Tag Archive for: Troubled Teens

How Does Your Family Communicate?

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It’s easy as parents to try to communicate with all our children the same.  And typically, we tend to communicate with our kids in the way we grew up.  Some families look at communication as a way to make sure their kids are tough, resilient, and able to withstand whatever life sends their way.

But should we put more thought into the way we communicate with our family?

Are we aware, truly aware, of the sensitivity of some of our kids?  What might be considered joking and fooling around to one of our kids might actually feel like bullying to another–a feeling of not measuring up.

I came from a family where put-downs were commonplace.  With five brothers, the game of one-upsmanship was a daily endeavor and as the only girl I learned to  play it well.  Then, I  married into a family where sarcasm was a sport.  Quick wit resulted in words spoken with a hint of sting.  During our dating years I didn’t know quite how to handle the ridicule, but it didn’t take long for me to learn how to dish it out with the best of them.  Words rolled off my tongue as slippery glass ready to take down the next opponent.  

I’ll admit that at times the sarcasm continued even after we had kids.  My husband and I had continued our families’ traditions mainly because that is what we’d learned as normal family behavior.  Neither of us were the sensitive type so we’d usually laugh, pretend that we were keeping score, and move on to the next opportunity for a take down.

But then we witnessed the same behavior in our kids.

Ouch! Talk about seeing yourself in the mirror!

Noticing the same behavior from our kids gave us a wake-up call.  Dave and I joked about how we were trying to get the genie back in the bottle.  It took work, lots of work, to teach our kids to treat each other with kindness and respect instead of sarcasm and contempt.  Some learned better than others.

We noticed that a couple of our kids were more sensitive than the others to the verbal sarcasm that was hurled.  Others relished in the game.  It became a juggling act of the right consistency of discipline for the abuser and empathy for the one with hurt feelings.

A few weeks ago it hit me as our pastor spoke on Sunday morning about relationships and the need to communicate appropriately to the receiver.  

Do we communicate as we’ve been taught to communicate growing up (as in one-upsmanship language or sarcasm and contempt), or do we communicate in a way the other person needs to hear?

Here’s another way to think about it.  Are we speaking to hear ourselves or are we communicating to be heard from the other person.

Hmm…something to ponder.

Our pastor used the analogy of talking with his two kids.  With his son he needs to be very direct–laying out the process, making sure he understands.  But his daughter is more sensitive.  Speaking to her in the same way he speaks to his son would crush her sensitive spirit.  She needs the language of respect.

Oh my, do we crush our kid’s sensitive spirit with what we see as humor?  Is our humor borderline bullying masked in sarcasm?  Are we crushing our children’s sensitive spirit and allowing siblings to do the same without much intervention because we don’t know what to do? 

Old habits are difficult to extinguish even though I’ve worked hard to wipe sarcasm from my lips.  When I’m back with my brothers, I can easily slip back into my old ways of communicating and have to ask God for forgiveness.  At times I see the old patterns slip in with my now adult children.  

Romans 7:15

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

Just last week I found myself saying something that rolled off my tongue before I gave it thought.  Really?  After almost 30 years of trying to rid myself of this habit it reared it’s ugly head.

1 Peter 2:1

Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind.

I repented and asked the person for forgiveness.  I even confessed my sin to my husband, Dave–after all, this is something that we’ve both worked hard on over the years.

And then my husband shared with me about what he calls his GEL project.

He’s become more aware of the ease with which our adult children have slipped into our old patterns now that we all live in the same city and are together more.  Yes, they’re adults, but we’re still trying to teach in a relationship-type way.  Here’s our new mantra.

