Tag Archive for: my teen is out of control

Are You Trying to Control Your Teen with Anger?

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Anger is an emotion that most of us have to deal with from time to time especially when our tweens and teens push our hot buttons.  Typically when this happens our real desire is to just make the situation go away. “Why did you do that?  How dare you speak to me that way!  You are so in trouble, young man”, are all retorts to get out kid’s attention in the moment.

When our emotions are out of control our voice will escalate and a scowl will become our facial expression to let our teen know that they’ve crossed a line.  In reality, the stance sometimes with hands on hips tells our teen we mean business.  It is actually our attempt to control the situation we find ourselves in.

These type of responses are in essence a way of self-protection hoping to fix the problem that’s been thrust upon us.  The truth is that some type of fear or feeling of not being in control has been triggered. 

But the important question is “what message are we sending to our teens”?

When we get angry we are communicating to our teen that the problem or issue is more important than our relationship.

Ouch!

Many times our anger becomes a rant where our teens stop listening and begin planning their counter attack.  If we escalate often, we’ve most likely lost them as soon as we raise our voice.  Now the situation is about us and not them.  

Anger is a natural response when we feel our teens are pushing the limits outside of our desires, but it isn’t the anger that is the problem as much as our lack of control of the anger. 

Feelings are a natural God-given way to self-preserve.  But do we exercise them in a way that puts our desires or need to control before the relationship?

Here’s what I mean by that.  Perhaps the next time you find yourself yelling at your teen, try this.

Let’s assume Ralph has really upset you and you catch yourself yelling at him or maybe he says something like “Mom, you don’t have to get so upset.”

  1. Pause.  Whisper a quick prayer–maybe just the words “help me, Lord”.
  2. Say something like “I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t be yelling at you like this. “
  3. Then in a calm controlled voice say “As you can tell, I’m really angry about this, but our relationship is more important.  Let me start over.”
  4. Begin again in a calmer voice without blame and accusation.  Something like “I noticed you didn’t ___________, and I’m sure you have a good explanation (giving them the benefit of the doubt).  I’d like you to help me understand.”

James 1:20

because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

All of us have different levels of  maturity in our ability to control our emotions.  How we interact and respond to our kids is not only ingrained in us but has the potential to become part of who they are. It not only becomes ingrained in them but  is seen as acceptable behavior as they interact with others.

I had a Christian mom who used to come to me after an altercation with her kids and laugh as she told me how she had “yelled” at her kids for something they did.  There was no remorse on her part because she saw it as a normal parenting response.  How sad.

If we want relationship with our kids in the future, we need to become more aware of our own parenting behaviors that are triggered by fear.  

Dare you to let you tweens and teens know that you recognize this wrong behavior in your life and ask them to hold you accountable.  Maybe they can give you a signal when they see your emotions starting to escalate.  By doing so, you’ll forge a relationship that says we’re on the same team and anger won’t be controlling your home.

“Let go…and let God”,

Most of us have never paused long enough in our parenting to assess how we’re really doing.  We’re busy reacting to the hustle and bustle that comes with the tween and teen years rather than looking at the legacy we want to have continue for generations to come.   Working through With All Due Respect will give you perspective on where you are in the journey.  

Why not grab a few friends and go through the book together?  

Has Your Kid Launched an F-Bomb?

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“F-You,” came the shocking words flung in anger from her 12 year old son.  It was the first time his mom had heard words like that come out of his mouth. Read more

When Tempers Flare – Part 2

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In looking at taming the wild beast within us when our temper starts to flare so that we don’t wound the ones we love, we need to take a step back and look at the goal we want in our relationships.

As you think of your own conflicts, what is the goal?

To get your way?  To make sure the other person does what you ask them?  To win?  To make sure you are heard?  To retaliate for the things that you are feeling because of the other person’s poor choice of words?

If you choose to look at conflict in a different way and recognize the signals your body brings when things begin to escalate, you have a better chance of thinking clearly and moving the other person to either your way of thinking or a blended solution rather than ticking them off to the point of frustration.

