Tag Archive for: Boundaries

Are You Demanding Respect?

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Often I get questions from moms asking how to get their kids to respect them.  I hear the anguish in their voice as they talk about the disobedience, the yelling, the consequence, and then more yelling.  I absolutely can relate.  I’ve been there too many times myself wishing things had not gotten so out of control.  Wondering what I could have done differently.

After all, in the heat of the moment, what’s a mother to do?

Let’s take a moment and unpack a typical scenario so you can think of how to respond rather than react. 

Sam comes in from school with plans to go hang out with his friends.  Mom was in the basement earlier today and noticed that it was a mess.  Sam had promised to clean it if some of his buddies could come hang out last Friday night.  Friends came, but the basement now looked as if a tornado had blown through.  

How do you respond when Sam comes through the door saying, “Hi, Mom.  Practice was canceled today.  I’m heading over to Bobby’s for a few hours.”

Scenario 1

“You aren’t going anywhere, son, until you clean the basement!”

Scenario 2

“Sounds like fun.  Just be home in time for dinner.”

Scenario 3

“I know you enjoy spending time with your friends.  I think we could use to talk before you leave.  Why don’t you run your books up to your room and I’ll make us some hot chocolate.

Some of you are laughing at the responses because you can already pick out your own.  

If you would respond similar to Scenario 1, you are like most parents.  You are already upset before Sam even walks in the door.  This response is one of a need for control.  When we have uncontrolled anger and a need to control a given situation, it means that our identity is tied up in something else.  In the scenario with Sam, could it be the need for full, absolute obedience from our kids at all times?  Could it be the need to have a perfectly clean house?   Could it be a need to have our kids always follow through in whatever they commit to?  Is it perfectionism–perfect kids + perfect house = perfect mom?

Hmm…something to think about.

If you are the Scenario 2 mom, you probably have a “I just want my kids to be happy” attitude.  If I don’t rock the boat, all will be calm.   Maybe you’ve already cleaned up the basement because Sam wouldn’t clean it as well as you do anyway.  After all you’re just glad he has such good friends.  My question to you is, “How does Sam learn to keep his commitments?  Is Sam learning that someone will always clean up after him?  What will that mean for his future wife? ”  Now a question about you, “Is your identity wrapped up in allowing your kids to have a ‘perfect’ childhood.  Are you modeling boundaries which will make them stronger adults?”

Typically when I mention Scenario 3, the first response is, “How can I be calm enough to respond that way?”

Think friend.

Think respect.

Think relationship.

Now, mind you, I am not saying that your job is to be your child’s best friend.  But if you are like most parents, you want a healthy relationship with your kid that will last a lifetime.  I’m suggesting that the best way to teach our kids respect is to be respectful in our responses to them teaching them to own what is theirs to own.  By responding in that manner we will help our kids feel respected and in turn they will learn to respect us.  If we are secure in who we are as parents, and our identity is based on our relationship with God and not wrapped up in something else, then we can calmly work out a win-win scenario for both us and our child.  

Let’s take Scenario 3  to the next step.  Now I’m fully aware that it won’t always result in the same calmness that it will show up in print, but I am suggesting that if you choose your words carefully and instill a sense of affection toward your teen, tempers are less likely to escalate and respect can be achieved.

Scenario 3 continued

“I love a good cup of hot chocolate!  Thanks for giving me an excuse for making it.  I love spending one-on-one time with you.  So you and Bobby are planning to hang out this afternoon.  What do you think you’ll do?”

Then your job is to listen–really listen.  Ask questions.  Show interest.  Let Sam know that you realize how important Bobby’s friendship is to him.

“I know that you are planning to spend time with Bobby, but I have a problem I need to solve.  (Notice it is your problem and not Sam’s.  Wording is everything.)  You had your friends over on Friday night and if I remember right, you agreed to clean up when they left.  Is that right?”

Again, listen to his response.  If he whines and complains that you don’t want him to go.  Just listen and don’t react.  When he’s through then it is time to calmly reply.

“You know that it is important to say what you mean, mean what you say, and keep your commitments don’t you?  I would really like you to keep your commitment about cleaning up the basement.  I allowed you to have your friends over and I need to know when you are going to fulfill your end of the agreement.”

