Tag Archive for: oppositional defiant disorder

Feeling Overwhelmed As A Parent? 10 Things You Might Consider.

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Whether it be the lack of sleep during the infant and toddler years or the fear of what our kids are doing during the teen years or early 20’s, at some point in the journey we’re likely to feel overwhelmed as a parent.  For many of us we’ve been conditioned to be energizer bunnies; “we keep going and going and going” until our battery runs out or a cataclysmic event forces us to slow down.

I’ve been in that same place for a while now.  Stress from a child in chronic pain, grief from a 20-something making too many poor decisions, work, meals, and everything in between can send me to the point of exhaustion just needing a break.  Just when I think I can’t handle any more, I get a call letting me know that my mother-in-law has passed away this week.  The event that forces me to pause.

Why is it that when you get to the breaking point one more thing always happens?

I’ve talked to several moms this week who are in the same place.  One came home from work early and collapsed for a brief 10 minute nap before the kids came home from school.  Another was stressed because her 20-something does a verbal dump of all her problems in late night conversations.  A mom with a kid smoking weed, another having to be two places at one time with two separate kids, homework, new schedules, teacher issues, coaches who play favorites, and a husband who verbally tears down his kids are all stresses that can impact our well-being.

All the normal stuff of being a mom.  Right?

Why is it that as a mom we tend to take care of everyone else but ourselves?

Scripture gives you permission to do something different.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own?  For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in the body and in your spirit, which are God’s.

Think about it.  You are God’s temple–the place where He dwells.

In the Old Testament the tabernacle or temple had to hold up under extreme stress because it was portable.  God even assigned priests to take care of the tabernacle and temple.

If you are a mom, there’s no one to take care of you, except you.  You are the priest for your temple.

If you are too tired and are yelling at your kids, you aren’t taking care of your temple.  If you have schedules that require more energy than you have to give, something needs to go.  If you are getting a constant verbal dump from your 20-somethings, then maybe it’s time to teach coping skills and put time boundaries in place.  If you are responsible for the entire house and possibly the lawn, then maybe it is time to bring out the chore chart and enlist the help of other family members.

Give yourself permission to take care of you and make sure you are refilling your tank.

The other day after hearing about my mother-in-law’s death, since there were many things that needed to be done,  my first thought was to see what I could reschedule on my calendar.  As I looked at breakfast scheduled with a friend my first inclination was to cancel it.  Upon further review, I decided to keep the date because I knew I needed to take care of me.  This friend would listen; she would make me laugh; she would help me forget my sorrow so that I would be energized to do the next thing.  And I realized, it was the best decision to take care of me.

Here are some things you might consider as you move yourself up on your priority schedule.

  1. Are you getting enough sleep?
  2. Are you too busy to spend time with God in quiet meditation?
  3. Are there too many sports or activities for the kids?
  4. What hobbies do you enjoy?  Are you doing them?
  5. Do you have friendships that energize you?  If not, why not?
  6. What are your stresses?  Can someone else ease the burden?
  7. Do you schedule time away with either your spouse, a friend, or by yourself so that you can relax and unwind?
  8. Do you even know if your tank is more likely to be filled up if you are with other people or if you are by yourself?
  9. Are you worrying and trying to control things that are not yours to own?
  10. Are there things to which you should be saying “no”?

Dare you to take inventory of your stress level and give yourself permission to take care of you.  If you do, you’ll find you have more energy to take care of the people in your life–serving as He has called us to.  The difference will be that if you’ve taken care of yourself you are more likely to do it with a cheerful heart.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

Interested in leading a parenting Bible study that will have women sharing on a deep level from the beginning?  Want them to walk away with a WOW! experience?  With All Due Respect will do just that and we promise to make it easy to lead.  You don’t need to be a perfect parent; you don’t need to have perfect kids; and you don’t need to have ever led a group before.

