are no different from us.  The want to “look” their best as they have defined it.  The want to “live up to” their definition of being accepted.  They “feel” passionate about defining who they are and they’ll use hair to do it.  Call it “vanity” or pride or self-discovery — yet it is part of determining who they are as they mature into adulthood.

And all those things are also true of us when it comes to our kids.  We think that how our kids “look” defines us.  We want them to “live up to” our definition of acceptance.  And we “feel” passionate about our definition of who we want our kids to be — and it includes their looks — their hair.

Graduation pictures are coming up soon for a lot of seniors and I’m hearing the stories: 

  • She wants pink hair!  What can I do?
  • There is no way I’m letting him get a Mohawk!  
  • It’s jet black and he looks like a thug.  His friends don’t want to hang out with him anymore.  I’m embarrassed to be seen with him.

And I’ll say it again. 

“What’s beneath the surface?”

What is going on with your teen relation-ally? 

What are they feeling? 

Why is the hair so important to them?

Why is their hair so important to you?

My guess is–it’s not about the hair at all.  

Could it be that it is about vanity and pride within us?  Ouch!

I pulled out my high school yearbook a few years ago.  After the dust cleared I looked at the senior pictures.  What did our family laugh about?

The hairstyles!

And as I look through the mounds of pictures that I’ve been sorting to put into albums, the ones that get chosen are the ones that define my kids at one point in time.

  • My son with the gross orange blond hair as he stood by his friend in the Florida sunshine.
  • My son with the huge fro because the entire drum line decided to grow their hair out.  He was the only one whose band hat would no longer sit appropriately on his head.
  • My daughter with curls that couldn’t be tamed all because everyone was sporting a perm.
  • My son the skinhead because that’s what swimmers do.

My suggestion to moms is simple, “don’t worry about the hair”.  The hair can be changed tomorrow.

Instead, focus on what is underneath the surface — the feelings, insecurities, and the wanting to fit in.  Build the relationship over the conflict.  Validate the emotion and sit in their space connecting over what is important to them — not you.

And 10, 25, and even 30 years from now as you look back over those senior pictures, you’ll have a story to tell about that one point in time…

Where it was all about the hair.

And if you’ve focused on what is beneath the surface, you’ll laugh about it together.

Colossians 3:2 

Keep your mind on things above, not on worldly things.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

 

 

 

 

Tired of the Shouting Match?

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Getting to the bottom of our emotional reactions to our kids can be difficult.  The heat of the moment can cause us to do things we said we would never do. And it has taken me a long time to understand these reactions even in myself.  Years, in fact.  If I’m feeling something going on inside of me, my tendency now is to get to the bottom of it and understand why I feel the way I feel.  And then make amends with my kids if I’ve responded in an unhealthy way.  I’ve learned that rather than listening to my feelings, I need to put my prefrontal cortex (thinking brain) in charge.  I’m finding that I’m better at it now — well at least most of the time.

But at times I’ll admit that anger, frustration, or fear will well up within me and I have to fight it back.  It’s a skill.  It is an awareness.

And it doesn’t typically come naturally to any of us unless we’ve seen it modeled.

That’s what puts many of us as parents at a deficit as to what to do with our emotion and what to do with our kids’ emotions.  Typically it becomes a standoff.  We tend to match our child’s emotional level trying to get them to “hear” us.  The next step becomes the escalating shouting match.

It doesn’t work.

And it hurts the relationship.

Parents from my generation usually didn’t give much thought to how a child felt in the moment.  I’m guessing most of us have heard the proverbial “sit down and shut up” or “will you just be quiet” or “stop crying”.  Maybe we’ve even said it to our kids when we’re exhausted and don’t think we can take the whine another minute.   Yes, our child might calm down in the moment, but we’re setting them up for future emotional outbursts.

The goal of helping us and our kids become more aware of our independent feelings is so that we lessen their sometimes destructive hold on us.  There is  a case study conducted by a UCLA professor that showed that awareness and naming our feelings lightens the emotion and actually makes us happier.

Who doesn’t want happy kids?

What I’ve discovered through working with moms is that sitting in the emotional ‘spin’ of our child actually helps contain them.  What I mean by that is that by validating that it is okay for our child to feel the way they feel helps them accept themselves and love themselves in the moment despite how they feel.  It doesn’t matter that what they did was hurtful or disrespectful or uncalled for.  It doesn’t matter that they aren’t handling themselves in a mature fashion.  What matters is that they know that in the moment when they feel out of control, that they are loved and everything will be okay.  

