Tag Archive for: parenting adult children

The Best Gift You Can Give Your 20-Something

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Having had four teenagers under one roof at the same time, I know what it was like to literally feel as though every second was accounted for. I took my role as Mom seriously having given up a corporate job when my kids were little. For me, motherhood became a passion, a calling that I was going to strive to do to the best of my ability. I’ve packed lunches, driven to more sporting events than I care to admit, sat and talked until the wee hours of the morning with an upset teen, attempted to keep the house clean, tried to keep food on the table (that’s hard with three boys to feed!) and, well, you get the picture.

Then all of a sudden, the house got silent…deathly silent. The house stayed clean. There were only two sets of dishes. Laundry could be done in three loads once a week instead of being a full-time job.

I was lucky! I got an inkling of what goes on in those 20-something heads when they first started to leave the nest.

It all began with my oldest, right before he moved out of the house for that permanent transition.

“Mom, what are you going to do with all your time when we’re all gone? You’ve spent your life doing for us. What are you going to do for you?”

It was an innocent question that I thought was so endearing. He was worried about me? I gave him a laundry list of all the things that I needed to catch up on. You know, that list of things you wish you could get done but never have time for while you have kids in the house.

He called me one day about a month or so after moving out. We spent most of time talking about his new job, his apartment, his friends and all the other “new” in his life. After he caught me up on everything that was happening in his world, he asked me, “So, Mom, what did you do today?”

Even though I had accomplished quite a bit by my expectation: cleaned out the closet, paid the bills, fixed three meals and cleaned up the kitchen, had my quiet time, talked to a friend, picked up his brother from school…I could tell he wanted more. He was looking for something exciting in my life.

As I contemplated the conversation later, the light bulb went on! “Oh, I get it! He wants to be free to go live his life now!”

By the time my fourth was leaving for college, I was prepared for the conversation that took place.

“Mom, what are you going to do with all your time when I’m gone? It’s time for you to do something for you!”

I had a plan in place. “I’m going to work for a ministry, Michael. I’m going to do what God is calling me to do.” And I excitedly started sharing my anticipation of the days ahead when he left. His shoulders relaxed–and a smile came to his face–he seemed content.

It was okay to leave.

Now, on days when my kids call, I can share with them how I’ve spent my time. I share with excitement…because they are interested! They want to know that I’m passionately living my life!

What I’ve come to realize is that most kids need the freedom to “fly from the nest” knowing that we’ll have a life outside of theirs. While they are flapping their wings, they want us to soar too. If we are happy and busily engaged in our own lives (of course, still leaving room for them), doing something productive, we’ll still have lots to talk about even though we aren’t intimately involved in the daily activity of their lives.

One of the best gifts we can give our 20-somethings is the assurance that we will thrive even though we aren’t part of their daily lives.

Proverbs 31:28-29

Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”

“Let go…and let God,”


 

Are You Cultivating the Relationship?

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The phone had been silent for several days and Shannon began to worry. Silence usually meant something was going on that her daughter didn’t want her to know about. Silence meant whatever was happening was something that her daughter knew she wouldn’t approve of. Silence meant this chasm would widen, the earth would give way, and then it would all come tumbling out–every unbelievable detail.

Shannon had grown accustomed to the turbulence that accompanied these silent times; they rattled her very soul. Shannon prayed; she sought answers from Scripture; she had given her daughter back to God more times than she could remember. But here she was again, crying out to God for some sort of awakening to occur in her daughter’s life. “Speak to her, Lord,” she uttered once again.

Shannon was learning that she was the one who needed to stay connected to her daughter. Amber needed a steady force in her life. Without Shannon reaching out in Amber’s own mode of communication “texting” or “Facebook – IM”, the telephone lines would continue to remain silent. “Checking in to see how you are doing,” she pounded out on the mini touchscreen. “Just wanted you to know that you are loved.”

“Love you too, Mom” came quickly back on the screen.

“You doing ok?” Shannon responded.

“I guess.” Amber replied. “Call you when I get off work.”

Shannon prayed throughout the day. She prayed for Amber. She prayed for whatever Amber would share with her this evening. She prayed that her responses would always come across as loving.

