Tag Archive for: my teen is making bad choices

Struggling With A Teen Making Poor Choices?

/0 Comments/in , , /by

Excusing herself from a Saturday morning brunch, Erin pretended a headache and left in a hurry. As she got to her car she found herself shaking so much that she was having trouble finding the right key to open the car door. Gasping for air and holding back tears, she finally found the right one and quickly unlocked the door. Safe inside the driver’s seat, she let the floodgates of despair roll down her cheeks. “These are supposed to be my friends. How can they be so cruel? Lord, where are you? What am I doing wrong?”

Needing to get away from the pain, Erin quickly exited the church parking wanting a place of solitude. Trying to think of a place where she could be alone, she steered the car onto the interstate thinking of the park a few miles away–a place to walk and pull her emotions back in check before she returned home.

Seeing the beautiful trees in bloom and the little bridge across the stream gave her a sense of calm. “I know you are here, Lord. I just need to see you and feel your presence.”

She grabbed a stack of tissues and stuffed them into her jacket pocket before she grabbed her old gym shoes from the trunk. She knew she needed better support for walking with the ground damp from yesterday’s rain. She chuckled a little at the thought that she would be adding to the dampness when her tears really started flowing.

Walking down the hill to a place where she could be alone, she found a bench overlooking the fork of the river. She allowed herself to sit and think through the conversation of the morning.

There were six of them at the table. All of them had been friends for years. They had several kids similar in age and had shared many times the antics of growing up. They had laughed about the mistakes their children had made through the years and had rejoiced together at each one’s accomplishments. But now things were different. The stakes were higher.

It all started out innocently. Barb had mentioned her daughter’s scholarship. Sharon had mentioned that her son Cory had barely missed the ACT score he was hoping for. There was banter of summer jobs the kids had acquired. After lots of laughter and catching up, the dreaded question came. “So Erin, how is Dan doing?”

“Not too much has changed. He still isn’t making the choices Sam and I would like.”

“What’s going on now?”

Erin cautiously began sharing a little bit of their latest saga with their 17 year old. All Erin remembered then was the barrage of advice. “If he were my son, then I’d  ____________.”

“I can’t believe you haven’t tried _____________.”

And then the problem solving party began. It wasn’t so much that she minded their desire to help. She knew that each of them really did want the best for all their kids. Lord only knew that she would do anything for the right advice.

She would do anything to change the situation with her son.

The problem was the invalidating way they went about it. By the time she left, she felt as if each of them was the best mother in the world and she was ‘stupid’ for not getting it right with her son.

She had overheard Margo whisper to Jan, “If she would just take our advice, she wouldn’t be in this mess.”

That’s when Erin fled the scene. How dare they judge her and pin Dan’s behavior on her.

Here she was in a group of women that had always been the best of friends, but when her teen was making poor choices, she felt their disrespect of her situation loud and clear.

“Lord, help me to cling to truth in this situation. If I truly am the source of the reason Dan is making these choices, then show me the way. Give me the tools and the wisdom to know how to respond in each situation with him.”

As the tears flowed, she continued.

“I know your word is true.”

John 16:33

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

James 1:12

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

“Lord, I know that I am not in control of the trials I will endure here on this earth. Lord, this situation with Dan is so difficult. Help me to see truth; Your truth. If I am the source of his behavior, then make it clear to me.

With each tear that fell, peace flooded her soul.

And then Erin felt a prompting that surprised her. “The closeness of your friendships is not healthy for you right now. Put boundaries around your heart through this trial. You need someone walking beside you who has been down this path; someone who is safe to talk with. You need someone who will respect you for who you are and will affirm you in this situation. There are women who have experienced your pain. They will know what you need.”

“Lord, help me find the person to walk beside me. I need them and I need you.”

Other moms don’t always understand when we’re in the middle of difficult waters with our kids.  Friendships that were once anchors in our life have the potential to pull us under and become toxic to our ability to see truth.  

Dare you to find women who have walked through similar fires and are on the other side.  How did they navigate the trials?  What worked and what didn’t?  And how did they survive the storm?  Surrounding yourself with moms who can relate to your life circumstances can be a healing salve in an otherwise harsh world.  Take care of yourself and surround yourself with women who will give you empathy and grace.  

“Let go…and let God,”

Do You Accuse or Choose to Handle Your Challenging Situations Differently?

/0 Comments/in , , , , /by

Last week I shared a story of a mother who was more focused on accusing her daughter’s friend rather than handling the challenging situation in a way that would foster relationship with her teen. (Click here to read.)  The same week that I was traveling, I spoke with a grandmother who was trying to impact a difficult situation with her teenage grand-daughter. The situation had just occurred a few days prior and this woman was sharing how she was trying to have influence in an extremely gut-wrenching situation.