 

 

6 Parenting Lies That Can Affect Your Marriage

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Most parents struggle with priorities.  It doesn’t matter if you have one child or several kids, orchestrating a balanced life sometimes seems next to impossible.  Juggling housework, job, kids, homework, activities, and a spouse is enough to make anyone’s life seem thrown off kilter at times. Add to that a kid who isn’t fairing well in his current circumstances and emotionally we’re pulled toward that child over the rest of the family.

I would know.  Living a balanced life with four kids under my roof was a challenge for me.  I not only believed some of the lies that permeate our culture but I could also put that struggling child’s needs first as well as easily get wrapped up in the spotlight of the successful child’s endeavors.

Here are some of the lies I embraced as well as others I am seeing parents put into action:

  • My job is to create a happy life for my kids.
  • I need to offer my kids every opportunity to be all they can be.
  • I need to watch every game, recital, or activity to let my kids know that I’m here for them.
  • I should put all my energy into the kids since they’ll be gone before I know it.
  • I can “fix” the child who is struggling if I just try harder.
  • I’m the mom, I know what’s best for my child better than anyone else, including my husband.

Whatever plays out in your parenting, know that these are lies the enemy would love us to embrace.  If we do, we’ll be exhausted and so child-focused that there will be no hope of balance, especially as our kids move into the teen years.  We can become so enamored with each new stage of discovery with them reliving our own childhood or  we can become so focused with the fear of what they will choose that we become the overzealous parent trying to keep that child from crossing the lines.  Either way, balance will be skewed.

But where does that leave our marriage?  Does our spouse fall outside the priority box because of our parenting? Do we choose to prioritize our kid’s needs, desires, or whims, over the person who should be our soulmate?

It is easy to become so kid centered in our parenting that our spouse can sit on the sidelines barely on our radar.  There are moments when you pass in the wind telling the other person that you’ll see them at the end of the 18 year kid commitment.  “They’ll be off on their own before you know it” becomes yet another lie that we believe as we push our relationship with our spouse into some far off future.

Do we take time to cultivate our relationship as two parents working side by side or do we bark orders and cast blame when it comes to how our spouse interacts with the kids?

Our family has been under a tremendous amount of stress.  Not only did we lose our daughter suddenly, but I have a son who has been in tremendous physical pain with no medical answers.  Finances have been challenging due to expenses we could never have begun to anticipate.  Tension has been high.  Yet, peace is permeating my thoughts.  I recognize it as a peace that can only come from God.  But yet I’ve gained a new awareness that the peace also stems from somewhere else–someone else.  That peace comes in knowing that my soulmate is here to soothe the anxiety in my soul.  We’re on the same page with the goal of running the race, together.

The thing I want to communicate is that as your kids move into junior high and high school, there will be conflict.  Chances are that you and your spouse will have very different ideas on what your children should and should not be allowed to do. It puts pressure on the family, especially the marriage.  If your spouse is not a priority and if you’ve not begun communicating early about how the two of you will navigate those rocky roads of the parenting journey, then not only will the parenting lies have you focused on the wrong priorities, but your marriage will most likely come under attack.

1 Peter 5:8

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

As I look around today at the stress on parents to have perfect kids or kids who at least think like their parents do, it is no wonder that divorce is high.  Add to that the number of parents who are worried about potential issues of alcohol, drugs, pregnancy, cutting, same-sex relationships, suicide, and a host of other issues that plague our kids today, it’s no wonder that our lives are out of balance.

Dare you to looks at the balance in this stage of your life.  Focus on becoming a united team as husband and wife as you parent your kids.  By doing so you will not only have someone to grow old with once the kids have moved out, but you’ll be modeling balance and a good marriage to a generation that needs to know that a successful marriage is possible even when trouble comes.

“Let go…and let God”,

If it is time for you to make a concerted effort to parent together, why not start with With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens & Tweens .  It is a great book to start the parenting discussion on 40 different parenting topics. 