But silence continued throughout the evening. No call from Amber. Shannon continued to pray for her daughter. She’d try to reconnect again in a few days.

Three days later she sent a text to Amber just to see how she was doing.

The phone rang. “Hi, Mom. Sorry I didn’t call you back the other evening.”

“Honey, that’s okay. I know you’re busy. How’s work going?”

“Fine. How’s Harold doing?”

“He left, Mom.”

“What do you mean, he left”?

“Mom, he moved out.”

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry. How are you feeling about that?”

“I’m so upset–yet part of me is glad he is gone. At least I know what kind of man he really is.”

“What made him decide to leave? You two were starting to talk about marriage.”

“Mom, I guess you’ll find out soon enough anyway. I’m pregnant.”

Shannon took a deep breath. She knew her next words were critical. She could either bring life into her daughter or create an avalanche of destructive feelings into their conversation.

“Honey, I’m not sure how to respond. I’m in shock. I’m going to be a grandmother. How are you feeling about it?”

Ephesians 4:31-32

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and railing, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God also in Christ forgave you.

Sometimes our 20-Somethings make choices that we not only disagree with, but they make choices that will impact our lives in ways we would rather not deal with. Even though it would be easier to write them off saying that they can deal with their own issues (they know our phone number), we need to show them the love of Christ and initiate relationship. Words that come out of our mouths can either incite further anger and rejection or bring healing. We may not always be elated by the news they share, but it is important that we respond with the love of Christ.

Proverbs 16:24

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Dare you to connect with your 20-Something today by speaking words of tenderness to them. Why not send them a text?

“Let go…and let God,”


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Who’s Controlling Your Family?

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Young woman in red dress and man with a glass of wine talking in the cafe or restaurant

Coming home from a 6:00 am men’s group at our church, my husband put his book on the kitchen counter. “Wow! This morning really made me think about how I grew up and the impact moms have on their kid’s lives. They played a video of a Mom’s letter to her son and I felt like they were reading a letter your mother might have written you.”

He certainly had my attention.

Drying my hands on the dishtowel, I knew I wanted to hear more. For my husband to come home that excited about something was an anomaly. He was obviously having an A-ha moment of better understanding our family tree. After 34 years of marriage, four children, and over two decades of parenting blunders, he was beginning to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

“The letter was unbelievable!” he continued. “The mom was obviously pulling out her arsenal of threats to get what she wanted.

Control!

“In the process, she was destroying the relationship with her son and his family. I felt like I was watching a video of our own lives being played out after we got married,” he continued.

Oh my.

As my husband kept sharing the story from class, we began taking stock of our children and our relationships with each of them. We transitioned to talking about what a healthy separation process looked like.

Oh, no!

Daggers to a mother’s heart.

Is there really such a thing as healthy separation?

Many of us grew up with mothers from whom we have never successfully separated. Don’t get me wrong–I’m not saying that having a relationship with your mom or dad is a bad thing. It can be awesome.

But can it be unhealthy?

If you have to choose between Mom and Dad’s advice or your spouse’s desires, do your parents win? Does your family of origin trump your own family’s needs?

Hmm–something to ponder.

As parents we have to figure out how to relinquish control of our kids in a healthy way that will allow them to be men and women of strength and character.

Pausing long enough to take inventory, I was reminded of all the unhealthy things I had done in years previously to convince my family that we needed to honor my parents’ requests.  Or maybe better phrased—demands.

How many times had I felt caught in the middle between my mother and my husband in decisions we made for our kids?  Or my mother and my kids?

And, I’ll admit, sometimes my mom won and my husband lost or grandma won and my kids lost.

Heaven forbid that I disappoint my mother.

Sad, but true.

Ouch.

Several years prior to this conversation with my husband, I had taken a marriage class called Daughters of Sarah. In light of our dialogue, I was now looking at a couple of scriptures from the course in a different light.

Ephesians 5:33b

…And the wife must respect her husband.

 

Matthew 19:5-6

‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?  So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

I wonder if God was potentially thinking about how my mom, dad, or in-laws might get in the way of my husband and me being united in our parenting decisions?

One of my sons had recently married at the time of this conversation with my husband.  I remember well my quiet time that day.

