Dare 4 – The Respect Dare – The Vision

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Now that I’m officially established in my role as a mother of 20-somethings, I’m finding myself listening more intently to other parents’ comments about interactions with their adult children. As I process what they are saying, it makes me think about how I might be coming across to my own kids.

I thought I’d share a couple of dialogues as we talk about visioning because we can learn a lot from others’ success and failure. If it works for them, it might work for us. If it “ain’t workin” for them, why try it?

Here’s one that I had to laugh about!
Obviously, names have been changed to protect those who were complaining.

“He knew I wanted the grandkids this weekend!” Kelly responded, obviously miffed.

“What happened?”

“He’s mad and won’t let me have them this weekend. He said I’m getting too possessive of his kids! Of course I’m possessive! They’re my grandchildren!”

“What triggered him saying that?”

“Oh, I got upset with him for taking the kids to see Marla’s parents on a weekend that I was supposed to have them.”

“Well, isn’t it good that the kids got to spend time with their other grandparents?”

“Yeah, but does it have to be on my weekend? Ron and Marla know that I get the kids every other weekend when I’m not working. I can’t believe that he thinks he can just decide which weekends I don’t get them!”

Hopefully, you all are laughing saying “what is she thinking”! Obviously…she isn’t.

Here’s a contrast of a different interaction.

“Tonya, I know that you know how I feel about your decision. You can’t have lived under our roof for 18 years without knowing the values that your dad and I have tried to teach you. But, you are an adult at 20. I recognize that it is your choice and not mine, but I want you to know that I think this is a decision you will later regret. Regardless of the decision you make, your father and I will still love you. I will be praying that you will change your mind because that’s my job as a mother, but again, it is your decision.”

“Mom, thanks for recognizing that it is my decision. I know this is hard for you, but I think it is the right choice for me.”

((HUGS)) happened here.

Is either scenario a reflection of you?

James 1:23-25

Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.

I don’t know about you, but I want to be a doer of the Word. I want my reflection as a parent to give freedom. I want to be blessed in what I do. I want to be mom in the second story…the best “launching” mom on the planet!

So I decided to take Nina’s Dare and apply it to me as a parent!

Remember, this is where I want to be…not where I am. I’m creating a vision for how I want to parent my 20-somethings!

I am a woman who has the strength to recognize that her “babies” are now adults. I continue to share my wisdom, but I will do it like I would to my best friend, asking permission but recognizing that some decisions are not in my control. No matter what challenging circumstances come my way, I will respectfully allow my children to make their own choices and work through their own consequences, leaving them in God’s capable hands. I have peace recognizing that each of my children is on the journey that God has for them in this stage of their life. My phone will ring often because my adult children will want to have relationship with me. They will come to me for wisdom or just to talk. They see me as a friend who knows them well. I will use this time with children out of the house, to rekindle the sparks in my relationship with my spouse. As I walk in this new phase of parenting, I will find my identity in how I am to spend my additional time by seeking God daily relying on Him for encouragement, wisdom, and happiness.

Dare you to write your own vision for this phase of life.

Double dare you to share it by posting it on my blog.

Walking the journey with you!

“Let go…and let God”,

Debbie

Be sure to follow other bloggers as we go through Nina Roesner’s book The Respect Dare. You’ll find Leah blogging to wives with young kids and Nina blogging about marriage. We’re only on Dare 4, so if you are just joining us, it won’t take long to catch up. Join us on our 40 week journey!


The Respect Dare – Dare 4 – Vision

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Fondly watching my children play in the fenced-in back yard when all four were under age eleven, I could already see the future (so I thought). My own desires painted a beautiful landscape in my mind, a picture void of heartache or difficulties and brimming with success.

My oldest would be a future all-star major league baseball player. After all, he was already hitting homeruns over our fence, something that even the older boys in the neighborhood had not yet mastered! When others from his little league team were bored with the “catch the fly ball” practice drills, my son would watch to see if the kids on the other side of the field had their gloves ready. If not, he’d go catch their ball. Baseball future? You bet ya!

Then there was my daughter, destined to be on stage with her radiant smile and voice of a future star. She would regularly come down the stair in some fashion she had created out of any article of clothing that she could get her hands on, dressed to her finest in my high heels, belting out a song that I was sure would melt the judges hearts with her every audition. Not only was she destined to sing, I knew she would do so in the outfit she designed!

My third was the math whiz, the meticulous Lego mastermind! No doubt this one would be an engineer. Even with his quiet demeanor (compared to his older siblings), he was unbelievably gifted in making and maintaining deep relationships. At a young age, I saw compassion in this deep thinking child. This one would be the steady rudder wherever his ship sailed.

