Tag Archive for: Parenting the adopted child.

6 Parenting Lies That Can Affect Your Marriage

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Most parents struggle with priorities.  It doesn’t matter if you have one child or several kids, orchestrating a balanced life sometimes seems next to impossible.  Juggling housework, job, kids, homework, activities, and a spouse is enough to make anyone’s life seem thrown off kilter at times. Add to that a kid who isn’t fairing well in his current circumstances and emotionally we’re pulled toward that child over the rest of the family.

I would know.  Living a balanced life with four kids under my roof was a challenge for me.  I not only believed some of the lies that permeate our culture but I could also put that struggling child’s needs first as well as easily get wrapped up in the spotlight of the successful child’s endeavors.

Here are some of the lies I embraced as well as others I am seeing parents put into action:

  • My job is to create a happy life for my kids.
  • I need to offer my kids every opportunity to be all they can be.
  • I need to watch every game, recital, or activity to let my kids know that I’m here for them.
  • I should put all my energy into the kids since they’ll be gone before I know it.
  • I can “fix” the child who is struggling if I just try harder.
  • I’m the mom, I know what’s best for my child better than anyone else, including my husband.

Whatever plays out in your parenting, know that these are lies the enemy would love us to embrace.  If we do, we’ll be exhausted and so child-focused that there will be no hope of balance, especially as our kids move into the teen years.  We can become so enamored with each new stage of discovery with them reliving our own childhood or  we can become so focused with the fear of what they will choose that we become the overzealous parent trying to keep that child from crossing the lines.  Either way, balance will be skewed.

But where does that leave our marriage?  Does our spouse fall outside the priority box because of our parenting? Do we choose to prioritize our kid’s needs, desires, or whims, over the person who should be our soulmate?

It is easy to become so kid centered in our parenting that our spouse can sit on the sidelines barely on our radar.  There are moments when you pass in the wind telling the other person that you’ll see them at the end of the 18 year kid commitment.  “They’ll be off on their own before you know it” becomes yet another lie that we believe as we push our relationship with our spouse into some far off future.

Do we take time to cultivate our relationship as two parents working side by side or do we bark orders and cast blame when it comes to how our spouse interacts with the kids?

Our family has been under a tremendous amount of stress.  Not only did we lose our daughter suddenly, but I have a son who has been in tremendous physical pain with no medical answers.  Finances have been challenging due to expenses we could never have begun to anticipate.  Tension has been high.  Yet, peace is permeating my thoughts.  I recognize it as a peace that can only come from God.  But yet I’ve gained a new awareness that the peace also stems from somewhere else–someone else.  That peace comes in knowing that my soulmate is here to soothe the anxiety in my soul.  We’re on the same page with the goal of running the race, together.

The thing I want to communicate is that as your kids move into junior high and high school, there will be conflict.  Chances are that you and your spouse will have very different ideas on what your children should and should not be allowed to do. It puts pressure on the family, especially the marriage.  If your spouse is not a priority and if you’ve not begun communicating early about how the two of you will navigate those rocky roads of the parenting journey, then not only will the parenting lies have you focused on the wrong priorities, but your marriage will most likely come under attack.

1 Peter 5:8

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

As I look around today at the stress on parents to have perfect kids or kids who at least think like their parents do, it is no wonder that divorce is high.  Add to that the number of parents who are worried about potential issues of alcohol, drugs, pregnancy, cutting, same-sex relationships, suicide, and a host of other issues that plague our kids today, it’s no wonder that our lives are out of balance.

Dare you to looks at the balance in this stage of your life.  Focus on becoming a united team as husband and wife as you parent your kids.  By doing so you will not only have someone to grow old with once the kids have moved out, but you’ll be modeling balance and a good marriage to a generation that needs to know that a successful marriage is possible even when trouble comes.

“Let go…and let God”,

If it is time for you to make a concerted effort to parent together, why not start with With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens & Tweens .  It is a great book to start the parenting discussion on 40 different parenting topics. 