  • “G” stands for grace.  Grace that we extend to the person who violates the ” no one-upsmanship or sarcasm” new family tradition.  We also remind that person that they need to extend grace to the person who they feel the need to put down.  All we have to do is say the word grace and the offender knows what we are talking about.
  • “E” stands for empathy.  Each of us needs to extend empathy to the other person for the mistakes they make, for not measuring up, or for things that sometimes happen to them.  We learn to understand the feelings the other person has and listen when they voice their frustration of the words spoken to them.  Empathy is especially needed in communicating with those who are more sensitive.
  • “L” stands for love.  We love each other as 1 Corinthians 13:4-7  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Dare you to look at the way your family communicates and take action on whatever needs to change.  Maybe you should institute a GEL project in your home.   Awareness of how we are to treat others will not only change the culture in our homes, but if we can teach our kids to take it out into the world, who knows what changes might happen.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Interested in leading a parenting Bible study that will have women sharing on a deep level from the beginning?  Want them to walk away with a WOW! experience?  With All Due Respect will do just that and we promise to make it easy to lead.  You don’t need to be a perfect parent; you don’t need to have perfect kids; and you don’t need to have ever led a group before.

Dare ya!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is Your Home Filled With Laughter?

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When our kids are little it is easy to laugh at the cute things they say and do.  Even during those early years of school we watch with excitement as they encounter new experiences and are filled with wonder.  And then as our kids become tweens and teens the climate in most homes changes.  Instead of laughter, life gets serious — sometimes too serious.

Maybe it’s our kids pushing our patience or their mouthiness that makes us as parents feel the need to control.  I think sometimes we realize that our kids are no longer those sweet, innocent children any more and we become fearful of the possibilities and reality of what could happen if they make the wrong choices.  We push them to strive for excellence in school or in sports because college is looming up ahead and we come to the realization that someone needs to pay for it.

Whatever the circumstance with your teens, take time to fill your home with laughter.

I was talking to a mom a few weeks ago and could feel the weight of heaviness resting on her shoulders.  She was giving me a list of all the things her teenage son wasn’t doing.  It was obvious that mom had certain expectations that her son was not fulfilling.  Blame was heavy as we talked.  She no longer found joy in this son, only condemnation.  Laughter was the furthest thing from her mind.

I’ll admit I’ve been in that place at times.  When our kids are doing things that cause us fear and anxiety it is easy to be so afraid that we can’t find any joy in any moment.  At times it seems they aren’t listening to anything we ask them to do.  That’s when it is time to take our thoughts captive.  It’s when we need to be able to think quickly on our feet in order to turn the difficult moment into a memorable opportunity filled with laughter.  It’s where we show our kids that the joy of the Lord is our strength.

So what can that look like?

  1. When there is conflict in the house, have a family code word.  In our house there is a code word that will bring laughter to any situation.  If we hear siblings arguing, either Dave or I will enter the room and quietly watch the verbal match.  When the right opportunity presents itself, we say the code word and immediately change the subject.  Inevitably, our kids will look at each other, then they’ll look at us, and laughter will fill the air.  Everyone in the family knows the code word and everyone has permission to use it.  It means unhook the bickering and laugh!
  2. Find the positive in every situation.  Even disaster can have a silver lining if we take time to look.  If your teen flunks a class, he’ll have opportunity to prove himself again and learn from the mistake.  If your daughter wrecks the car, she’ll most likely become a more careful driver.  If your teen is still breathing, that is the positive — find joy in that moment.
  3. Be mindful of the now.  Too many times we fearfully get wrapped up in what could happen in the future — won’t get into college, won’t get a scholarship, will end up doing something stupid like alcohol or drugs, or whatever is your greatest fear.  Work on the now and the future will take care of itself.  Find joy in the moment and love your teen right where he is.  Remind yourself that the future is in God’s hands.
  4. Find time to do fun things with your teens.  You know your kids better than anyone.  Try doing some of the things that they like to do with them.  Chances are you’ll bring laughter to the room as you try to lip sync or play one of their video games with them.  I’ll never forget being in the mall with my son as we both tried to do DDR (Dance, Dance Revolution for those who don’t know what that is :))  My son never laughed so hard as I drew a crowd in the mall as the worst player ever.  It’s a great memory for both of us.
  5. Take negative comments and situations and turn them into laughter moments.  My husband, Dave, is the expert at this in our home and I’m working hard on it.  When one of our now 20-somethings comes out with a sharp accusation or negative comment, Dave will take it and put a spin of laughter on it.  Just like Dare 15 in With All Due Respect, quick thinking with a dose of humor can turn a difficult moment into an opportunity to teach respect.