“Lord, please help me not get in the way of my son’s marriage.” I cried out. “Help me to be an encourager–a cheerleader for them to make decisions together without my interference. Help me to allow them to spread their wings—to have their own family that doesn’t feel like I’m a mom butting in to their business.”

“And, please Lord, with the children that are still at home in my care, help me to make decisions on what I think best rather than taking the advice of others.  Help me to put my husband’s suggestions in a higher place of consideration over my mother’s.”

I have started taking that prayer seriously. When my mother starts to chime in about something my kids are doing–my response?

“Mom, I love you dearly, but this is a decision for our immediate family. Be the grandmother and watch from a distance; that’s your role now.”

And if you have married children?

Why not write the couple a letter or note?

  • Tell them how proud you are of both of them.
  • Assure them you will never take sides in their arguments.
  • Explain all you are learning in the parenting process.
  • Let them know that you view both of them as your children.
  • Assure them that you accept their creation of a new family unit–independent from you.
  • Promise that your goal is to make sure that your actions do nothing to come between them.

As parents, we can influence both generations if we are willing to take healthy steps to ensure that each of us is playing our God-ordained role.

DARE YOU to take stock of your relationships with your parents to determine if they are having a healthy impact on your tweens and teens.

DOUBLE DARE YOU to have conversation with your spouse and decide how to let your twenty-somethings go in a healthy way.

Still Learning to do the tough stuff!

“Let go…and let God”,

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In 12 days, you too can start having a more fulfilling relationship with your teens and tweens.  Click here to find out more.

Dare 23 – The Respect Dare for parents of 20-Somethings – Are You Awfulizing?

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Sitting at lunch with Brenda, Nadine couldn’t keep herself from telling her woes.  “I’m just wondering if he will ever graduate from college, let alone get a job!  He’s changed his major three times.  At this rate he’ll be paying off school loans until he’s 40!

She paused briefly to take a sip of water.

I can’t count on one hand how many classes Josh has dropped and he’s lost his academic scholarship.  I’ve told him he needs to get a part-time job, but it seems that he was late on the signups at school to be considered.  I don’t know whether I should just tell him to quit school and get a job or encourage him to finish.”

“How many credits does he need to graduate?” Brenda questioned taking a bite of her salad.

“I’m not even sure at this point.  I think he told me he had a year and a half left.”

“Are his grades pretty good?”

“They’re not bad, but they aren’t great either.”

“What’s his major now?”

“I think he landed on business.”

“Well, that’s a good major.  He should be able to get a job with a business degree.”

“I hope so.  I just know my nephew got a degree in business and he’s waiting tables right now.”

“Oh, that’s too bad.  I know with the economy the way it is a lot of kids are finding themselves in that situation.  Nadine,” Brenda continued, “we’ve been friends for a long time.  I can be honest with you, can’t I?”

“Of course!  What’s up?”

“I’m sensing a pattern in how you look at Josh.”

“How so?”

“Let me ask a question first.  Does Josh remind you of anyone you know?  Maybe someone in your family?”

“Funny you should ask.  He is just like my brother, Greg.  Greg never graduated from college.  He just couldn’t decide what he wanted to do and finally dropped out.  He and Judy have struggled to make ends meet their entire marriage.  He’s been working at a hardware store for almost 20 years!  Not that there is anything wrong with that, it is just that he had so much potential and squandered it.”

“Hmm, that must be hard to see Josh in the same light.”

“It is.  That’s why I worry about him so much.”

“That must be what I’m sensing from you. You seem to want to awfulize Josh’s behavior and decisions.”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“I’m just wondering if because you feel that your brother Greg didn’t make good choices about college, you are afraid that Josh will make some of the same mistakes.”

“Of course I am.  They seem to be two peas in a pod.”

“Nadine, what good comes from imagining the worst with Josh’s decisions?  Who does it affect?  And most important, how is your interaction with Josh when you tend to doubt that he’ll make good choices?”

“That’s a lot to think about.  I guess I do tend to think about what I consider were Greg’s failures.  I’m afraid that Josh will do the same thing.”

“You’re afraid, so you think of the worst thing that could possibly happen with Josh?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“So, who does that affect?”