When we validate our child we’re communicating that they are valued and precious even in the moment they are in.   It says that we love them even when they are spewing all over everyone else.  A hug, looking them in the eye, and sitting with them holding their hand and offering tissues helps them know that someone is there to help them deal with the pain of the situation even when it might seem totally uncalled for to us.

Their feelings are their feelings.  Our job is to just be there for them in their moment.

Let’s say your 14 year old comes in after school, slams the back door, fails to take his muddy shoes off as he walks across the carpet.  When you ask him what is wrong, he shouts, “I hate you”, and then proceeds to slam his bedroom door breaking the hinge in the process.

Most of us tend to focus on all the things our kid did wrong:

  1. Slamming the back door.
  2. Wearing his muddy shoes on the carpet.
  3. Shouting “I hate you” which hurts us deeply.
  4. Breaking the door.

We focus on what happened rather than what our child is feeling.

When we put the emphasis on what was done wrong, we fail to get to the root of our teen’s feelings–the heart of the issue.  When we react in a harsh way, “How dare you speak to me like that” or “You are going to have to pay to repair this door” or “Come clean up this carpet right now”, we’re focusing on what was done to us not what is going on inside our teen.  By ignoring the reason for the outburst and not letting them vent in the moment, we are teaching our teens to either stuff and ignore their feelings or that their feelings don’t matter.

Research is showing that these are the very things that trigger addictions — emotional pain that the teen isn’t able to contain.  When feelings become overwhelming and aren’t understood, more and more teens start medicating to deal with feelings they want to get rid of.  When we choose to be in their moment and help contain them, we are lightening their emotional load.  We’re letting them see that nothing is wrong with those feelings and we’re here for them.

Galatians 6:2

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

I’ve sat with moms who have shared the frustration of not being able to connect with their adopted children as they become teens.  The hurt and feeling of abandonment of a teen can be overwhelming.  Dealing with the fact that they were given away can bring much pain deeply rooted in who they are.  The same goes for the girl who has become an outcast in her circle of friends or the boy who doesn’t measure up in sports or has a creative bent unlike his male peers.  

The teen years are a time of self-discovery as they try to figure out who they are.  It’s a time when they need to be nurtured–not taken to task for the things they do or don’t do.

Spending time in their emotional world and teaching them to self-process their feelings will help them move from emotional “doom and gloom” to “this will all blow over and I’ll be okay”.  It will allow your teen to move the situation from their emotional brain to their thinking brain which moves them toward maturity.  Once you’ve helped them, then and only then is it time to help them cognitively process the muddy carpet, the harsh words spoken in anger, and the broken hinge — in a gentle, matter of fact way.

Teaching our teens to process their emotional stuff will help them move to the more mature process where they can start viewing situations from the other person’s perspective.   It means that they will begin to move from the emotion of  ‘I can’t believe she did that to me’ to a mature thought process of ‘she typically doesn’t treat me this way, I’m guessing she is having a bad day.  I wonder if I did something to upset her.’  

Wouldn’t it be great if even as adults we could quickly move from the emotion to mature logical thinking? What if we could give the other person the benefit of the doubt instead of spinning in their emotion getting caught up in the other person’s level of anger? Wouldn’t it be satisfying to realize that instead of heaping our emotions on top of an already volatile emotional situation we could help soothe the other person in such a way that we both felt good about ourselves and our relationship?

Dare you to think about the emotional situations in your own home.  Are you responding to your child’s emotional fire in a healthy way?

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

 

 

 

Time to Tame the Beast in Your Teen?

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Let’s face it, most of us have emotional outbursts from time to time.  Even if not openly for everyone to hear, at least internally where we tell ourselves that the person who has “hurt” us is in the wrong.  Hopefully we don’t go into this mode as often as our teens, but we do have these negative conversations.

 The question is how do we as adults deal with these experiences and move to equilibrium quickly and are we passing the right skills along to our tweens and teens to help them tame the emotional beast?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve seen grown adults who still haven’t learned the skills to calm their emotions.  Several years ago I witnessed an auto accident where a guy speeding in a sports car was involved.  Watching from  a distance I stared in disbelief as this man jumped out of his car raging and screaming as he ran toward the other car ranting to the other person involved.  He was totally oblivious to the state of the other person’s injuries.  The man was so emotionally charged in the moment he became an emotional beast ready to take out the individual whom he now saw as an opponent.