Here’s where you remain calm and listen to his ideas of when he will clean the basement.  Negotiate if you want to.  Give him an “I need to have it finished by ________ time” that is within reason if necessary if it comes to that.

But respect Sam enough to let him be part of the “when” for the cleanup.

When kids see that we respect them by not trying to control the situation, and respect ourselves as parents in holding them accountable rather than letting them off the hook, maturity and respect will blossom.

Colossians 4:6

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how to answer everyone.

Dare you to check to see if you are trying to demand respect with your teens. If so, is there something your identity is tied to that might be impacting the respect that you want?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic.  Message me and we’ll chat.

“Let go…and let God,”

Want to learn more ways to build relationship during the tween and teen years?  Why not join other women as we go through With All Due Respect – 40 days to a more fulfilling relationship with your teens and tweens.

By starting now, you’ll have the opportunity to start the new year off right focusing on one of the most important relationships you have–your kids!  By clicking here wadr-logo and entering the code daretorespect, you’ll get $40 off for a limited time.  That’s 50% off the regular price.

Dare you to join me and others as we laugh, cry, and pray together on the journey of parenting our tweens and teens. 

 

Looking for Family Balance?

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Sitting at her desk in the master bedroom Kristin was thankful for the silence. Ted had agreed to focus on the kids and food for the day while she took time to pray and seek God’s guidance.  She had shared with a friend the frenzy that had seemed to creep into their home since the start of school.  With three kids under roof and the growing amount of homework and activities, Kristin felt their lives were out of control.  

Especially hers.

Trying to juggle meals, snacks, carpools, be at all the games and youth activities, not to mention the ever-growing laundry pile, and ministries she and Ted were involved in, Kristin knew they needed a reset with the family commitments.

Haven’t we all been there?

The question we have to ask ourselves is if we are willing to push the reset button before it’s too late.

Each school year brings new opportunities, typically more homework, and a lot of wonderful opportunities for our kids.  

But let’s face it, if we have more than one kid and we are still driving them around, it can wreak havoc on our schedules as moms.  Typically when the home is out of balance tension gets high and tempers flare more often.

That’s when it’s time for a reset.

Here’s some thought that might make your reset more successful.

  1. Do your homework before you take action–with each of your kids.  Here’s an opportunity to hear their heart and apologize if need be. Take your child out for a walk or go get their favorite ice cream.  Share your concerns for family balance and apologize for your short temper if needed.  Ask questions and find out what is really important to them.    Let them know you and your husband are going to be talking about how to reduce the stress in your home and create more life balance.  Let them know you will get back to them once you’ve talked to everyone in the family.
  2. Look at activities for each kid.  Separate the great opportunities from the good opportunities for each person.  Focus on each child’s strengths and areas where they need to grow. Are the activities the kids are involved in teaching life skills?  Are they stretching them?  Or are they involved because that’s what all their friends are doing?  
  3. Look at obligations for both you and your spouse. Ask yourself if it is time to set a ministry or obligation on the shelf for a few years during this season of life even though you enjoy it.  Is it necessary to attend all your kid’s sporting events?  Maybe letting your tween or teen “go-it-alone” would be a growth opportunity for them. Again, separate the great from the good.
  4. Check for imbalance in each child’s activities.  Let’s face it.  Typically the kids that can wear us down get rewarded in that we give in all too quickly and we let them lean the balance of time in their favor.  Either that or the oldest is doing a lot of activities while we tell the youngest that they’ll get to do more when they get older.  Ask yourself if the balance is fair.  Is it time for the oldest to give up some of his retained activities to give opportunity for the younger kids?  Remember teamwork says that everyone gets an opportunity and sometimes one person may have to sacrifice something for the good of the team.
  5. Create a list of optimal activities and discuss with your spouse.  Be sure to include things that you think he should consider giving up and that you are willing to give up.  
  6. Once the list is set, have a family team meeting.  Start the meeting by apologizing to your kids for saying yes to good things rather than great things.  Remind the kids that life balance is a skill that they all need to learn and it makes for a healthier lifestyle and less friction in relationships.  Assure them that you are doing this to help them succeed as adults when they are on their own.  Share the new plan and tell them when it will be implemented.  Be sure to give them a couple of weeks–or until the end of the season–for change.  Also, let them know you are willing to talk further about it if they have questions or are concerned.
  7. Allow your kids to share their frustrations with the change with you.  Listen, empathize with their loss, and let them know that you understand what they are feeling.  Be willing to explore changes that they want to make and rework the reset if you and your husband agree. 
  8. Implement.  Too many times as parents we get so much grumbling and complaining from our kids that we drop whatever it is we’re trying to accomplish.  Be brave and make the difficult choices while continuing to listen and empathize.   