Number four was my creative genius! Whatever Lego design my third had built following each direction piece by piece, this one took it apart to fashion into his own creation. Destined to be an inventor of things not yet thought of, the imagination and forethought he put into his design were unbelievable! Quietly singing while he did his handiwork, I could see he was paying close attention to his older siblings, determined to do whatever they did. No matter what this one decided to do, he’d succeed as long as he could use his own creativity!

Yes, I had a vision for my kids…A passion for helping steer them toward who God had obviously designed each of them to be.

But what about my own vision…for myself…as a parent?

I love how Nina Roesner talks about visioning for ourselves in The Respect Dare, “If you are married, one of the purposes for your life is to become holy within the context of marriage, shining His light to the world.”

The same is true for parenting!!

I don’t know about you, but I spent so much time pouring into my kids with a vision that I thought they would aspire to, that I forgot that I need to grow as well! It wasn’t until my children became tweens and teens, that I began to realize that my vision for them was a lie created by the enemy!

Psalm 139:15-16

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed…

Only my kids can create their own vision. They need to want to paint the beautiful landscape. They have to choose to become whatever their vision is. I don’t have a major league baseball player, nor will I likely have a high profile recording artist. By high school, my one son knew he wanted to be an engineer…it was his dream, his goal, and my youngest was pouring his creative talents into music. But it is their vision, breathed in them by God.

What about you? What is your vision of the parent you would like to be in four to six months? What changes would you like to see?

Just like our vision for our kids sometimes begins to deflate as they become tweens and teens, our parenting dreams start to shake and falter as these soon to be adults start pushing our buttons and fighting for their independence. We see behaviors in ourselves that we either justify or shudder to think that we are even capable of such things. Sometimes our responses need a new perspective.

Do you need to soften your voice?

Do you need to let go of minor issues?

Do you need to loosen the boundaries?

Do you need to respect that your child is now a teen and becoming more independent?

These are only a few areas that I began thinking about as I started creating my own parenting vision. Will you join me in setting a positive vision for who you would like to be as a parent?

“Let go…and let God.”

Debbie

For more ideas on respect in marriage and parenting, check out Leah’s and Nina’s blog or follow us on Facebook/The Respect Dare.

I’d love to have you comment on my blog or share it with others! Your comments help others grow in their journey of parenting! It’s your way of becoming a Woman of Influence!

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Dare 3 – The Respect Dare – Personal Assessment

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Tanya sat on the stool at Leanne’s kitchen island sipping her steaming tea. She loved these opportunities talking to her friend as the sun was shining through the entry. They were talking about their grown children, laughing at their new “freedom” with kids out of the house.

Leanne’s cell phone vibrated on the counter. “Excuse me just a minute, I need to take this,” Leanne muttered. “It’s Jenny. I’ll let her know that I’ll call her back.”

As Tanya listened to the short conversation, she let her mind wander. “Why don’t my kids call me like that?” she thought.

As Leanne hung up with her daughter, Tanya asked. “Do your kids call you every day?”

“Well, not all of them,” she laughed. “Depends on which one it is. With four kids that are twenty-something, they lead pretty busy lives. Jenny usually calls daily through the week on her way home from work, Darcie usually calls every two or three days unless she is struggling with something, then I may hear from her two or three times a day! Marty usually calls every day or so, and then Mitch typically calls at least every week or two.”

“Wow, that’s hard to fathom. My kids rarely call. I feel so disconnected from their lives.”

“You sound a little disappointed,” Leanne ventured.

“Yeah, I really am, I guess. For some reason, family doesn’t seem that important to my kids. It seems that the only time we talk is if I initiate the conversation.”

“I take it you’d like to be more connected to their lives?”

“Of course! I just don’t know what we did wrong.”

“Can I offer a suggestion?” asked Leanne. With a nod from Tanya, she began, “Don’t focus on what you may have done wrong. No one will win with that logic. Why not try to think about steps you could take to build the relationship? It might not become exactly what you want it to be, but it could become a lot better.”

“But, how? I don’t think I would even know where to start!”

“Why not start with taking them out to lunch? Share with them what you are feeling. Tell them what you are hoping for the relationship to be. Find out what they are looking for in your relationship at this point in their lives. Ask how you can be there for them, and then reciprocate, letting them know what would help you feel engaged.”

“You make it sound so easy. It’s obviously working for you.”

“I’ll let you in on a secret. When each of my kids were making their big move out of the house, I took them out to lunch and told them how excited I was that they were heading out to their new adventure. I assured them that I was their number 1 fan and would always be here for them. I also told them that I wouldn’t be calling them regularly to ask lots of questions. I wanted them to feel independent. But, I also told them how much I loved them and that I hoped they would call me regularly so that I could know what is going on in their world. I told them I wanted to be their friend and hoped they wanted the same from me.”

“Wow. Wish I had done that. You seem to have real friendship going with your kids.”

“Tanya, it is not too late for you. Pray and engage with them…not as a mother, but as a friend. God will do the rest.”