Whether it be the one-upmanship of verbal blows between husband and wife or the anger that resonates from a parent when a tween or teen pushes the limit, we have an opportunity to choose to recreate an environment that will bring harmony and trust with our family members rather than turning our home into a battle ground which pushes the other person away.

Most people learn their conflict skills from watching their parents fight.  Think about that.  Two separate families’ baggage from previous generations have the ability to derail families based on their skill level when the heat is on.  The divorce rates in America tell us how we’ve done in that area.

What if we, as a body of women, choose to learn the skills to do conflict well in our marriages and in our parenting?  We could change the course of the family for our offspring.  We could turn our conflict into connection that deepens the relationship.

So what does that look like?

Let’s assume that your spouse or teenager has just said something that riles you up.  What should you do?

  1. TAKE INVENTORY of you.  What do you feel?  A tightening of your chest.  Adrenaline rushing through your body?  A searing thought of how dare they talk to me that way?  Whatever it is just recognize it knowing that you have the ability to get it under control.
  2. BREATHE.  Deep breaths have the ability to calm your central nervous system.  Don’t speak or retaliate.  Just breathe.
  3. LET their words spew.
  4. LISTEN.  Remember harsh words and anger may have nothing to do with you. Maybe something happened at school or work today.  You just happen to be the target because they need to take their frustration out on someone.   At other times, it could be a result of something you’ve done or not done.  Listening helps us discern truth in their anger.  It allows us to admit fault and apologize if need be.
  5. AFTER they are finished, say something like.  “Wow, I’ve obviously really upset you.  I’m sorry.  You are right, I did __________.”  Or, if you are not at fault, start in the same manner but change the ending.  “Wow, I’ve obviously really upset you.  I’m sorry.  Do you think you can calm down enough to talk about this now or should we talk about it after dinner? I really want to hear what you have to say.”

So here should be the real goal in any conflict.  You want to make sure you are fully honest and fully respectful.  It doesn’t matter if it is your husband, your teen, your twenty-something, or your best friend.  Conflict needs respect and honesty.

So let’s think through the questions in my last post.

Dodging the landmines and pitfalls of conflict in your home doesn’t mean becoming a doormat.  Being silent and allowing your husband or children berate you doesn’t build trust or intimacy.  Walking away from the conflict actually pushes the person away emotionally  just as much as engaging in unhealthy patterns of conflict.  Setting the stage for respectful disagreement will actually build trust in the relationship.

While your feelings of hurt and frustration are bound to get riled as you listen to the criticism and harsh words of your loved one, recognize that your spouse or child hasn’t learned effective conflict communication skills yet.  You are their teacher.  Remind yourself that this is a learning process, the other person does love you, and by you changing the patterns of communication, everyone will benefit.

Revenge is something that most of us have struggled with in the past.  But to build intimacy in our home, we have to remember

I Peter 3:9 CEB

Don’t pay back evil for evil or insult for insult. Instead, give blessing in return. You were called to do this so that you might inherit a blessing.

Remember that rational dialog can only come after emotions have been soothed and anger has turned to calm.  Sometimes you may need to take several “time outs” before the situation can really be resolved.

We have to learn how to manage conflict well in order to build trust and intimacy in our homes.  While it isn’t always easy, and we will mess up, if we choose to work hard at trying to make some changes, it will not only increase the passion in our marriages but will serve as a model for our future generations.

I love how the woman who so bravely shared her struggle in my last post, summed up what we are trying to teach through The Respect Dare, With All Due Respect, Daughters of Sarah, and Generations.

It is because of all of  (the skills) that we can go from knife-throwing to talking to laughing to snuggling. We can simmer down and ground ourselves once more.

This group and the experiences before it have preemptively saved my marriage. We are going to have moments like these again and God-willing we’ll be able to make it right when it happens. But what about others? For those who do not have the tools, what will happen to them?

If you struggle in this area, why not consider doing a small group in your home using The Respect Dare book or With All Due Respect book.  Both of these will help you build skills that will have an impact on your marriage and your family.

Hope you’ll start adding these tools to your toolbox.