“I guess me, because I sit around and worry a lot.”

“And how do you interact with Josh?”

“I’ve tried to warn him over and over, but he just doesn’t seem to listen.”

“Nadine, when we always look at our kids through a negative lens, we tend to look at their decisions in the worst possible scenario.  That’s what I was referring to when I said you might be awfulizing.  When we do that, we tend to want to over-parent our kids.  We’re afraid they’ll make a wrong choice or become like, in this case, Josh’s Uncle Greg.  It can impact our relationship with our kids and it can hold them back from really exploring who God made them to be.”

“I never thought of that.  Raising kids can be so scary.  I just want him to graduate so he can get a good job!”

“One of the things that I’ve had to learn while my kids were in college, is to think about these years as a time of exploration.  A friend of mine had a daughter who just knew she wanted to be an English teacher.  She graduated from college, got the perfect job teaching English and literature, and after two years of teaching, she realizes that she hates it.  But now, she feels like she is stuck.  Why not look at Josh through a different lens?  He’s exploring his options now so that he is better equipped to really know that he is in the right profession later.  Yes, he might make some mistakes in the process, but through the mistakes he’ll grow.”

“You’ve certainly given me a lot to think about.  You’re right, I do want a good relationship with Josh and I need to let him be in charge of his decisions.”

Philipians 4:8-9 ESV  

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

“Let go…and let God,”

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Hope you will join Nina Roesner as she provides insight on marriage and Leah Heffner as she blogs to wives with little people as we go through The Respect Dare together.

 

 

Dare 22 – The Respect Dare – A Gift for You and Your 20-Somethings

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Marian walked into the basement looking at all the boxes. Her kids were grown and no longer lived at home, but their stuff still had residence. Not only were there memories galore, but college textbooks, furniture she had saved for their first apartments, and even clothes that her girls had not wanted to part with.

“Ugh! I just want this stuff out of here!” she thought.

She had mentioned to her kids on several occasions that she wanted each to take their belongings with them, but still they lay idle in the basement. She knew there were things her kids would want someday. She also knew that one of her sons might want his things when he returned from overseas. Her one daughter didn’t have enough room for any “extra” non-necessities in her small apartment. On top of all that, she wasn’t sure they would recognize the importance of some of the memories some of the boxes held.

On more than one occasion she had threatened to get rid of it all, but she still hadn’t reconciled it fully in her mind to take the plunge.

However, today she was ready to put her plan into action! Thanks to Linnea’s wisdom, she was ready to start the process.

Sorting the boxes she had a stack for Jimmy, one for Ethan, another for Jared, and finally Eva. Then she had her five boxes for distribution. She decided that she would designate them throw away, give away, give to the kids now, or save for the future. The final one was for “I have no idea what to do with this!”

Before heading into each box, she decided to stack all the furniture in the corner of the basement. Then she sent the text to her kids, “Furniture in the basement has to leave the house by Saturday afternoon. Blue flowered chair, office chair, small desk, two lamps, twin bed with mattress, 2 chests of drawers, small bookcase, coffee table, sofa. Text me if you would like any of these, otherwise they are heading to a new home. If you want something and can’t get it by Saturday, let me know. Love, Mom”

Feeling like she had accomplished enough for her stint in the basement, Marian put a smile on her face as she headed upstairs to fix dinner. She knew she’d pencil in next Thursday on her calendar to tackle the next stage.

Four weeks in a row, Marian had sorted through each kid’s belongings. She couldn’t believe how long it had taken. Tears would come to her eyes as she played through the memories in her mind. Since Jimmy was overseas, she carefully marked each of his boxes and put them on the wired shelves. She’d deal with his when he came home for Christmas.

Armed and ready, she planned a special day for each of her kids to stop by separately for dinner. After dinner, she pulled out their “I have no idea what to do with this” box and went through it with them. Eva came first and quickly assessed what was in her box. Most of its contents would be recycled. After assuring Eva that she had held on to the things that would be precious to her in the future, Maria gave her the box of things that she should have now. “I’ve put some special things away for my grandchildren when you start having children. I know you don’t have space for it now.”