Philippians 1:6

…he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

As parents, most of us long for relationship with our adult kids, especially our single twenty-somethings. Sometimes that means taking a personal inventory of who we are and how we attempt to connect with them. Too often, parents continue to “parent” their older kids, expecting them to still “obey”. When their adult children resist, feelings are hurt and relationships are stilted. Why not use this opportunity as we go through The Respect Dare together to assess where you might need to make changes in order to see your relationship with your children grow?

Here are a few questions to get you started. I hope you’ll pick two or three to focus on while we’re on this journey together.

  • Do I choose to live my life for God more than I am concerned about what other people think?
  • Do I let my twenty-something know (appropriately) what I am struggling with?
  • Does my twenty-something confide in me?
  • Do I know how to give advice to my twenty-something such that they hear it and often take it?
  • Am I still trying to control my twenty-something’s behavior and get them to do what I want them to do?
  • Do I make demands of my twenty-something and feel disappointed or angry when they don’t respond?
  • Do I communicate with my twenty-something so that they want to have relationship with me?

Moving into adult/adult relationship with our kids is tough. We are expected to give up control…and I’ll admit, sometimes that is a hard thing to do…especially at times when we might be footing the bill.

My hope for you is that above all things…Think relationship!

“Let go…and let God,”

Debbie

P.S. Hoping that you join Nina and Leah as we blog our way through The Respect Dare.


The Respect Dare – Dare 2 – Childhood Introspection

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Even though exhausted, Melissa had several things still on her list before the big weekend. “Thaw out the meat, finish the deviled eggs, run to the store to get streamers, cake, candles…and ice cream. Then come home and mop the kitchen floor and make sure the kitchen and family room are straightened. Better make sure there is enough gas for the grill, too,” she played over in her head as she took inventory of her list.

As the evening wore on, Ryan tried to get Melissa to come to bed, but Melissa kept thinking of a few more things that would need to be done to make the next day perfect for her 13 year old son’s birthday party. She had pulled out all the stops this year. Both her parents and Ryan’s were coming for the celebration. Different times of course, her family on Saturday afternoon and Ryan’s parents on Sunday afternoon, because things just didn’t seem to gel right when everyone was there at the same time. Then there would be all Ryan’s friends on Saturday evening. She wanted to make sure he felt special this weekend!

By Sunday evening, all Melissa could think about was crawling in bed. The last of the guests were gone and the birthday boy had decided to go shoot hoops with a couple of his friends over at open gym at the church. She decided to take a power nap before dinner and immediately fell asleep.

After the kids had gone to bed, Ryan pulled Melissa over to the sofa. “Do you mind if we just spend some time together and talk?” he asked. “You look absolutely exhausted.”

Sitting in the family room, Ryan gently prodded. “I know that Conner had a great weekend. We all did. Everything you did was perfect! But I want to talk about why you felt you had to do so much? Why did you feel the house had to be spotless? And then you felt you needed to make so much of the food from scratch. Why three parties and not just one? I guess I just felt like the weekend took on a life of its own and you were determined to make it all happen. I just want to understand what was going through your mind.”

“You’re right…I’m totally drained.”

“So what was so important about this weekend…this birthday for Conner?”

“Ryan, I thought you knew.”

“Am I supposed to? What did I miss?”

“Ryan, when I was 13, I couldn’t wait until my birthday! You know, it’s a big deal becoming a teenager. Anyway, about two weeks before my birthday, my parents announced that they were going to California on vacation with my aunt and uncle and my grandmother was going to stay with us. They left the day before my birthday. There was nothing special about that day. I just remember feeling like my parents really didn’t care about me at all…no cake, no presents, not even a telephone call on my birthday. I remember asking my grandmother if she was going to make me a birthday cake. You know what her response was?”

“No, sweetheart, what was it?”

“She told me she didn’t make cakes anymore and that if I wanted a cake, I’d have to bake it myself.”

“I’m so sorry. So that’s why the big deal this weekend?”

“I guess so. I think I wanted my parents to see exactly what birthday celebrations are supposed to be about. I guess I was trying to prove that I care about my children. And then you know how mom is such a stickler for criticizing everything that isn’t perfectly clean in the house. I think I try to make everything spotless in anticipation of her criticism. Honestly, I guess I just wanted to feel valued by her.”

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. ~Psalms 91:1

Are you reacting to events in your childhood as you parent your tweens and teens? Maybe it’s time to ask God for rest as you seek his guidance and wisdom in your parenting.

Dare you to look at one of your own childhood experiences that gets played out in how you parent.

Double dare you to join me on a regular basis as I blog through Nina Roesner’s book, The Respect Dare, from a parenting perspective.
For a young mom’s perspective, check out www.LeahHeffner.com and then you can also join Nina directly at www.NinaRoesner.com.

More than anything, as you find yourself struggling in your parenting journey, my desire is that you…

“Let go…and let God,”

Debbie