Tag Archive for: boundaries with teens

A Different Way to Communicate When Our Teens Disrespect Our Time

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A friend and I used to joke about our spiritual gift of driving when our kids were teen.  Hauling kids from school or activities can be a great opportunity to connect with them.  However, sometimes our teens can take advantage of our generosity.   Several years ago, I had a mother share with me her dilemma.  She wanted to be there for her kids but she didn’t know how to set boundaries.

“I just lost it!” she admitted.

Sitting outside the school, Marcia’s anger began brewing as her thoughts began to surface, “How dare she expect me to pick her up after school and then not be out here waiting for me.“

She punched in the speed dial number on her phone to reach her daughter only to have it roll to voicemail. “Mom, there is no cell phone service in the school. Do you want me to go find her?” offered Elizabeth. “I’d like to get home too. I have a lot of homework tonight.”

As Elizabeth went to go find her sister, Marcia pulled the car into a parking space. Thinking of all the things she could be doing with her time instead of waiting for her 15 year old yet again, she caught her emotion spinning out of control. Nothing seemed to work in getting Sara’s attention.

As she sat there trying to calm herself, she remembered:

Philippians 2:14

Do everything without complaining or arguing.

“Okay, God, I get it. But does that really mean I’m supposed to sit her and not complain about her continual disrespect of my time?”

As two minutes turned to ten, Marcia tried to reflect on her situation with Sara. There had to be an alternative to this scenario. She didn’t want to continue to play this game on a daily basis. “God, I know I’m not to complain or argue with her, but what do I do?”

Ephesians 4:29

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

“Alright, Lord. So when Sara gets in the car, I’m not going to complain about her being late. I’m going to be calm. I’m not going to show her how upset I am. But I do need to build her up in a way that she will listen to my needs as well. I obviously don’t need an audience with Elizabeth in the car. This conversation needs to just take place between Sara and me. Give me the ability to keep my mouth in check when she gets here.”

The two sisters finally emerged from the building with another friend in tow. “Mom, you don’t mind giving Ted a ride home do you? He lives about a mile from here. His mom had to take his sister to the dentist this afternoon and couldn’t pick him up.”

Later that evening Marcia found her daughter in her room studying. “Sara, can we talk for a few minutes?”

“Sure, Mom, what’s up?”

“I liked your friend, Ted. He seems real nice.”

“Yeah, he’s cool. He’s in my Spanish class. He’s kind of a nerd, but still cool.”

“You know, I like it that you are my social butterfly. You’ll always have an impact on other people with your ability to connect. I really think God will be able to use you because of your outgoing personality.”

“Thanks, Mom. I really do like to be part of people’s lives.”

“I’d like to talk about that. You see, I’m noticing a pattern that is starting to be a frustration for me. While I love it that you want to connect with people and talk after school, it is forcing me to have to wait longer and longer for you. I love you dearly and want you to have friends, but there are times when I have a lot of things to do in the afternoon and it frustrates me to have to sit in the car for 20-30 minutes waiting. I agreed to pick you up after school so that you wouldn’t have to be on the bus for 40 minutes and it’s not a big deal since I pick up Elizabeth anyway. But I’m feeling like we swapped your 40 minutes for my 40 minutes. I’m wondering if we might be able to work out a solution so that you still have time after school to connect, but Elizabeth and I don’t have to be sitting in the parking lot waiting every day.”

“Mom, I could try to be out there earlier. It’s just that sometimes I get stopped in the hall by one of my friends and I lose track of time.”

“I understand. Those things happen sometimes. It happens to me on Sunday mornings after church when the rest of you are ready to leave.”

“Here is a thought I had. What if on Monday and Friday, I give you extra time after school. I’ll pick up Elizabeth and then go run errands. I’ll plan on picking you up 45 minutes after school is out. You can set your alarm on your phone and meet me outside when it goes off. On the other days, you can stay 5 minutes and no more. Again, set your alarm and meet me outside.”

“Can I change the days or does it have to be Monday and Friday?”

“I can probably be flexible on the days, but we need to clear it with Elizabeth as well because it affects her schedule. I’m also open to any other suggestions you might have. Think about it and we can talk about it tomorrow. Just know that I need you to set your phone alarm for 5 minutes after school is out tomorrow. I don’t want to have to wait like I did today.”

“Okay, Mom. I’m sorry about today. I’ll think about it.”