Or, if your husband won’t participate, then try getting a group of moms together.  You’ll find ways to encourage each other whether dad is involved in your kid’s lives or if you are parenting alone.  Either way, we know that your relationship with your teens and tweens will be more fulfilling than it is today.

Dare you!

 

 

 

Who Gets the Blame in Your House?

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Let’s face it, as moms we know our kids.  We know what they are capable of and what they might do and most likely what they won’t do.  Hopefully we understand their hearts and what motivates them.

And we definitely know which of our kids is most likely to cause trouble in the family.  

I can’t tell you how many times as a mom I’ve had my kids come and tattle on the other.  And I’ll admit that at times I did the wrong thing–I passed judgment on who was telling the truth.  Think wearing a black and white striped referee shirt calling the shots of who is in the wrong–even without seeing the play.

Why?  Because we know our kids.  We know what they are capable of and what they might do.

Lord, forgive us as parents because we know not what we do.

Too many times as parents we choose to discipline without knowing all the facts.  We don’t recognize that if there is conflict then most likely both of our kids are to blame in some manner.  After all, you can’t have conflict without two people.

And if we have several kids, we typically create one of them to be the scapegoat.  Think about it.  A scapegoat is a person who is blamed for the wrongdoings, mistakes, or faults of others.  And it is usually done for for reasons of expediency.

How many times have we issued judgment on one of our kids in a conflict situation between siblings because we want it to be over and done? We don’t want to sort through the “he said, she did”, and whatever else we hear as they try to talk over each other.  So we issue an edict and refuse to talk about it any more.  Most likely our judgment is issued on the kid who we think we know started it in the first place–our family scapegoat.

What if we began handling these scenarios differently?  What if we took the time to teach our kids to solve their own differences?  And what if instead of judgment we taught them empathy and validation skills that they could use with each other?  These are skills that communicate love as well as respect.

Now I know that some of you think I’ve gone off the deep end by now.  You don’t even think this is possible.  But stay with me.  I know this is a long post, but it is so needed in most of our families.

What is our goal as parents?  Isn’t it to help teach our kids self-respect while they are under our roof rather than choosing sides where there is a winner and a loser in our family?  After all, if we fall into that trap we are creating extreme thinking in each of our kids.  The one in the “right” can develop an “I’m all that” way of thinking while the scapegoat develops the mentality of “I’m a loser and won’t ever measure up so why should I try”.

So what are some steps you can take if you are in the referee parent zone?

  1. When one of the kids starts screaming, or tattling, or blaming, pull them into a room together.  In other words, help them address their own problems with each other, not with you.
  2. Your role is coach not referee.  If there is a lot of emotional blaming, stop the conversation and take a time out.  Send them separate directions to calm down.
  3. Resume the conversation. Have them state the facts from their perspective.  No judgment.  Just facts.
  4. Coach them to communicate their why.  Teens need help understanding their feelings and their actions as a result of those feelings.  Sometimes they will discover that the “why they did what they did” has nothing to do with the present circumstance but something that they felt in the past.
  5. Teach your kids to show empathy and validate the other person’s feelings.
  6. Encourage them to apologize to each other for their part.
  7. Help them decide what they need from each other in the future to keep this from happening again. 

Here’s an abbreviated example of what it might look like.  Know that typically this conversation will most likely take time–sometimes lots of time.  Hopefully, this will get you started thinking about other ways to handle conflict in your home.

Aubrey:  “I pushed you and took your car keys because you think you are some hot shot at school.” 

Jeremy: “You made me out to be a fool in front of all the kids at school.  Mom, she made me sit there in the parking lot until I had to finally chase her down to get my keys.”

Mom:  “I can see that both of you are upset about this.  I’m going to ask each of you to go find something to do to calm yourselves down.  We’ll talk about it again after dinner.  Be thinking about what part you need to own and why you did what you did.”