Proverbs 31:25 (NLT)

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

Nehemiah 8:10b

“Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

Dare you to not take life quite so seriously when your kids become tweens and teens.  Humor in the difficulties of life can bring opportunity to model respect and provide teaching opportunities much more than lectures and condemnation.  

“Let go…and Let God”,

Want a way to connect with other Moms?  Why not grab a copy of With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens & Tweens and go through the book together.  Whether your kids are 9 or 29, you’ll find the questions will apply to your parenting.  You can also connect with us in the With All Due Respect eCourse on Facebook.  It’s free for a limited time.

Here’s what Shaunti Feldhahn, Social Researcher and Best Selling Author of For Women Only had to say:

“A spectacular tool for every mom who has heard the advice “be purposeful,” and wondered, “But what does that mean?  This ultra-practical guidebook shows each of us what it means.  Step by step, day by day, this amazing resource will walk each of us into being the godly moms we all deeply want to be, to have the impact on our kids we are all longing for.”

New Year’s Resolutions a Bust? Try A Different Approach!

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For many years I’d set my New Year’s resolutions during the last week of December knowing that I wanted to do better the next year.  I promised to exercise daily and lose those extra pounds choosing to eat healthier.  I’d start cleaning the pantry and fridge assured that I would be better organized the next year.  And I’ll admit that I failed miserably at the challenges I had set for myself.  Something was not included in my planning–the inner me.  The person within that could hijack the best laid plans.

December 2006 was a different year for me.  Surrounded by my calendar, my Bible, and my prayer journal, I knew I wanted something different for the new year.  Things needed to change.  A relationship needed to change.

I was at a defining moment with one of my kids — my prodigal — my “I’m going to do things my way and you can’t stop me, kid”.

Oh, yes, I had tried to stop things.  I had tried to cajole her to a different lifestyle.  I had used every tactic in my arsenal of parenting skills and even with that I wasn’t making an impact.

I had never prayed so hard for a person in my life.

My prayers began with something like this. 

“I know you love her, Lord, even when at times I can’t.  I don’t really mean that.  I do love her with all my heart.  I just want her to live her life differently.  I want her to follow You.  I want her to see You in the midst of her day-to-day.  I want her life to glorify You and I want a relationship with her that says we are on the same team.  You have the power to change her, Lord.  Can you just do that?  Change her heart.”

That December in the quiet stillness of my tear-drenched, agonizing prayer, I felt a nudge deep within me.  “Debbie, you can’t change her.  You’ve tried over and over.  The only person you can change is you.  Start there.  Start with you.”

With that my prayers changed and my focus was different.

“Lord, You are right.  She is Yours.  I’ve tried everything in my power to help her see You and to help her see what she is doing to herself.  I release her to You.  I am choosing to let her go.  This is Your story, not necessarily the way I would write it, but it is Yours.   I know that You have a plan. What do you want from me, Lord?  What do you want me to learn in the middle of this trial and heartache.  I’m here.  Change my heart.  Change me to be the best mom that I can be to her and my other kids.”

That prayer became my New Year’s Resolution.  It wasn’t about what I wanted to accomplish–the weight loss or the organization.  It was about what He wanted to accomplish in and through me.

Beginning in January, I took a different tactic.  I focused on my past–the story that God had written for my life.  What affect was it having as I parented?  The next three months I cried more than I had in years.  I let His story wash over me as I looked at my childhood through adult eyes.  I better understood who I was and who God created me to be.  I also began to realize the pieces that I had brought into my parenting–things I would have never given thought to without the overarching heaviness of my prodigal. 

