Tag Archive for: my teen is doing drugs

Are You Teaching Your Kids Gratitude?

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This has been a really rough week for me.  It was the two year anniversary of my daughter’s death and I’ll admit that her passing will forever leave a scar on my heart.  

Over the last 13 years I’ve spent countless hours coaching moms who are are lost in the quagmire of disbelief in what their kids are doing.  Many of their kids are doing drugs.  As parents we don’t want to imagine our kid would choose drugs and it takes us a while to even comprehend the extent of our situation.  We rationalize that we can fix it.  What we don’t realize is that the drugs alter our child’s brain in such a way that it typically throws the entire family into a crazy cycle that overtakes our lives before we even recognize it.  As my husband used to say, “It’s the first thing we talk about in the morning, and the last thing we talk about at night.”

If you are dealing with a kid on drugs, feel free to reach out to me.  I’ve walked the path and might have insight that you have not considered.  It is the legacy I want to leave as I reconcile within myself why God has allowed my journey to be so full of pain.

But what does this have to do with gratitude?

What I’ve learned is that gratitude can have an impact on us when we are dealing with difficult situations.  It’s brain altering.  Research has shown that being thankful can give us a sense of well-being and improve our physical health.  And when we are in the pit of despair isn’t that just what we need?  Why wouldn’t we want to take advantage of this way of thinking as well as pass the art of being grateful on to our kids?  After all, it’s cheaper than paying for counseling or going to the doctor.

So as I coach hurting parents, I’ve made it my mission to find something positive for them to focus on rather than the craziness of their world.  What can they be thankful for?  And part of our process is focusing on gratitude.  

So this week especially, I’ve focused on what I can be thankful for as I’ve contemplated by daughter’s death.  It is a tribute to her in what God has been doing in my life — and what He did through her and the lives she touched.

  • I’m thankful for the texts, the cards, and flowers of friends who remembered Andrea.  Only God could have made sure that several stargazer lillies were in the pink bouquet mix — my daughter’s favorite.
  • I’m thankful that God has brought joy through a 17 month-old grandson who kept me laughing on my day of remembering.
  • Thank you, Lord, that my daughter-in-law has been staying with us the last several weeks.  It is amazing how You brought her into my life from Germany and transplanted her in Cincinnati at a time when I needed a daughter to love.
  • I’m grateful for the stories that have come out of nowhere from my three boys this week.  They’ve been reminders that I was a good mother and came just when I wanted to doubt myself.

And what about you?  What can you be grateful for even if you have a son or daughter on drugs?  Can you be thankful that you are in contact with them?  Thankful that they are alive?  Thankful for what God will do in your life as a result of the trial?

And if you don’t have a child into drugs, can you praise God for that?  

No matter how difficult our circumstances, scripture says to praise Him.

I know it is easy to get frustrated with our tweens and teens.  We want to fix them, make them grow up, and sometimes wonder how they can do such stupid things.  Can we praise God in the midst of the frustration?  Can we just laugh at some of the things they think or do?  Laughter lowers our blood pressure and reduces stress. 

We need to laugh often as we raise our teens in order to survive.

The next step is to share with our kids what we are thankful for.  Sometimes I do it as I pray out loud with my kids at the dinner table, “Lord, thank you that ______ got that speeding ticket today.  Use it as a reminder the next time he realizes he is going over the speed limit.”  Another way is to just say something like, “Honey, I’m so glad your accident was only a fender bender and you weren’t hurt.  We have a lot to be grateful for.”

Another thing you might consider is a gratitude night around the dinner table.  Everyone takes a turn sharing 2-3 things they are thankful for during the week.  It is amazing what happens to the family dynamics when we start sharing the positives rather than staying focused on the terrible things that happen in our lives.

Psalm 34:1-4 (TLB)

I will praise the Lord no matter what happens. I will constantly speak of his glories and grace.  I will boast of all his kindness to me. Let all who are discouraged take heart.  Let us praise the Lord together and exalt his name.  For I cried to him and he answered me! He freed me from all my fears. 

Praising God in the midst of the pain.  And feel free to share my story with other moms who trying to face their own difficult reality.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

 

Do You Accuse or Choose to Handle Your Challenging Situations Differently?