Or, if your husband won’t participate, then try getting a group of moms together.  You’ll find ways to encourage each other whether dad is involved in your kid’s lives or if you are parenting alone.  Either way, we know that your relationship with your teens and tweens will be more fulfilling than it is today.

Dare you!

 

 

 

Does Your Kid Make You Feel Like You Can Do Nothing Right?

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Last week I felt like everything I did for one of my kids was met with sarcasm, frustration, or anger.  The typical jokes we had between us, the acts of kindness I did, and every time I seemed to open my mouth it was met with a snarl of “you never…” or “you always…”.  I couldn’t win.

Having had four kids under my roof, I’ve learned to try different things to get to the root of the issue.  This time was no different.

I fixed a special breakfast one morning.  No change.

A special treat from the grocery store.  No change.

I tried talking about it.  More anger.

Going for a walk with him.  Good conversation about the weather and general topics — but no change.

And then I decided to wait.  

I didn’t totally avoid him (after all we were living in the same house), but I did my thing and he did his.  I didn’t go out of my way to seek resolution.  (After all, I had already tried that and it hadn’t worked).  So I waited.

If he needed something, he had to come to me.

And I continued to wait.  (Difficult for me as a mom who wants to solve the problem now.)

One evening as the two of us were together standing in the kitchen with no one else home, the words came tumbling out of his mouth.  He shared his fears and his assumptions about how I was handling a situation.

I listened–I mean really listened.  

The words kept coming as if pent up emotion had been there for years — and in all reality it had.  A feeling he had almost a decade before had been triggered by a choice I had made two weeks earlier.  My son had tied that feeling of 10 years ago to a situation I was facing today.  As a result he was making assumptions.  Assumptions that I was responding the same way I had all those years ago.

And he was angry, frustrated, and filled with fear.

A-ha!  Now I knew what was troubling him.  

Rather than tell my side of the story, which is where my true now I can fix-it nature likes to go.  Thankfully I paused long enough to know what I should really do in moments like this.

I empathized.  I apologized for what he experienced earlier.  I made sure that he felt heard and affirmed.

Then I asked a critical question.  “I know you were hurt years ago, and I know that the decision I made this time feels the same way to you, and I’m sorry.  Would it be okay if I share why I think this time is different from last time?”

Notice that I asked permission to talk.

What I’ve learned is that when there is a disconnect between two people, asking their permission to tell them how you see the situation differently creates two things — an acknowledgement that you heard them and an understanding that you want to create a “safe” place for them.

If my son had said no to my question, I would have honored that and ended the conversation with something like “I know that this has been difficult for you and I respect that.  I do feel like the situation today is very different from what you experienced in the past.  When you are ready to talk about it let me know and I’ll share how I see things now.”

Thankfully my son agreed to let me share what I was thinking about the current circumstances.  Once he was able to hear my heart, the climate changed between us.  The sarcasm, the frustration, and the anger seem to be gone.  Mutual respect has re-entered our relationship because we now understand each other’s reasons for our choices and behavior.

Without the empathy and respect piece, we don’t create safety for the other person in the relationship.  This derails our conversations and keeps us from getting to the root cause.  Instead we typically try to justify or at least explain our side of the story which makes things unsafe for the other person.

I’ll admit that typically I’m terrible about making sure I validate the other person.  I just want to fix the problem and move on.  However, we need to remember that conflict resolved well (with empathy, validation, and safety), creates a more intimate relationship.  

I’ve given my son permission to give me a cue when I head down the path of justifying my actions before I’ve made sure he has been heard.  It’s humbling to see how many times I get it wrong.  That said, I want to grow in my relationships with others–especially with my kids.

Proverbs 19:11

A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.

Dare you to  look at how you respond when your kid seems frustrated or angry at you.  Empathize, validate, and create safety to mend and create a more fulfilling relationship.

“Let go…and let God”,