I began praising God as I continued to go through the trials with my daughter. 

Philippians 4:6  

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, WITH THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God.

There was no doubt that I was changing.  God gave me an empathy for my difficult child that could only come from Him.  He gave me a different perspective and a softness that was willing to endure her gut-wrenching choices and remain by her side.  Rather than the “you are doing this to yourself” speech, I was able to walk through the predicaments she got herself into holding her hand and letting her know that I was there for her.

Whether you are dealing with a prodigal or are just wanting a better relationship with your tweens, teens, and twenty-somethings, the book With All Due Respect:40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with your Teens and Tweens was my journey.  It was the process that changed the inner me.  It helped me see who I was in the relationship and it helped me change the outcome of my relationship with my daughter and my sons as well as my relationship with God.

You see, as much as we’d like to, we can’t change our kids.  However, we do have the capacity to look within and make changes early in the relationship that can make a huge difference in the joy you find in parenting.  The change in you can affect a change in your kids in amazing ways.

Why not start 2018 off with a New Year’s Resolution to focus on your relationships?  I promise that if you do, you’ll see parenting from a totally different perspective and you’ll come to know the story He is writing for your life.

1 John 1:7

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

We’d love to have you start your own mom’s group and go through With All Due Respect starting in January.  If others won’t join you, you can also join our With All Due Respect on-line e-Course that will begin in January.  There you can join women from around the country from the comfort of your home.  You can access the videos and discussion stream at your own convenience.

Dare you to join us as God creates a new “inner” you in 2018.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

6 Things You Can Do When Your Teens Don’t Listen

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Do you ever feel stuck with your kids?  Are you tired of hounding them to do something only to find that you have become the barbaric person you swore you would never be?  The volume in the room raises, your voice takes on a gruff “I mean it” tone, your hands are on your hips in a power stance, and then you start with the ultimatums.  “If you don’t take care of this right now I’m taking away your phone for a month.”  By this time you are practically screaming at your kid and most likely he is screaming back.

You get the picture.

Or, maybe a slightly different scenario plays out in your home.  You tell your kid to do something.

Nothing happens.

You repeat yourself and nothing happens.

This goes on for several days and you do one of two things.  You either take care of it yourself or you choose to drop it — and life goes on as if nothing happened.  You’ve chosen to not fight the battle because it is too hard, your tired of it, and you aren’t getting anywhere anyway so why bother.

Either outcome is a losing proposition.  Loss for you and loss for your child.  Both can significantly damage your relationship.

In the first scenario, we lose credibility as an adult.  After all, we certainly aren’t acting like an adult who is in control of our emotions and at times our words.  What we are modeling for our kids is that when I don’t get what I want I’ll get angry and exercise my authority over you to get it.  I’ll take the things away that you love and hopefully you’ll realize that you have nothing and will start doing what I ask you to do.  In other words, we exercise control and they respond out of fear.

In the second story-line, we also lose credibility as an adult but in a different way.  We teach our kids that they can manipulate us and our words mean nothing.  We give them all the power because it’s just easier to throw in the towel to keep peace.  The real problem here is that our kids don’t learn to do the chore or follow through with responsibility.  They don’t learn to own what is theirs to own.

I don’t know about you but I’ve found myself in both of these situations from time to time.  Think of these scenes as two extremes on a pendulum.  One extreme is “I will control at all cost and you will do what I ask you to do or else”.  The other extreme is “I’m tired of the fight and I recognize that you have more stamina than I do so I give up.”.

So what are the ways we can get beyond these extremes?  How can we move toward a home where we don’t have these standoff escapades that damage the relationship?  After all, we do want influence over our kids.

Start with respect.  Respect for yourself and respect for your teen.

So what does that look like?