After dinner…

Mom:  “I know in the past I’ve usually decided who was at fault when the two of you disagree.  Both of you are getting to the age where you need to start resolving your own problems.  I’m going to try to coach you through the process.  Know that I might stop you and try to teach you a better way to say something.  It might be awkward, but pretend you are at basketball practice and your coach is teaching you a new drill.  Jeremy, why don’t you go first and tell Aubrey just the facts as you saw them today.  Address her directly, not me.”

Jeremy:  “Aubrey, I can’t believe you took my keys today.  You made me feel like an idiot in front of my friends having to chase you down to get them so we could come home.”

Aubrey:  “You act like you are some hot shot at school.  You talk to all your friends as we are getting in the car and it is like I’m some tag along.  I’m invisible to you.  I was trying to get your attention today to tell you something and you told me to shut up.  That really upset me.” 

Jeremy:  “But you…”

Mom:  “Let’s stop right there.  The two of you are getting emotional again.  Take a deep breath.  Let me summarize the facts I heard based on what you both just said.  Both of you were coming out of school and Aubrey was trying to tell you something.  She felt like you weren’t listening so she grabbed your keys and ran off with them.  Jeremy, you chased her down to get them and felt embarrassed because of what Aubrey forced you to do to get the keys back.”

Once there is consensus on the facts,  talk about the why.

Mom:  “Now let’s talk about the why.  Aubrey why don’t you go first”.

Aubrey:  “Jeremy never listens to me.  I took his keys because I wanted to remind him that we needed to stop at the store to pick stuff up for my science project on the way home and he wasn’t listening.  I needed to get his attention somehow.”

Mom:  “Jeremy, Aubrey just told you why she did what she did and how she feels invisible to you.  Rather than tell your side of the story, I’d like you to use words to show her that you care about how she was feeling.”

After Jeremy shows empathy and validates Aubrey, then Mom would coach Aubrey to do the same after Jeremy states his why.  Then they need to apologize to each other.

Once they’ve worked through it, coach them in ways to help keep the problem from happening in the future.  Be thinking, ‘what does Aubrey want in the relationship’ and ‘what does Jeremy want’?  

In this scenario, they both wanted the same thing–respect.

It isn’t until we teach our kids to “put themselves in the other’s shoes” that we can help them develop deep relationships with others. 

Luke 6:37-38; 40

 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”   The student is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like their teacher.”
How often do we judge or condemn our kids without knowing the whole truth?  Teach your kids the skills to resolve their own differences.  After all, don’t we want our teens to mature into adults who act like adults?
Dare you to look at your own style of resolving conflict in your home.  Maybe your scapegoat’s behavior is based on how he sees himself.  Get the skills you need to be the best parent you can be.
“Let go…and Let God”,

I hope you are enjoying some of the content of these blogs.  Know that I want to walk beside you in your parenting and help you think outside the box of the way most of us were parented.  We are raising a new generation of kids who need connection.  With technology, cell phones, and relationships condensed to text, our kids will miss out on the skills of deep relationships unless we teach them the importance of respecting themselves and others.  I don’t know about you, but I’m seeing real authentic relationships becoming a thing of the past.

Will you be part of the Generation Changing movement?  We’d love to have you grab the book With All Due Respect  and go through it with your friends.  It will change the way you look at your role as a parent.  And we promise to make it easy to lead.  You don’t need to be a perfect parent; you don’t need to have perfect kids; and you don’t need to have ever led a group before.

A Small Group Leader’s Guide is also available with questions for group discussion.

It will change your relationships with God, with your spouse, and with your kids.

Dare ya!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dare You to Think Different as you Parent Your Teens

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This week I dared to be different.  

You see, I spoke at an all women’s christian leadership retreat and wore hot pink nails.  Now I know that some of you are saying, “So what?  I do that all the time.”  Others are saying, “You are kidding, right?”

But let me explain further.