There is now brain research that  gives us a clue as to what is going on internally when we have those meltdowns–or sometimes shutdowns.   Most of the time those feelings will override our ability to think in a cohesive pattern causing us to go into a negative spiral.  When we go into the negative self-talk mode then the world around us becomes a dark place where we tend to emotionally vomit on someone who will listen–usually people with which we feel most comfortable around–family–or we go into our own personal inner sanctuary where we shield ourselves from the pain.

Helping our children harness those feelings by speaking truth into their lives can teach them skills that will provide a foundation for more emotional maturity.

So what are some of the things you can do as a parent when your kid comes home from school grunting as he walks past you in the kitchen, ignoring your greeting, disappearing into his room as he slams the door?

 Or what do you do when you and your child have had angry words and he shouts “I hate you!”?  

What if you see your kid punching his younger sibling or screaming words that you cannot believe are coming from his mouth?

Or you child seems to have retreated to a place where she seems to not be emotionally present?

  1. Take a deep breath and pray.  God sees your child’s pain.  Ask Him for wisdom in how to deal with this child in this moment.
  2. Give your teen space.  Every emotional outburst doesn’t need to be dealt with immediately.  I’ve coined a new catch phrase when I meet with parents.  If it isn’t a situation of life and death, choose to deal with it later–meaning after the emotion has subsided.  Even if the slammed door has come off it’s hinges or the younger sibling has a bloody nose, deal with the blood and not the emotionally charged teen.
  3. Re-engage when cooler heads prevail.  Re-engage in a safe place.  Maybe it is in the quiet of your teens room when everyone else is in bed or you take him to his favorite burger hangout or coffee shop, either way gently broach the subject without raising defensiveness in your teen.
  4. Ask your teen to do some soul searching.  What was he feeling in the moment?  What does she think triggered the outburst?  Was there ever a time he had that feeling before?  If so, what happened in the past and are those two events connected?  Research shows that anger in a given situation can sometimes be traced back to a previous event that seemed similar to the current event.  Because of that, your teen could have had a heightened emotional charge because the “feeling” was connected.  In other words, the emotional outburst was actually triggered because of what happened before–not necessarily the current situation.
  5. Help your teen become aware.  With your teens permission, come up with a way to cue your teen in on her emotional  escalation.  A simple hand gesture or funny phrase can easily raise awareness.
  6. Give you teen options for the future.  Share with your teen possible calming techniques for future situations.  Reading a book, asking someone to listen to their side without judgment (some kids process quicker if they can verbally dump their angst),  playing soft music that doesn’t further enhance their anger, or prayer and meditation are all ways to cope with negative feelings.  Your teen may find other ways that will bring calm to a given situation — a bubble bath, a chat with a friend, or doing something fun with a family member that takes their mind off the pain. Encourage your teen to tell you when they are struggling.  Even encouraging your teen to utter a simple statement such as “I’ve had a bad day and need to be alone or I need to process what happened” is a mature response that indicates they are becoming aware of their need to take control of their own emotional beasts.
  7. Share scriptures that will build confidence in your teens ability to take charge of feelings.  Most of us can allow negative thoughts to spiral out of control when our feelings run amok.  Scriptures that speak to their situation help our teens accept that the battle actually belongs to the Lord. 

2 Corinthians 10:5

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

John 8:32

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

Colossians 1:22

But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation—

Dare you to be pro-active in taming the emotional beast in your teens rather than being a reactive agent adding fuel to that already roaring flames.  Teach them the skills to self-sooth their hurt and anger so they can reach full emotional maturity.

“Let go…and let God”,

 Even us moms need a safe place to deal with the feelings that emerge within us as we parent during the tween and teen years.  Our With All Due Respect eCourse is a great place to share and learn from other moms. And for a limited time, it’s free! And remember that you will need a copy of the book as we go through it together.  Moms tell us all the time that they’ve learned so much and how their parenting responses have changed significantly since working through this curriculum.  “I wish I’d read this book years ago” is a common response.  We encourage you to read it and let us know what you think.  It may revolutionize your parenting.

50 Things I Learned From Raising a Challenging Child

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Emerging into the world our daughter arrived six minutes after I had waddled through the emergency entrance at the hospital doors.  Our family joke was that she was the creator of drama and the day of her birth was the beginning.  She had orderlies, nurses, and doctors frantically hustling for her grand entrance while my husband, Dave, was still parking the car.  We knew that she was special arriving on the infamous 8-8-88 and weighing in at two ounces shy of 8 lbs. 8 oz.

That was the day I came to a whole new appreciation in knowing that God is good.  It just so happened that Dave was supposed to make a four hour drive to Cleveland that morning for a mandatory work event that would have kept him out of town for three days.  Our daughter arrived just shortly after 6 am; my husband was supposed to leave on the trip by 6:30 am.  Indeed, God is very good.