Within the span of six weeks, the basement was clean and organized. Not only that, but she felt at peace that she hadn’t taken it all to the dumpster as she had threatened. She was surprised at how good she felt of not having her children wrestle with going through the boxes on their own. She remembered when Darren’s father has passed away. His mother had given them over twelve boxes of stuff to sort through. “No child should have to do that no matter how old they are,” she chuckled.

1 Corinthians 14:40

But everything should be done in a fitting and orderly way.

Dare you to bless yourself and your children by sorting through belongings of the past. One day soon they will thank you and someday you’ll be easily able to bless your children and grandchildren with memories of the past.

“Let go…and let God,”


Hope you will join Nina Roesner as she provides insight on marriage and Leah Heffner as she blogs to wives with little people as we go through The Respect Dare together.

 


Dare 21 – The Respect Dare – Another Request?!? For Parents of 20-Somethings

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Standing in the laundry room after a few days out of town, Anita was amazed at the piles of laundry that still needed washed, dried, folded, and put away. “This will take me hours!” she voiced to no one who could hear. Having just moved the second load into the washer, she was wistfully looking out the window at the beautiful day when she heard the phone ring in the other room. “Maybe I should pretend that I’m not back yet and go out and sit on the deck with a book,” she laughed to herself hoping to have a quiet day to relax and play catchup from the fun extended weekend with her husband.

Looking at caller ID she recognized the number. Her 23-year old daughter was calling to probably check to see if she was back. Picking up the phone she responded with a cheery “Hi, Kari. How was your weekend?”

“It was just okay. Nothing exciting.”

“What did you do?”

Kari just shared minor snippets. Anita had the impression all Kari really did was work through the weekend. Then the true reason for the call became clear. “Mom, I’m standing here with mountains of dirty laundry and I won’t have enough money this week to go to the Laundromat. I’m off today. I thought maybe I’d swing by and throw a couple of loads in your machine if that is okay.”

“Kari, I’m sorry. I’m doing laundry right now and I’m sure it will take me to the end of the day. Maybe you can do it another day this week?”

“Mom, this is my only day off work this week. I really need some clean underwear.”

“Maybe you could try to wash a few pairs out in your sink and hang them to dry? That should get you through the week.”

“I guess I could do that. I was just hoping to get all my laundry done today.”

“Hmm, that’s too bad. I’m really sorry I didn’t know sooner. I could have potentially postponed a few of my loads. Now I’m in full swing for the day.”

“By the way, any special reason why you are so short on cash this week?”

“Mom, I wasn’t really going to tell you, but Mitch and I decided to go camping on Saturday. It was my first Saturday off in over a month. We ended up in a big fight because he didn’t have enough gas to get us back home. I got stuck with having to fill up his tank which means I don’t have enough money to get through the week.”

“Have you asked him to pay you back?”

“We’re not speaking at the moment.”

“Did you work out the financial arrangements before you left on the campout?”

“I thought we had. Obviously, I was wrong.”

“I’m sorry it didn’t work out how you would have liked. Maybe you will find a way to talk to him this week and work things out.”

Kari chatted a little more bemoaning the woes of her relationship with Mitch. Mom listened intently, offering emotional support that she knew her daughter needed at the moment. As the conversation started waning, she quietly offered to let her mom go back to her laundry.

“Hope you can get enough of your underwear washed by hand to get you through the week,” Mom chuckled. “Let me know if you want to come over another day before work this week and throw in a load or two.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-5

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:

2 A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
3 A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
4 A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;

 

Sometimes as parents of 20-somethings, we are overtly willing to put what we are doing aside to “rescue” our children from natural consequences. In some instances, it does make sense to bail them out even when we know it will cost us something; time, money, or emotional energy. Other times, they need to learn to make-do with what they have at their disposal and learn to manage their time and resources better without always running to Mom and Dad for last minute bailouts. Either way, don’t forget to fill the emotional tank.:)

Dare you to discern what lessons your 20-something needs to learn on their own while still striving to keep the relationship intact.

“Let go…and let God,”


Hope you will join Nina Roesner as she provides insight on marriage and Leah Heffner as she blogs to wives with little people as we go through The Respect Dare together.