I tend to be a conformer.  I don’t want to rock the boat and I don’t want to offend.  I don’t want other people to see something about me and judge me, so I tend to dress conservatively, behave conservatively, and make sure I know my audience before I speak.  After all, I want them to listen.  Right?  

But my daughter taught me something different–something that I think all parents could learn from.

Dare to be yourself.

It is okay to be unique.

So I wore my hot pink nails to the conference in memory of my daughter who loved everything hot pink.  She challenged me to be bold in my thinking, to step out of my comfort zone, and that fun versus conservative can be a good thing.

The christian women attending the retreat were from  different denominations of churches and they dressed in various outfits that may or may not have conformed to a given church’s style.  Some wore shorts, others wore long dresses. I saw long pants and Capri while some wore head coverings.  But regardless, of what we wore, we all had something in common on the inside — the love of Jesus.   

We accepted our differences–without judgment or condemnation.

My question to you is are you trying to make your tweens, teens, or twenty-somethings conform to your idea of how they should dress or act based on possible negative perception by your friends or church?  Are you pushing them to do things your way because you want them to walk, talk, and think like you?

Can we laugh at their hot pink nails, or bold blue hair, or live with the fact that they want to do something outlandish in a fun sort of way?

Or is our identity wrapped up in our kids’ looks or behavior?  Are we trying to clone ourselves?  Or are we wanting to duplicate the people with which we are associated?

A few years ago I picked up a book entitled Bringing Home The Prodigals by Rob Parsons.  I expected the author to give me ways to connect with my challenging child who was making choices that put her in the ‘prodigal’ category.  But as I read the book, I was challenged at all my “rules” as a parent.  I’m challenged to look at “church” from my teen’s perspective.  If church is boxing my child in to conform a certain way, is that what I really want as a parent?  Will that push my kid to be a prodigal?

Yes, it is easier to parent a child who is a “rule follower”.  

But I want to raise kids who are world changers!

I want my kids to follow their calling in life that God lays before them, not what I think the world should be.

I want kids who are dripping with the love of Jesus such that others can see Him.  And sometimes wild and crazy will attract the non-believer and give opportunity to share Jesus in the midst of what we might consider someone else’s chaotic life.

Because of my “prodigal”, people have entered my home who I would never had opportunity to interact with because our lives would never have crossed.  Because of my “prodigal”, drug users have attended my church.  Because of my “prodigal”, people who would have never seen a different side of life have found that there is hope and a different way of living.

 Romans 12:2

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

The bottom line is that God’s will might not be our will.  He may be creating a world changer in your home.  

Dare you to focus on the love of Jesus in your home rather than the rules of conformity.  And if you do, maybe you’ll have kids wildly devoted to Him.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

Interested in leading a parenting Bible study that will have women sharing on a deep level from the beginning?  Want them to walk away with a WOW! experience?  With All Due Respect will do just that and we promise to make it easy to lead.  You don’t need to be a perfect parent; you don’t need to have perfect kids; and you don’t need to have ever led a group before.

A Small Group Leader’s Guide is also available with questions for group discussion. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is Your Home Filled With Laughter?

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When our kids are little it is easy to laugh at the cute things they say and do.  Even during those early years of school we watch with excitement as they encounter new experiences and are filled with wonder.  And then as our kids become tweens and teens the climate in most homes changes.  Instead of laughter, life gets serious — sometimes too serious.

Maybe it’s our kids pushing our patience or their mouthiness that makes us as parents feel the need to control.  I think sometimes we realize that our kids are no longer those sweet, innocent children any more and we become fearful of the possibilities and reality of what could happen if they make the wrong choices.  We push them to strive for excellence in school or in sports because college is looming up ahead and we come to the realization that someone needs to pay for it.

Whatever the circumstance with your teens, take time to fill your home with laughter.