By the time she was three and attending preschool two mornings a week, I had begun to realize that she was indeed a very special child.  One morning I had just dropped her off at her classroom door and was standing in the hallway talking with another mother when the teacher had the children line up single-file to go to the big room for games.  I hid behind a half-open door so my daughter wouldn’t see me.  I watched intently as I saw her tap the little girl ahead of her on the shoulder. She then began to whisper something in the girl’s ear indicating that she was supposed to be in line in front of her.  Sure enough, my daughter got in front, stood still for a moment, and proceeded to tap the little boy in front of her and move into the line in front of him.  As I watched this happen over and over, I knew this child was destined for greatness.  Each child she had tapped and spoken to seemed  oblivious to what had just happened.  She was grinning from ear to ear as she led her classmates down the hall.

By middle school, I saw the beauty and talent this child had within her.  She not only had a stage presence and a beautiful voice, but she had such a tender heart for others.  It was common for mothers whose children were a couple of years younger to call me up to see if our daughter would come play with their kids.  Every time I would hear something like “She is so creative.  When she comes to play my kids don’t get bored.  She is really patient and makes sure to include everyone.”

She also loved to be in the kitchen baking something sweet.  One Sunday morning the youth pastor was telling a story from the pulpit about how no one in his family liked pumpkin pie so he didn’t get a piece for Thanksgiving that year.  When my daughter heard the story, compassion welled up within her.  The next Saturday she spent the day making him his own personal pumpkin pie to surprise him with the next day.

The difficult piece of this seemingly wonderful child was a dark side that we never quite understood.  Given a simple “no” over something seemingly minor became reason for a fit of anger or defiance.  A quiet family afternoon at home could quickly spiral into a “you never” or “you can’t make me”.  Jealousy over things only God can control turned into, “I should have been the first-born. I need a sister.  I wish she was my mother!”  And the list went on.  

At 16 it seemed as if the heat turned up making things even darker.  Phone calls from teachers and other parents became a very real part of my life making me want to crawl into a hole and never come out.  I was trying desperately to find ways of helping this poor child that seemed destined for self-destruction.  Our family felt helpless in reaching her.  Counseling sessions were going nowhere so I did the only thing I knew to do.

I let go.

She moved out of our home at 18 and the path she chose seemed even more vile.  We kept in contact on a regular basis, but her antics kept our family in constant wonder of how to handle each new difficult situation.  We tried a reset of her life a few times, but the efforts would revert to a similar lifestyle breaking our hearts.

As I continued to maintain contact with our daughter, I employed new skills I was learning in an attempt to rebuild our relationship.  It was working.  She seemed more open, wanted to spend more time with me, was able to accept our family’s boundaries, and was beginning to reciprocate when it came to relationship.  She told my husband that I was her best friend.  

I thanked God for his goodness.  

But even through this glimmer of hope which included coming back to our home for a week, the choices she made were deadly.  Our daughter passed away May 30, 2017.  

I am convinced that even though we may not be able to save our children from destructive lifestyles, He uses it for good.  After all, God is good.  God is very good.

Because of my daughter I am changed.

Because of my daughter I know that God is my strength in times of need.

Because of my daughter I have learned to let Him be in control.

 