As I listened, I was in awe. I kept wondering if I would have had the wisdom to handle a situation in a similar manner. Truth be told, several years ago I was in the same situation–as the mother instead of the grandmother. And I’ll admit I didn’t handle it well. Honestly, I wish this woman had been in my life then. I might have done things much differently with her sage advice and wisdom.

“Monica was caught vaping and smoking marijuana with her friends,” the woman began. “I’m just glad my daughter called to let me know. It’s hard to believe that Monica would do something like that. She just became a teenager a couple of weeks ago. She seems to be so young to already be experimenting with drugs.”

I was able to share with this woman about teen drug use from my own experience with my teen. I found myself transported to all the things I wish I had done differently.  As a result my heart breaks for parents who are in these tough situations.

“I’m so sorry you are having to deal with it. It know it is hard.”

“I know that God is aware of everything and I’ve been coaching my daughter not to accuse Monica but to put her energy into listening and validating her daughter’s feelings.”

“That’s really great advice. Something is obviously going on deep inside your grand-daughter and her feelings do matter.”

“My daughter says that she and Monica are having conversations that are much deeper than they would typically have. They end more amicably than in the past.”

” That’s great. What else are you doing?”

“I’ve been asking God to show me the next step and how He wants me involved in the situation. Yesterday, I got to spend two hours alone with Monica. We talked about how much God loves her. I was also able to ask her if there is any lie she believes about herself. The more we talked and I shared different stories of things that I remember happening when she was little, Monica was able to tell me that she always felt like her brother was more important than she was. She felt that “she didn’t matter and no one really cared about her.”

“Wow. That was huge for a 13 year old to get to a place where she could identify the lie.”

“I thought so too,” the grandmother replied. “I went on to tell her that what was important is what God thinks about her and what she thinks about herself. She needs to find a way to love herself and understand her value. After all, God took His time to create her as a special person. I love her, her parents love her, but she needs to love herself as well.”

“That’s really awesome. I think too often as parents we get focused on what others think about us and not what God thinks or what we think. I love that you were able to get to a place where these are her choices based on what she believes about herself. I love it too that you are stepping into her life in an active role rather than sitting back to let your daughter and her husband struggle with it on their own.”

“One of the things I’ve come to learn,” I continued, “is that teens need several people who are active in their life and people who will not “tell them what to do” or “where they have messed up” but can focus on influencing them toward right decisions with the understanding that ultimately it is the teen’s choice. As much as we want to, we don’t necessarily have ultimate control. Learning that as parents is so difficult at times.”

So what about you? As a parent, how would you handle a situation if you discovered your teen was smoking pot, vaping, or doing drugs? What if they were having sex or doing something else that you disapprove of or is against your faith? Would you accuse and try to control or would you have the skills to influence the situation in a way for the best possible outcome?

Psalm 46:1-3

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

Isaiah 43:1-3 

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Philippians 4:6 

Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Most parents have the tendency of accusing their teens and bringing down the hammer along with the lecture when they’ve done something out of line.  Dare you to choose to handle your challenging situations differently.

“Let Go…and Let God”,

 Wish you had people like this grandmother in your life to help with your parenting challenges?  Grab the book With All Due Respect and join us in our on-line ecourse.  There you will meet our mentors who have learned how to think differently about parenting challenges and can walk with you through the struggles. Whether it is drugs, sex, alcohol, defiance, or even a good kid who you want to connect with on a deeper level, we can help. Hope you will join us.

Learning to Anticipate What’s Next

/2 Comments/in , , , , , , , , /by

I spoke to a mom of a new college student just a few weeks ago.  Her daughter had just come home from college for Christmas break for the first time.  The mom was joy-filled at getting to see her daughter for a couple of weeks, but she talked about how stressful it was on the entire family.  “I’m kind of hoping she’ll decide to get an internship or something for the summer,” she admitted.  “Does that mean I’m a bad mom?”

Most of us don’t know what to expect for those “firsts” that our kids encounter or do we?

Whether it is a driver’s license, a first date, a serious boyfriend, or a holiday home from college, most of us haven’t anticipated our what comes next.  That’s what Dare 23 is all about.  If we are having a sex talk with our daughter after we’ve found out that she’s already been intimate with her boyfriend, that’s when we discover that we haven’t planned far enough ahead.

Most of us are already doing this for the day-to-day of life as a family.  Whether it’s assigned chores or rules that we’ve set in our home with appropriate consequences, we see a need and we put a plan in place to take care of the problem.  You have the skills.  And we know what it takes to get things back on track.