“We’ll work it out, I’m sure. Just know that I love you and I love how you connect with people. I want you to understand, too, how important it is to be respectful of other people’s time.”

Too many times as parents, how we communicate to our tweens and teens speaks volumes. While conversations like this take time to cultivate, grumbling and complaining about how our kids treat us won’t get us very far in the relationship department or most likely solve the problem long term.

So what are the communication steps?

  1. Start on a positive note.  What is a positive character trait you can encourage your teen with as a result of the situation?
  2. State the problem.  Be honest and keep the emotion out of it.
  3. Have a win/win solution to offer and be open to possible adjustments.
  4. Let your teen know that you love them and that you want to work out a good solution for both of you.

Dare you to offer your teens options when it comes to solving problems and be sure to let them know how precious they are to you.

“Let go…and let God,”

Looking for Family Balance?

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Young attractive woman working on the laptop

Sitting at her desk in the master bedroom Kristin was thankful for the silence. Ted had agreed to focus on the kids and food for the day while she took time to pray and seek God’s guidance.  She had shared with a friend the frenzy that had seemed to creep into their home since the start of school.  With three kids under roof and the growing amount of homework and activities, Kristin felt their lives were out of control.  

Especially hers.

Trying to juggle meals, snacks, carpools, be at all the games and youth activities, not to mention the ever-growing laundry pile, and ministries she and Ted were involved in, Kristin knew they needed a reset with the family commitments.

Haven’t we all been there?

The question we have to ask ourselves is if we are willing to push the reset button before it’s too late.

Each school year brings new opportunities, typically more homework, and a lot of wonderful opportunities for our kids.  

But let’s face it, if we have more than one kid and we are still driving them around, it can wreak havoc on our schedules as moms.  Typically when the home is out of balance tension gets high and tempers flare more often.

That’s when it’s time for a reset.

Here’s some thought that might make your reset more successful.

  1. Do your homework before you take action–with each of your kids.  Here’s an opportunity to hear their heart and apologize if need be. Take your child out for a walk or go get their favorite ice cream.  Share your concerns for family balance and apologize for your short temper if needed.  Ask questions and find out what is really important to them.    Let them know you and your husband are going to be talking about how to reduce the stress in your home and create more life balance.  Let them know you will get back to them once you’ve talked to everyone in the family.
  2. Look at activities for each kid.  Separate the great opportunities from the good opportunities for each person.  Focus on each child’s strengths and areas where they need to grow. Are the activities the kids are involved in teaching life skills?  Are they stretching them?  Or are they involved because that’s what all their friends are doing?  
  3. Look at obligations for both you and your spouse. Ask yourself if it is time to set a ministry or obligation on the shelf for a few years during this season of life even though you enjoy it.  Is it necessary to attend all your kid’s sporting events?  Maybe letting your tween or teen “go-it-alone” would be a growth opportunity for them. Again, separate the great from the good.
  4. Check for imbalance in each child’s activities.  Let’s face it.  Typically the kids that can wear us down get rewarded in that we give in all too quickly and we let them lean the balance of time in their favor.  Either that or the oldest is doing a lot of activities while we tell the youngest that they’ll get to do more when they get older.  Ask yourself if the balance is fair.  Is it time for the oldest to give up some of his retained activities to give opportunity for the younger kids?  Remember teamwork says that everyone gets an opportunity and sometimes one person may have to sacrifice something for the good of the team.
  5. Create a list of optimal activities and discuss with your spouse.  Be sure to include things that you think he should consider giving up and that you are willing to give up.  
  6. Once the list is set, have a family team meeting.  Start the meeting by apologizing to your kids for saying yes to good things rather than great things.  Remind the kids that life balance is a skill that they all need to learn and it makes for a healthier lifestyle and less friction in relationships.  Assure them that you are doing this to help them succeed as adults when they are on their own.  Share the new plan and tell them when it will be implemented.  Be sure to give them a couple of weeks–or until the end of the season–for change.  Also, let them know you are willing to talk further about it if they have questions or are concerned.
  7. Allow your kids to share their frustrations with the change with you.  Listen, empathize with their loss, and let them know that you understand what they are feeling.  Be willing to explore changes that they want to make and rework the reset if you and your husband agree. 
  8. Implement.  Too many times as parents we get so much grumbling and complaining from our kids that we drop whatever it is we’re trying to accomplish.  Be brave and make the difficult choices while continuing to listen and empathize.   