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Last week I shared a story of a mother who was more focused on accusing her daughter’s friend rather than handling the challenging situation in a way that would foster relationship with her teen. (Click here to read.)  The same week that I was traveling, I spoke with a grandmother who was trying to impact a difficult situation with her teenage grand-daughter. The situation had just occurred a few days prior and this woman was sharing how she was trying to have influence in an extremely gut-wrenching situation.

As I listened, I was in awe. I kept wondering if I would have had the wisdom to handle a situation in a similar manner. Truth be told, several years ago I was in the same situation–as the mother instead of the grandmother. And I’ll admit I didn’t handle it well. Honestly, I wish this woman had been in my life then. I might have done things much differently with her sage advice and wisdom.

“Monica was caught vaping and smoking marijuana with her friends,” the woman began. “I’m just glad my daughter called to let me know. It’s hard to believe that Monica would do something like that. She just became a teenager a couple of weeks ago. She seems to be so young to already be experimenting with drugs.”

I was able to share with this woman about teen drug use from my own experience with my teen. I found myself transported to all the things I wish I had done differently.  As a result my heart breaks for parents who are in these tough situations.

“I’m so sorry you are having to deal with it. It know it is hard.”

“I know that God is aware of everything and I’ve been coaching my daughter not to accuse Monica but to put her energy into listening and validating her daughter’s feelings.”

“That’s really great advice. Something is obviously going on deep inside your grand-daughter and her feelings do matter.”

“My daughter says that she and Monica are having conversations that are much deeper than they would typically have. They end more amicably than in the past.”

” That’s great. What else are you doing?”

“I’ve been asking God to show me the next step and how He wants me involved in the situation. Yesterday, I got to spend two hours alone with Monica. We talked about how much God loves her. I was also able to ask her if there is any lie she believes about herself. The more we talked and I shared different stories of things that I remember happening when she was little, Monica was able to tell me that she always felt like her brother was more important than she was. She felt that “she didn’t matter and no one really cared about her.”

“Wow. That was huge for a 13 year old to get to a place where she could identify the lie.”

“I thought so too,” the grandmother replied. “I went on to tell her that what was important is what God thinks about her and what she thinks about herself. She needs to find a way to love herself and understand her value. After all, God took His time to create her as a special person. I love her, her parents love her, but she needs to love herself as well.”

“That’s really awesome. I think too often as parents we get focused on what others think about us and not what God thinks or what we think. I love that you were able to get to a place where these are her choices based on what she believes about herself. I love it too that you are stepping into her life in an active role rather than sitting back to let your daughter and her husband struggle with it on their own.”

“One of the things I’ve come to learn,” I continued, “is that teens need several people who are active in their life and people who will not “tell them what to do” or “where they have messed up” but can focus on influencing them toward right decisions with the understanding that ultimately it is the teen’s choice. As much as we want to, we don’t necessarily have ultimate control. Learning that as parents is so difficult at times.”

So what about you? As a parent, how would you handle a situation if you discovered your teen was smoking pot, vaping, or doing drugs? What if they were having sex or doing something else that you disapprove of or is against your faith? Would you accuse and try to control or would you have the skills to influence the situation in a way for the best possible outcome?

Psalm 46:1-3

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

Isaiah 43:1-3 

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Philippians 4:6 

Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Most parents have the tendency of accusing their teens and bringing down the hammer along with the lecture when they’ve done something out of line.  Dare you to choose to handle your challenging situations differently.

“Let Go…and Let God”,

 Wish you had people like this grandmother in your life to help with your parenting challenges?  Grab the book With All Due Respect and join us in our on-line ecourse.  There you will meet our mentors who have learned how to think differently about parenting challenges and can walk with you through the struggles. Whether it is drugs, sex, alcohol, defiance, or even a good kid who you want to connect with on a deeper level, we can help. Hope you will join us.

5 Actions to Take When You Can’t Believe Who Your Kids Are Hanging Out With!

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It’s tough as a parent when our kids choose to hang out with what we might refer to as “unsavory” characters.  Whether it is the need to feel included or a desire to test the waters of independence, most kids are more likely than not to choose friends that are not necessarily a good influence on them at some point in their teen years.  I’ll admit there have been times I’ve not wanted my kids to hang out with other “church kids” for fear that the behaviors I saw would influence my teen’s character.  After all, research says that you become the average of the five people with whom you hang out.