What I’m talking about here are those monumental milestones where things will be different.  It’s anticipating all the conflict that can arise when things are different in your home.  With freedom, our kids will most likely pendulum swing to the far extreme of their grandiose idea of “total freedom” instead of what we as parent’s intended as gradual freedom.

Take my friend, for example.  Her daughter comes home from college with the plan to see all her high school friends.  Late nights (after all, she doesn’t have to study), sleepovers, shopping, a come-and-go-as I please mentality just like she had at college. Meanwhile mom was dreaming of time to bake cookies together and fun trips out–just the two of them–like old times.

Two totally different plans for what Christmas break was going to be like.

The reality was that dad still needed to get up for work every day even though the garage door was opened at 2 am by their unthinking daughter.  The girl’s brother was still in school and trying to study for exams.  With the daughter bringing friends home, the laughing and giggling was making it hard for her son to concentrate.  And mom was frustrated and disappointed that her dreams and expectations from her daughter weren’t turning out as she planned.

Dare 23 is all about the up-front dialogue; planning ahead and anticipating the potential pitfalls.

It’s all about communication — in advance.

My experience with moms is that most of us don’t know what we don’t know so we just let things happen and then deal with the conflict later.  Another thing we fail to do is get dad involved in these monumental decisions and plan together.

Several years ago I was talking to a mom while I was getting my hair cut.  Her first daughter was getting ready to graduate from high school.  This mom announced, “I’ve told my girls that I pay for things until they are 18.  College is on them.  My husband and I have paid for the best private school in the area to help them be successful in life.  What they do with that is up to them.”

Whether you agree with their decision to pay for college or not isn’t the point.  What is important here is that both parents had agreed on a plan up front, they put the plan for college in motion before the girls even took their first step into the halls of the high school, and communication was on-going with every choice the girls made with regard to their college selection.

That’s parenting ahead.

Proverbs 16:9

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.

Proverbs 21:5

The plans of the diligent certainly lead to profit, but anyone who is reckless certainly becomes poor.

Proverbs 21:5 can apply to relationships as well as money.  Our relationships will blossom with our kids if we can anticipate conflict before it happens and begin the communication process early.

Dare you to anticipate the next big milestone with your teens and tweens.  Start the communication process now so they will know what to expect.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Communication is key in all our relationships.  And learning to deflate the defensiveness with our kids and reduce the conflict and stress in our homes is paramount.  Wouldn’t you like to have a more peaceful home where the stress of the day to day interactions can calmly be resolved?  Knowing our kids, anticipating ahead, and making small changes in our communication can have a huge impact with our tweens, teens, and our 20-somethings.  

We’ve put together a training retreat where in three days  you can learn the skills that will radically transform your home.  Not only will we teach you how to implement these new skills, but you’ll have an opportunity to practice them in an encouraging environment away from judgment.  You’ll have time to refresh your soul in a park-like setting where you will be encouraged to unpack the “now” you are in and learn how to start over with a different perspective.

Here’s what women are saying about our Deflating Defensive Training Retreat:

“It was like the light-bulb finally went off! I’ve read a mountain of books, but this approach is different. Learning in-person from the trainers made all the difference.   I wasn’t able to understand until they modeled it for me and gave me someone to mirror. That’s the thing that was life-changing for me!”

“The retreat taught me how to interact positively with family members who have a history of attacking me verbally… I learned the tools to use when this happens. And it worked when a recurring irritant happened just days ago with an important person in my life!”

“I’ve already encouraged my sister to come with me to the next one.” 

We hope you’ll consider joining us this year!  We promise your relationships will grow in ways you never thought possible.

 

Grieving Our Children’s Choices

/2 Comments/in , , , , , , /by

As I continue to grieve the loss of my daughter, I’m noticing that I’m choosing to slow life down a bit.  I’m assuming that part of it is that others are giving me space and they understand on some level the complexity of the emotional turmoil that I’m in at the moment. When I feel overwhelmed, or sad, or anxious, or find tears welling up within me, I find myself analyzing the feeling to better understand what is going on deep inside.  I find that my capacity to deal with extraneous frustrations is limited so I selectively pick my next steps knowing what I can handle.

Thinking about the grieving process makes me wonder if we wouldn’t be better served as parents to do the same thing.  After all, not many kids turn out exactly the way we think they should.

What I’ve come to realize is that there are a lot of moms who need to grieve.  Moms who need to grieve what they thought they could have with their kids.