I was talking to a mom a few weeks ago and could feel the weight of heaviness resting on her shoulders.  She was giving me a list of all the things her teenage son wasn’t doing.  It was obvious that mom had certain expectations that her son was not fulfilling.  Blame was heavy as we talked.  She no longer found joy in this son, only condemnation.  Laughter was the furthest thing from her mind.

I’ll admit I’ve been in that place at times.  When our kids are doing things that cause us fear and anxiety it is easy to be so afraid that we can’t find any joy in any moment.  At times it seems they aren’t listening to anything we ask them to do.  That’s when it is time to take our thoughts captive.  It’s when we need to be able to think quickly on our feet in order to turn the difficult moment into a memorable opportunity filled with laughter.  It’s where we show our kids that the joy of the Lord is our strength.

So what can that look like?

  1. When there is conflict in the house, have a family code word.  In our house there is a code word that will bring laughter to any situation.  If we hear siblings arguing, either Dave or I will enter the room and quietly watch the verbal match.  When the right opportunity presents itself, we say the code word and immediately change the subject.  Inevitably, our kids will look at each other, then they’ll look at us, and laughter will fill the air.  Everyone in the family knows the code word and everyone has permission to use it.  It means unhook the bickering and laugh!
  2. Find the positive in every situation.  Even disaster can have a silver lining if we take time to look.  If your teen flunks a class, he’ll have opportunity to prove himself again and learn from the mistake.  If your daughter wrecks the car, she’ll most likely become a more careful driver.  If your teen is still breathing, that is the positive — find joy in that moment.
  3. Be mindful of the now.  Too many times we fearfully get wrapped up in what could happen in the future — won’t get into college, won’t get a scholarship, will end up doing something stupid like alcohol or drugs, or whatever is your greatest fear.  Work on the now and the future will take care of itself.  Find joy in the moment and love your teen right where he is.  Remind yourself that the future is in God’s hands.
  4. Find time to do fun things with your teens.  You know your kids better than anyone.  Try doing some of the things that they like to do with them.  Chances are you’ll bring laughter to the room as you try to lip sync or play one of their video games with them.  I’ll never forget being in the mall with my son as we both tried to do DDR (Dance, Dance Revolution for those who don’t know what that is :))  My son never laughed so hard as I drew a crowd in the mall as the worst player ever.  It’s a great memory for both of us.
  5. Take negative comments and situations and turn them into laughter moments.  My husband, Dave, is the expert at this in our home and I’m working hard on it.  When one of our now 20-somethings comes out with a sharp accusation or negative comment, Dave will take it and put a spin of laughter on it.  Just like Dare 15 in With All Due Respect, quick thinking with a dose of humor can turn a difficult moment into an opportunity to teach respect.

Proverbs 31:25 (NLT)

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

Nehemiah 8:10b

“Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

Dare you to not take life quite so seriously when your kids become tweens and teens.  Humor in the difficulties of life can bring opportunity to model respect and provide teaching opportunities much more than lectures and condemnation.  

“Let go…and Let God”,

Want a way to connect with other Moms?  Why not grab a copy of With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens & Tweens and go through the book together.  Whether your kids are 9 or 29, you’ll find the questions will apply to your parenting.  You can also connect with us in the With All Due Respect eCourse on Facebook.  It’s free for a limited time.

Here’s what Shaunti Feldhahn, Social Researcher and Best Selling Author of For Women Only had to say:

“A spectacular tool for every mom who has heard the advice “be purposeful,” and wondered, “But what does that mean?  This ultra-practical guidebook shows each of us what it means.  Step by step, day by day, this amazing resource will walk each of us into being the godly moms we all deeply want to be, to have the impact on our kids we are all longing for.”

New Year’s Resolutions a Bust? Try A Different Approach!