Oh my, what a scary thought!

So how do we handle these situations?  Do we lay down the law or move heaven and earth to keep them away from each other?

And, of course, the answer depends on your particular situation. 

I’ve known parents who were in such dire situations with their kid that they chose to move the entire family in order to push the reset button hoping for a new start.  By all means, if this is your circumstance, I would encourage you to seek wisdom and counsel from professionals as you move forward to save your teen.  As you make this difficult decision, know that it will have a huge effect on all of you as a family.  I would know.  We made that decision at one point in our teen’s life.

But what about the other times when  fear creeps in?  How do we interact with our child knowing he is not hanging out with kids who are embracing the same character qualities we want to see in our teen?

  1. Resist the urge to always say “no” even though everything in your brain is seeing danger.  Our kids are wired to push back as they enter the tween  and teen years.  The last thing we want to do is set our relationship up to be antagonistic.
  2. Be welcoming.  When your kid wants to “hang out” with the friend, create a warm inviting atmosphere in your own home where the kids can hang out.  Encourage them to meet on “your turf” and provide opportunities for you to drop in on them.  Not many kids can resist warm cookies or a mug of hot chocolate.  This is your opportunity to share the love of Christ.
  3. Have positive conversations with your teen about their friend.  I know this seems difficult to do when you are so opposed to their choice, but hang with me here.  Ask questions and listen.  
    1. Why is this friendship so important to your child?  
    2. What is it about this person that your teen really likes?
    3. Let your child see that you agree with their analysis of their friend wherever possible.
    4. Then, as situations randomly arise, continue to ask questions.  What do you think (friend) would think/react in this situation?
    5. Share stories about your friendships and what you’ve learned over the years.
  4. Once you’ve created safety over time with your teen, begin to offer a comparison to their friend’s values versus your family values in a non-threatening way.
  5. Encourage your child to broaden their friendships to include kids with similar family values.

One of my kids always liked to push the envelope by hanging with people who were  directly opposite to our family’s value system.  I’ve found myself squeezed to the point of learning to love like Jesus loved even though it didn’t come naturally and it took everything in my power to choose that path to have a relationship with my child.

Sometimes as parents we need to be the role model for our kids to show them that Jesus hung out with sinners with purpose and intent.  Because of my teen’s choices I’ve been forced to love people who have chosen transgender lifestyles, homosexuality, a life of theft, and drug addiction.  These people have been in my home.  Sometimes, by the grace of God, they’ve joined our family at church.  We’ve been able to have spiritual discussions. Know that it was when I felt backed into a corner and knew that God wanted me to show love to my child by accepting her friends, that He began to weave a story that I had to release to Him.   

Mark 2:17

“It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” 

Kids need to be able to figure out on their own how to develop true, meaningful friendships.  And it is much better if they can learn from us while they are under our roof where we can coach them through the process.  Parenting out of fear in these situations can easily drive our kids toward the very people we so desperately want to shield them from.

Dare you to encourage your kids to have healthy relationships that make them better people like Proverbs 27:17 friendship and engage with those of questionable character with purpose and intent of showing them the love of Christ.

Proverbs 27:17

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

Double Dare you to enter the fight for your kid’s life choices in a way that deflates their defensiveness and woos them to good choices.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Navigating our kids’ friendships can be a scary thing.  Our actions as a mom in these fearful moments of parenting can build walls that are difficult to tear down.  That’s why we’ve created our Deflating Defensiveness Training Retreat.  Let us help you reinforce the relationship before the walls go up, or if you are already there, we can help you rebuild the relationship in a way that will help tear the walls down.  If you feel that you are losing your tween, teen, or 20-something, this course if for you!  Conflict abounds as you parent and we can help you navigate it in a way that actually builds a stronger relationship.

If this is you, we hope you will join us May 30-June 3, 2018 near Cincinnati, Ohio.  Join other women who want to learn the skills to create stronger relationships with their kids, their husbands, and other people.  Pricing includes:  4 nights in a private room in a beautiful retreat setting, 10 meals, and interactive training with professional trainers who love the Lord and what to help women grow in their relationship with God and others.  Not only will you have opportunity to learn and practice new skills in an encouraging environment, but you’ll have an opportunity for private reflection as you develop an action plan to help you get started.