“Let go…and let God,”

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When Tempers Flare – Part I

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Nothing spurs me on more than interacting with a wife and mother who “gets it”.  Notice I didn’t say, “always gets it right”.  It’s just that she recognizes that something needs to change in the communication with her husband and her kids.  And if this mom had teenagers, I’m guessing she would become painfully aware of how communication can get out of control when her kids frustrate the her beyond her breaking point.

My words of advice and encouragement to all of you who have children is learn this skill now. And know that wherever you are in the journey, it isn’t too late.

This dear friend sent a Facebook message when she was hurting.  The fight was over, but the words continued to sting.

Still reeling from the conflict she shares her heart:

What do we do when communication fails? I’m not looking for a judge’s ruling. I see both sides clearly and I know now where we went off-road.

“You’re not the boss of me.” “I don’t report to you.” “Your head is thick.” “Stop acting like a martyr.” “I’m not doing anything wrong.” “You half-assed what I asked of you.”

This is real. Knives straight to the heart because of what…miscommunication. This is why a happy marriage falls to ruin. We are human. We make many, many mistakes. We say things we shouldn’t and hurt loved ones in the process. Our blood boils over and we lose rationality.

My heart aches for her.  When tempers flare and the adrenaline starts pumping, most of us gush out words with venom. Somewhere within us that saber-toothed tiger aggression unleashes and we have no idea where it came from until it’s too late.  It is amazing how when the tension dies down and time settles the dust, we are able to see “where we went off-road” as this woman so eloquently describes.

If you are like me, you’ve been in the situation that this woman describes, oh, so many times.  Personally, I didn’t know how to reign it in.  All I knew was that I needed to make it stop. When anger welled up inside me I seemed to have a faulty gauge that couldn’t tell when I was about to blow!

And then came that one definable moment.

It was a teenager moment.  A definitive point in time where I was bound and determined that this teen would obey me.  Sarcastic words from a child determined to get her way  drove my anger gauge to boiling.  As she reached for the in-home phone that was mounted on the wall, after I had explicitly said “you may not call someone to come get you”, I was determined in my heart to win the battle. As this teen lunged for the phone, I reached it first.  Thinking it would easily slip off the wall bracket, I proceeded to rip it from the wall.

Horror gripped my heart.  My teen was not the only one out of control, so was I.

Now, mind you, I realize that these were not misused words here on my part.  The vocal venom was purely from the mouth of my child.  But I was participating. I was reacting to the aggression.

As I crumpled to the floor in disbelief, holding the phone, tears streaming down my cheeks in shock at my reaction, my teen marched out the front door in the dark, pouring rain.  The realization that I could bring such an ugly reaction to prove that I had authority over a child that I dearly loved, sent me on a path to try to understand how I could even begin to think about behaving in such an overpowering way.

And that was the problem.

I wasn’t thinking.

I had not predetermined the boundaries in my mind to set myself up for success during these trying times.  I didn’t know where the line was that should never be crossed.  I didn’t understand the need to recognize the signs my body went through before I reached that boiling point.  And the truth is that if I had learned those skills before I had tweens and teens, I would have been better equipped to handle that definable moment that would have negated the need for drywall repair and the purchase of a new home phone.

So how is it that some women have the ability to dodge the landmines and pitfalls of conflict that are naturally part of marriage and parenting without being a doormat?  What tool is in their tool boxes that allows them to not feel the sting of  those hurtful daggers thrown from a husband or angry teen?  How do they manage to “get it under control” and not return evil for evil?  How can they turn the scorn that they most likely feel and calm the situation enough to have rational dialogue?

Ephesians 4:29

Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.

The bottom line is that how we manage conflict determines the level of trust and intimacy we create in our homes.

Stay tuned to my next post to learn the tools of successful communication so that knives will not pierce the hearts of those you love.

“Let go…and let God,”

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Are You Caught In the Extreme of Parenting?

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I hear it often from women– almost daily.  The excuses, I mean.  The “I don’t deserve, I wish it were better, If only I could be more, I should have,” and the list goes on.  In their mind, they never quite measure up.  And they start owning everything that goes with parenting.  They own the undone chores, or the behavior of their child, or the homework, the grades, or any wrong choice of their teen.