Ephesians 4:2-3

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Creating balance for everyone in our home takes time. When you push the reset button, tempers will probably surface initially, but know that the family relationships will strengthen and maturity will come sooner when we live a life that models the things we want our kids to learn. 

“Let go…and let God”, 

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What? Freedom with Boundaries?

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Image of happy woman with outstretched arms standing in field

I listened as my friend lamented her situation.  She was having parent struggles.  Not issues between her and her children, mind you, but issues between her and her parents.  The issues were not only impacting her but affecting her kids as well. Read more

Parenting Skills from a Movie?

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TAKE INVENTORY of you.  What do you (2)Snuggling with my husband on the couch last night, we were looking forward to an evening without the kids.  It had been virtually months since we had watched a good movie and  Mom’s Night Out (2014)  had been recommended by several friends.  Being several years removed from the exhaustion of small kids under foot and the distant memory of a husband who traveled more than he was home, laughter filled the room from memories gone by.

Trust me when I say that the last place I expect to get any real parenting skills would be  from today’s movies, yet I was pleasantly surprised at the depth and realism of the characters’ parenting dilemmas. As I enjoyed the comedic antics of the young children and remembered  when girlfriend time was something to be craved, I was struck by the interaction between the pastor’s wife and her teen daughter.  From a parenting perspective there was much to gain for those who were tuned in to how the mother reacted to her daughters requests!

  1. WHEN YOU SAY “NO”, STICK TO YOUR GUNS.  It was great to see the mother of this teenager stick to her “no” when it came to an inappropriate pair of shorts that the daughter had purchased.  Several times the girl pleaded her case.  The mother’s response was always the same.  There was no dialog defending her position.  Just a simple “no”.  Know that teenagers fully understand what your standard of dress is and they will push the limit.  Why argue with them when they already know what your response will be?  They’re testing the waters.  Don’t let them push you to give in.
  2. SAY “NO” AND ANTICIPATE WHAT THEY ARE THINKING.  Plans had been made by the daughter to go meet a boy from church.  Again, the mother said “no”.  But she took it one step further!  Knowing that her husband’s sports car was sitting in the driveway, she told the girl that she was not to take his car.  She further told her not to ask her dad about going out when he got home.  Her answer was “no”.  How many times have our children skirted our “no” with a twist of circumstances that we didn’t anticipate? Make sure you learn to think like your child.
  3. LET THEM CHOOSE TO COMPLY.  This is the part where I struggled as a mom.  (Just being honest here).  In the movie Mom had a night planned to go out with girlfriends.  She told her daughter the rules, anticipated ways that she might try to get around them, and then left.  This is where I applauded her!  How many times do we as mothers try to control our teens’ decisions?  The truth of the matter is that her teen could have put the shorts on, gotten in Dad’s car, and gone to see the boy.  If mom had stayed home, the daughter could have been forced to stay as well.  But Mom did the right thing!!  She went out, had fun, and allowed her daughter to make her own choice to obey or disobey.
  4. GET REAL.  How many times do we choose to keep the past a secret?  All of us have a past that impacts how we parent.  As the film plays out, we find  that this pastor’s wife has something that she would prefer others not know about her.  She bravely faces that past and even chooses to share it with her daughter.  Yeah for the pastor’s wife!!  She took her mask off so that she could connect with her teenager!  If this were a true story, sharing that sordid past would most likely save her daughter a similar pain in the future.  I’m not saying that everything we’ve done needs to be an open book, but at some point, teens need to know about some of the decisions we may not be so proud of.   It helps them come to grips with not only our humanness, but the fact that we make decisions for them based on the painful experiences we’ve endured.

If only I had had such a role model early on in my parenting!  Watching the character of Sondra fulfill her role as mother on screen, made me take a look at my own parenting.  How many times have I changed my “no” decision because I allowed my child to sway me to their way of thinking?  How many different ways did my teen twist my intent because I had not anticipated their potential ways to skirt the issue?   How many times did my child succeed at playing my husband and I against each other  until they got the answer they wanted?  How many times did I forgo my plans in order to make sure they understood that I did not trust them?  How many secrets am I holding on to with fear that my child may do the same thing?

Dare you to take inventory in your parenting on some of these issues.  Maybe after watching this film and snuggling with your husband?

“Let go…and let God,”
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