Many have kids that are disrespectful, kids that are making wrong choices, kids who choose not to listen to reason, and kids who are in jail or doing drugs or having sex or — whatever is on your list.  But whatever the expectation in which your child is falling short, as a parent you need to grieve it and move forward in your parenting.

Grief is a process of letting go — letting go of what we had hoped for and accepting what is true.  And I’ll admit that it is hard.

Too many times as parents rather than letting go we choose denial.  Somehow we think that we can fix whatever we think is broken with our child.  We nag, we coerce, we try to reason, and we get emotional.  Acceptance is sometimes a difficult but necessary path to walk if we want a relationship with our child that isn’t filled with a sense of distance fortified with impenetrable walls.

Acceptance doesn’t mean there isn’t pain for you as a parent, but it releases your child to choose their own path.

So how do you grieve the things you’ve hoped for with your child?  How can you turn your frustration into a relationship where you are willing to endure their choices and love them in spite of their actions?

  1. Share your situation with someone safe.  A dear friend, a counselor, or even someone who has walked a similar path with their kids can do wonders for lightening the burden you carry.  Just talking about it will lessen the hold the situation has over you.
  2. Express your feelings.  Sadness, guilt, despair, anxiety, fear, hopelessness, longing, anger, and frustration will overwhelm you at times.  Don’t be afraid to feel.  Let others know what you are experiencing at least in the sense of “I’m going through a tough time right now.” It will normalize the feeling.  I’m finding that when friends text me to check in, I let them know what I’m feeling in the moment and ask them to pray.
  3. Let the tears flow.  Crying helps you heal.  Whether it is with a friend, your spouse, or alone, tears will bring relief.
  4. Let others know your need.  Each of us deals with grief in different ways.  I am finding myself needing time alone and at other times I need to be with people.  I’ve asked friends to go to the store with me, meet me for coffee, and to check in by text.  When someone offers a meal, I accept.  I’m finding that grief zaps my energy, so I’m giving myself permission to accept help from others or decline if I can’t handle what they offer.
  5. Sleep, eat, and do as much of your normal routine as possible.  I’m finding that grief is such an emotional process that I have to be selective with what I can do.  Focus on the basics and do only one thing at a time–but do something.  Don’t totally disengage from the rest of the world.
  6. This is a time to be selfish.  This is something I learned from a very wise pastor.  Grieving needs to be on your terms not what others want to do for you.  The day after my daughters death, friends wanted to be with me, to hug me, to do things for me.  While I appreciated their desire to be there, what I needed was just the opposite.  I needed time to contemplate, rest, and just be with my family.  My desire in the moment was to be mom for my other kids.
  7. Spend time with God.  In the midst of my current circumstances sometimes I feel like my prayers are disjointed.  Sometimes I just ask Him to give my daughter a hug or I write in my journal letting God know that I accept that He is God in my current situation.  I’ve been reading about peace in the midst of difficulty.  Coming to grips with the fact that He is in control takes hard work.  Acceptance is part of the process.
  8. Grow through your experience.  God has given you this trial to bring about incredible transformation in you.  Through your loss of the ideal for your child, you will gain wisdom in learning to overcome and survive.  Once you reach this point you will be better able to love your child unconditionally in spite of their choices.

As I’m writing this, it has occurred to me that this is not the first time I’ve gone through the grieving process with my daughter.  She was that challenging child where I found myself grieving over and over again at various stages of her life.  At some point in my parenting, I chose not to try to change her any more.  The nagging, the coercion, and the getting emotional stopped.  I would still try to reason with her, but when she disagreed I said something like “it makes me sad that these are the choice you’ve decided to make; however, I love you and I accept that they are your choices.” Once I had grieved and accepted that I was not in control, I reached a point where I was able to truly love her unconditionally.  I accepted her for who she was and fully entrusted her to God.

As parents we sometimes need to let go of our expectations for our kids.  We need to grieve our idealistic hopes and dreams so that we can better love these kids that God has given us on loan.  After all, He created them and He has a plan for their lives.

Psalm 23:4

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”  

Isaiah 40:31

“…but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” 

Do we trust Him with His story?

Praying you can…

“Let go…and Let God”,

 Our Small Group Leader’s Guide for With All Due Respect is now available. Want to help moms develop a deeper relationship with God as they create more fulfilling relationships with their teens and tweens?  With All Due Respect was bathed in tears as God walked me through a powerful life-changing process that impacted my relationship with my daughter.  Because of what God taught me through parenting her, other moms can now grow closer to Him as they work through the devotional Dares from this book.  What is more, if you choose to do the book in a group you’ll have opportunity to develop deep connecting relationships with other women who are also on the parenting journey.