50 Things I Learned From Raising a Challenging Child

  1. Maybe God gives us these kids to change us.
  2. We may think there are only two sides to a coin, but really there are three. These kids see the rim on the circumference and make us think outside the box.
  3. I am not in control.  Let me repeat, I am not in control.
  4. There is always a different choice that I usually don’t see—this child does see it.
  5. These kids live life to the fullest in a very short period of time. We have to seize some of those moments to be in their world.
  6. These kids teach us to listen, listen, and listen more. As parents, maybe we should try talking less and listening one more time.
  7. These kids teach us that taking risks is part of life, and it shows we have guardian angels watching over us.
  8. These kids teach us to retract our words through apology over and over. They teach us that sometimes apologizing is more important than being right.
  9. These kids teach us to pause before we speak. We learn to gauge our words by their potential outburst response.
  10. These kids teach us to be consistent. One slip of letting them get by with something proves that they can change our mind.
  11. They teach us to learn who we are talking to. Is it our child or a voice from our past?
  12. Things we learned as a truth from childhood may actually be a lie; seek to find real truth.
  13. Friend’s “advice” shouldn’t drive our actions when it comes to parenting. We really need to listen for God’s guidance.
  14. It’s easy to give the impression that if you give me the right behavior that you will get my love. Work hard on unconditional love.
  15. Tension should be resolved quickly; don’t let it linger.
  16. We need to become masters at reading our child’s unspoken words. These are an indicator of what is truly below the surface.
  17. We need to do everything in our power to make sure there are more positive interactions than negative so they can feel our love.
  18. As moms, we need to make sure we have plenty of rest. Pushing ourselves to be supermom gives us less ability to respond with love and patience.
  19. These kids will push us to the end of our rope sometimes. Practicing non-emotional responses ahead of time will give us the skills to react calmly in the heat of the battle.
  20. My child taught me that every person has value and I need to show kindness to all. Inviting their friends in gives me opportunity to speak His truth to those who surround her.
  21. Beware of judgment. We are all on a journey; some are just farther along than others.
  22. It is important to break out of our place of comfort to enter their world at times even when it is a little scary and doesn’t make sense to us.
  23. Boundaries are important in the parent/child relationship as they keep us emotionally healthy. Mom and Dad need to be on the same team in setting them.
  24. Enabling our child to do less than what should be their responsibility stifles their maturity even if done in love.
  25. We cannot make our child’s life better for them. We need to teach them to own their own future.
  26. Letting go of one child sometimes means saving your other children.
  27. Rebuilding severed relationship can be done. Never stop trying, and be aware of the other person’s capacity to reciprocate at various stages of the rebuilding process.
  28. Make sure that the amount of energy poured into your challenging child doesn’t suck the life out of you so that you can’t be there for your other children.
  29. Behavior doesn’t necessarily define the whole person. It is only one slice of the pie.
  30. Children become the average of the five people with whom they surround themselves. Teach them to choose friendships wisely.
  31. Laugh often even when you want to cry. Laughter releases endorphins that will make you feel better in the midst of the pain.
  32. Our kids make choices that sometimes lead to destruction. We have to remember that they are their choices and the outcome is between them and God. 
  33. As parents we need to own what is ours to own and not accept blame for every mistake our child makes.
  34. None of us are perfect parents and neither do we have perfect kids. If our kid self-destructs it is not automatically our fault.
  35. Our child’s heart might pull them into a destructive lifestyle. We can warn them, but we can’t control the situation.
  36. “I always thought that I’d see you again” can be a stinging lyric that fits unspoken conversations that you should have had. Initiate those conversations often.
  37. We need to teach our kids that relationships are transactional. There needs to be give and take on both sides.
  38. It’s easy to start thinking of these kids as a bother because they know how to press our buttons. Find ways to engage for short periods of time about non-emotional issues so that the mending of the relationship can begin.
  39. Offering empathy and validation for your child’s feelings means more than telling them your perspective on the issue.
  40. Keeping the pain and frustration to yourself makes you an island. Reach out and find a “safe” person who has been through a similar struggle to lighten your load.
  41. When you feel like there is no hope, pray. Starting with Amen or “so be it” shows that you accept that God is ultimately in control.
  42. When consequences for actions fail, push the reset button and work out a better solution.
  43. If emotions are high, take deep breaths and slow the conversation so that your brain has enough oxygen to speak with respect.
  44. Give your child the benefit of the doubt even when the likelihood is that they were in the wrong. Allow them time to tell their side of the story.
  45. When parents, teachers, and other authority figures call you to tell you “that awful thing your kid did”, listen, thank them for calling, and pause before dealing with your child on the issue. Listen to your child while asking open-ended questions about the incident.  Whatever you do, avoid any knee-jerk reaction.
  46. Stand firm in what is right and what is wrong so your child will always know where you stand on a given issue. Silence can be interpreted as implicit acceptance.
  47. When our kids make choices we don’t feel are good for them, rather than say “I told you so” talk through what could have been a better option.
  48. Be grateful for the positive aspects of your child’s personality. Find the good in them and encourage them again and again.
  49. Become a “safe” person for your child to talk to—no condemnation, no advice without their permission, and lots of listening with validation.
  50. Be your child’s #1 cheerleader when you have opportunity to do so and give lots of hugs.

Because of my daughter I have learned to “Let go…and Let God,”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Belligerent or Self Protection?

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If you have tweens and teens, at one time or another you’ve probably seen that warlike seething that sometimes seems to explode even when asked to do what you think is a simple request.  Or maybe you see it in your spouse and don’t quite understand it.  How do you respond when you ask someone to do something because you need help or maybe just because it would be something good for them to learn to do, and you are met with a resounding “NO!”? Read more