  1. Focus on the relationship before the problem.  Talk about the issue with a win/win mentality.  Make sure that your child understands that you are both on the same team.  You aren’t asking them to clean up their room for you.  You are asking them to clean up the room for themselves and for the good of “team family”.  One way to start the conversation might go like this:  “It won’t be long until you’ll be on your own.  One of my jobs as a parent is to help you become successful in the role of an adult.  You want that too don’t you?”  Camp out here for a little while.  Maybe find out what they think being an adult means.  Rather than launching into the fact that they need to keep their room clean, you say something like “Why don’t you and I take some time to think about what taking on a more adult role in this family might look like and let’s talk about it next week.  One of the things I see with adults is that they have responsibility but they also get freedom with that responsibility.  What might  that look like as you think about the next few years you have here at home?  Maybe we’ll go out for ice cream next week to talk about it.  Would you like that?”
  2. Apologize and admit your struggle in being a parent.  If you’ve been a pendulum swinger (like the two scenarios I mentioned), apologize.  We don’t always get it right.  After all, we didn’t get a parenting manual when our kids were born.  We didn’t know what we didn’t know and now its time to push the reset button in how we’ve approached parenting.  Let your teen know that you are learning some new skills and that you want to try to be better at respecting them.  Let them know that you want to work harder at helping them become adults.
  3. Listen and validate.  My guess is that if you go get that ice cream with your teen you’ll hear all about the “freedom” your kid wants and very little of the responsibility.  That’s okay!  Just listen, validate their ideas and desires, share stories of when you were their age and wanted those same freedoms.  Again, camp out in their world of talk about adulthood.  AND be sure to not use the word “but” while they are talking.  As parents we often want to discount what they say or make them realize that their ideas are not where we are.  “But” says I’m not listening.  “But” says I’m right and you are wrong.  “But” says I don’t respect your ideas.
  4. Ask permission to share how you see adulthood.  Here’s your chance to finally communicate what you need from your child.  If you need them to clean their room, then let them know why that skill is important in becoming an adult.  Here are a few things you might want to share:  adulthood means that they can take care of themselves and own what is theirs to own; it means that they are part of the team that needs to be responsible for their chores (by the way, if Dad isn’t pitching in somewhere this might be a tough sell).  It means when they move to college that they aren’t fighting with their roommate over the mess they’ve made.  It means when they get married they don’t expect their spouse to pick up after them.  This is their practice time for the future.
  5. Get buy in.  Help your teen understand that with responsibility comes freedom.  This is the part they will love.  What freedom are they trying to earn? (You probably heard all about it while you were listening to them talk.)  If it is something you can give in response to them doing their chores, offer it up.  In the room example say something like, “If I see that you are taking responsibility over keeping your room clean, maybe we’ll look at letting you have some friends over on Friday nights to play games (or whatever freedom you want to give).  Let’s give it a month or so and see what happens.  It’s September now.  If by mid-November you are keeping up your end of the bargain, come see me and we’ll talk about it.”
  6. Pay attention.  The hard part of parenting is sometimes taking notice and giving feedback in the interim phase.  Give them a high-five when you notice their room is picked up or tell them “good job” on the room.  If the room isn’t clean say something like, “I see you are struggling with keeping your room clean, what can I do to help you be successful?”  This communicates “I’m here for you.  I’m on your team.  We both want the same thing–mature adult.”  If they are successful over time, be sure to give them their freedom.  If not, don’t let them off the hook.  Set up another time-bound opportunity and tell them you’ll re-evaluate again in a month.  Remember, the goal is their success!

2 Timothy 1:7

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

Dare you to look at how you act when your kids don’t follow through on your requests.  If you are reacting at either extreme of the pendulum, try responding with respect for you and your teen.  Give freedom for your kid’s success in handling responsibility.  If you do, maturity will emerge and there’ll be less frustration as you parent.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Want to learn more about communicating with respect with your tweens and teens?  Grab a group of moms and go through our book With All Due Respect:  40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens & Tweens or give the book as a Christmas gift to you child’s teacher.    Here’s what one mom had to say about it.