And I wonder what we need to be doing differently as parents so the next generation of moms-to-be (those kids under our roof right now) don’t leave a similar legacy to our grandchildren.

You see, those self-doubts most likely stem from childhood–a childhood where the now mom (maybe you?) didn’t feel like she measured up.  She wasn’t all that she should be as seen through the eyes of her parents or teachers.  So her beloved role of motherhood becomes an idol for perfection.  She wants to get this right so she tries a little too hard to help her child measure up and be perfect according to the standard her parents set for her.

Sometimes we push too hard, or expect too much of our kids, or on the other end of the spectrum help too much all because we want to be the successful parent.  I’m still wondering if we’re trying to reach that imaginary ideal so that we can receive our own parents’ approval, or our child’s teacher’s approval, or the approval of our friends or someone else.

Maybe our parenting is focused on us rather than what is best for the child.

Ouch!  Yes, I know that hurts.

Over the last ten years, I’ve learned to look at parenting through a different lens.  But let me first share what I’ve learned by observing two moms.

Almost two decades ago I watched as two mothers each with daughters the same age as mine parented in very different ways.  One mother had what I will call an “I love my daughter and I want to point out the good in her so that she becomes a healthy, functioning adult.”  The other mother had an “I love my daughter and I need to let my little girl recognize she is a sinner pointing out those sins so that she can get them under control.  If I do that, she’ll be a healthy, functioning adult.”

As you read those, I hope you can see that one was looking at parenting from a positive perspective while the latter was looking at her role as mom through a negative lens.  If you look closely, they are two extremes.

I know that each of these christian mothers loved their daughters dearly.  But one focused on the good while the other was focused on any wrongdoing.

If we want to have influence on our kids, and if we want to change the culture in a world where right and wrong are not easily defined, we need a little of both of these moms actually.  We need the mom who can point out the good in a way that breeds confidence and instills a bond in such a way that respect and mutual admiration is established.  By doing so we develop in our child a willingness to be open to our teaching because we’ve created a place of safety.  Our children will be more apt to share their mistakes too because we provide a place where mistakes aren’t looked at as “an unpardonable sin” but as an opportunity to learn. 

But let’s face it, there do need to be times when a teen’s sin becomes obvious and action needs to be taken.  If we are always focused on the good, what should we do then?

That’s when we should ask questions.

Sometimes stating the obvious creates defensiveness in the other person.  The brain is wired to automatically think “no” as a way of self-preservation so always pointing out our child’s sin, makes our teens want to revolt and do the opposite.  By asking questions we can help them discover what may be obvious to us.

Self-discovery through questions helps our teen recognize their wrongdoings on their own without the sting of our judgment.  The “WWJD — What would Jesus do?” can take on a totally new meaning when we gently ask our kids what the right thing to do would have been.

If we are gentle in our teaching, helping our children discover their shortcomings rather than making mountains out of what should be molehills, our children will learn to create their own standard to measure up to–hopefully the biblical standard.  Instead of taking on a rebellious spirit or a spirit of never being or doing enough, they will be better equipped to recognize both their strengths and their shortcomings.  And, then hopefully they won’t measure their success based on the success of their children in the future.

Philippians 4:8-9

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me or seen in me–put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.

Ephesians 6:4 

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Don’t we want our children leaving our homes never having to question whether they measure up? Don’t we want them to feel our unconditional love even when they don’t always get it right?  Don’t we want them focused on God’s standard for behavior rather than ours or the world’s?

Dare you to ask yourself some tough questions about how you parent in your home and what you are doing to set your children up to be a healthy, functioning adult.  

“Let go…and Let God”,

For those who are tired of the conflict with your kids and want better relationships, our Deflating Defensiveness Training Retreat: A Conflict Resolution Workshop is only a few weeks away.  Deadline for signup is May 15.  We guarantee that you’ll walk away with new skills and a new way of thinking about parenting–about all your relationships.  You’ll also strengthen your relationship with Him!

Dare you to be changed!