Ephesians 4:2-3

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Creating balance for everyone in our home takes time. When you push the reset button, tempers will probably surface initially, but know that the family relationships will strengthen and maturity will come sooner when we live a life that models the things we want our kids to learn. 

“Let go…and let God”, 

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What? Freedom with Boundaries?

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I listened as my friend lamented her situation.  She was having parent struggles.  Not issues between her and her children, mind you, but issues between her and her parents.  The issues were not only impacting her but affecting her kids as well. Read more

Dare 21 – The Respect Dare – Another Request?!? For Parents of 20-Somethings

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Standing in the laundry room after a few days out of town, Anita was amazed at the piles of laundry that still needed washed, dried, folded, and put away. “This will take me hours!” she voiced to no one who could hear. Having just moved the second load into the washer, she was wistfully looking out the window at the beautiful day when she heard the phone ring in the other room. “Maybe I should pretend that I’m not back yet and go out and sit on the deck with a book,” she laughed to herself hoping to have a quiet day to relax and play catchup from the fun extended weekend with her husband.

Looking at caller ID she recognized the number. Her 23-year old daughter was calling to probably check to see if she was back. Picking up the phone she responded with a cheery “Hi, Kari. How was your weekend?”

“It was just okay. Nothing exciting.”

“What did you do?”

Kari just shared minor snippets. Anita had the impression all Kari really did was work through the weekend. Then the true reason for the call became clear. “Mom, I’m standing here with mountains of dirty laundry and I won’t have enough money this week to go to the Laundromat. I’m off today. I thought maybe I’d swing by and throw a couple of loads in your machine if that is okay.”

“Kari, I’m sorry. I’m doing laundry right now and I’m sure it will take me to the end of the day. Maybe you can do it another day this week?”

“Mom, this is my only day off work this week. I really need some clean underwear.”

“Maybe you could try to wash a few pairs out in your sink and hang them to dry? That should get you through the week.”

“I guess I could do that. I was just hoping to get all my laundry done today.”

“Hmm, that’s too bad. I’m really sorry I didn’t know sooner. I could have potentially postponed a few of my loads. Now I’m in full swing for the day.”

“By the way, any special reason why you are so short on cash this week?”

“Mom, I wasn’t really going to tell you, but Mitch and I decided to go camping on Saturday. It was my first Saturday off in over a month. We ended up in a big fight because he didn’t have enough gas to get us back home. I got stuck with having to fill up his tank which means I don’t have enough money to get through the week.”

“Have you asked him to pay you back?”

“We’re not speaking at the moment.”

“Did you work out the financial arrangements before you left on the campout?”

“I thought we had. Obviously, I was wrong.”

“I’m sorry it didn’t work out how you would have liked. Maybe you will find a way to talk to him this week and work things out.”

Kari chatted a little more bemoaning the woes of her relationship with Mitch. Mom listened intently, offering emotional support that she knew her daughter needed at the moment. As the conversation started waning, she quietly offered to let her mom go back to her laundry.

“Hope you can get enough of your underwear washed by hand to get you through the week,” Mom chuckled. “Let me know if you want to come over another day before work this week and throw in a load or two.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-5

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:

2 A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
3 A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
4 A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;

 

Sometimes as parents of 20-somethings, we are overtly willing to put what we are doing aside to “rescue” our children from natural consequences. In some instances, it does make sense to bail them out even when we know it will cost us something; time, money, or emotional energy. Other times, they need to learn to make-do with what they have at their disposal and learn to manage their time and resources better without always running to Mom and Dad for last minute bailouts. Either way, don’t forget to fill the emotional tank.:)

Dare you to discern what lessons your 20-something needs to learn on their own while still striving to keep the relationship intact.

“Let go…and let God,”


Hope you will join Nina Roesner as she provides insight on marriage and Leah Heffner as she blogs to wives with little people as we go through The Respect Dare together.