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For many years I’d set my New Year’s resolutions during the last week of December knowing that I wanted to do better the next year.  I promised to exercise daily and lose those extra pounds choosing to eat healthier.  I’d start cleaning the pantry and fridge assured that I would be better organized the next year.  And I’ll admit that I failed miserably at the challenges I had set for myself.  Something was not included in my planning–the inner me.  The person within that could hijack the best laid plans.

December 2006 was a different year for me.  Surrounded by my calendar, my Bible, and my prayer journal, I knew I wanted something different for the new year.  Things needed to change.  A relationship needed to change.

I was at a defining moment with one of my kids — my prodigal — my “I’m going to do things my way and you can’t stop me, kid”.

Oh, yes, I had tried to stop things.  I had tried to cajole her to a different lifestyle.  I had used every tactic in my arsenal of parenting skills and even with that I wasn’t making an impact.

I had never prayed so hard for a person in my life.

My prayers began with something like this. 

“I know you love her, Lord, even when at times I can’t.  I don’t really mean that.  I do love her with all my heart.  I just want her to live her life differently.  I want her to follow You.  I want her to see You in the midst of her day-to-day.  I want her life to glorify You and I want a relationship with her that says we are on the same team.  You have the power to change her, Lord.  Can you just do that?  Change her heart.”

That December in the quiet stillness of my tear-drenched, agonizing prayer, I felt a nudge deep within me.  “Debbie, you can’t change her.  You’ve tried over and over.  The only person you can change is you.  Start there.  Start with you.”

With that my prayers changed and my focus was different.

“Lord, You are right.  She is Yours.  I’ve tried everything in my power to help her see You and to help her see what she is doing to herself.  I release her to You.  I am choosing to let her go.  This is Your story, not necessarily the way I would write it, but it is Yours.   I know that You have a plan. What do you want from me, Lord?  What do you want me to learn in the middle of this trial and heartache.  I’m here.  Change my heart.  Change me to be the best mom that I can be to her and my other kids.”

That prayer became my New Year’s Resolution.  It wasn’t about what I wanted to accomplish–the weight loss or the organization.  It was about what He wanted to accomplish in and through me.

Beginning in January, I took a different tactic.  I focused on my past–the story that God had written for my life.  What affect was it having as I parented?  The next three months I cried more than I had in years.  I let His story wash over me as I looked at my childhood through adult eyes.  I better understood who I was and who God created me to be.  I also began to realize the pieces that I had brought into my parenting–things I would have never given thought to without the overarching heaviness of my prodigal. 

I began praising God as I continued to go through the trials with my daughter. 

Philippians 4:6  

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, WITH THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God.

There was no doubt that I was changing.  God gave me an empathy for my difficult child that could only come from Him.  He gave me a different perspective and a softness that was willing to endure her gut-wrenching choices and remain by her side.  Rather than the “you are doing this to yourself” speech, I was able to walk through the predicaments she got herself into holding her hand and letting her know that I was there for her.

Whether you are dealing with a prodigal or are just wanting a better relationship with your tweens, teens, and twenty-somethings, the book With All Due Respect:40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with your Teens and Tweens was my journey.  It was the process that changed the inner me.  It helped me see who I was in the relationship and it helped me change the outcome of my relationship with my daughter and my sons as well as my relationship with God.

You see, as much as we’d like to, we can’t change our kids.  However, we do have the capacity to look within and make changes early in the relationship that can make a huge difference in the joy you find in parenting.  The change in you can affect a change in your kids in amazing ways.

Why not start 2018 off with a New Year’s Resolution to focus on your relationships?  I promise that if you do, you’ll see parenting from a totally different perspective and you’ll come to know the story He is writing for your life.

1 John 1:7

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

We’d love to have you start your own mom’s group and go through With All Due Respect starting in January.  If others won’t join you, you can also join our With All Due Respect on-line e-Course that will begin in January.  There you can join women from around the country from the comfort of your home.  You can access the videos and discussion stream at your own convenience.

Dare you to join us as God creates a new “inner” you in 2018.

“Let go…and Let God”,