Debbie Hitchcock & Nina Roesner, I cannot thank you enough for With All Due Respect! I have decided you guys need a new target market—TEACHERS of Tweens/Teens. The teachers that don’t know how to properly communicate to teens are making it very difficult for this mama.

 

 

Parenting Focus – Integrating Heart and Mind

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I’m in the middle of three books which, if you know me, is highly unusual for this linear thinker.  The thing for me is that none of them are remotely connected–or so I thought.

Today, I had the A-ha that God has me focused here for a reason.  Each of these books is focused on the mind.  One goal I have for myself is to have the mind of Christ as I parent.  I want to see the world as He sees it.  I want to be focused on His will, His priorities, and His values.  Isn’t that what we want for our children as well?

As I think about the christian parenting books that I’ve read through the years, most of them talk about capturing the child’s heart. Know that love and a desire to obey have to come from the heart.

 Luke 6:45

The good person out of the good treasure of the heart produces good, and the evil person out of evil treasure produces evil; for it is out of the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks.

When our hearts are in the right place, a place of humility in reverence to God, we can parent with grace.

Ron Deal author of The Smart Step-Family shares a scripture that I have never really thought about from a parenting perspective.

1 Peter 5:5

…dress yourselves in humility as you relate to one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.

Think about that as a parent.  When we relate to our kids as if we have all the answers, they tend to push back in opposition.  However, when we give grace and approach them with humility, they are much more likely to give us grace in return.  Humility helps forge the relationship.

Working on the heart of the child means that we are developing relationship such that they want to do what is right and pleasing because they can feel our love and acceptance of them being a distinct person separate from us.  It means having more positive interactions than negative.  Focusing on the good in our child rather than always pointing out what they are doing wrong allows our kids to develop in a way that is positive and healthy.

But scripture also tells us in Matthew 22:37, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.

I find it interesting that there don’t seem to be as many christian books out there that focus on developing our children’s mind.  I’m guessing that the reason might be that most of us already do so much to educate and teach our children the things that we value.  I remember when my kids were little they heard my husband say over and over, “We’re Hitchcock’s, we’re good at math, reading and tennis.”  In addition, we did an Awana program that focused on scripture memory hoping they would understand what it means to focus our minds on Christ.  As Christian parents most of us spend lots of time trying to help our kids develop their minds.

I find the latest research on brain development fascinating as it relates to how we relate to our teens.  Most know that our brains don’t fully mature until somewhere in the mid-twenties.  For parents of tweens and teens, it means we can still help our kids develop their minds while they are still under our roof and beyond. Our focus needs to make sure that we help our teens integrate both the cognitive and emotional sides of the brain.

Learning empathy, compassion, and other relationship skills (the right side of the brain) is very different from learning rote memorization of facts and the logical way to solve problems that occurs in the left.  When used in harmony both sides of the brain will help our kids develop what the Bible refers to as wisdom.

Dr. David Jeremiah in his study What Do You Think? reminds us that in the ancient Hebrew language, wisdom meant “skill”.  As we consider the use of the word in our parenting, it means our job is to help give our kids the “skills” to connect emotionally and logically in a way that will help create new pathways in the brain to forge better relationships.

Unfortunately in today’s culture, relationship skills are taking a back seat to technology communicated through text and pictures rather than face-to-face communication.  Assumptions are made without the opportunity to see a person’s body language, tone of voice, or facial expressions.  It means that our kid’s brains are being wired with shorter attention span and the inability to use both the logical and emotional sides of the brain at the same time because part of the “data” is missing from the interaction.

Bonding with our child’s heart becomes the ‘glue’ that helps connect our child to us so that we can help them develop the mind of Christ.  This means we teach them both skills that develop the emotional side of the brain as well as help them fill the cognitive side with God’s Word.  Then as we live life under the same roof we can model the empathy, compassion, and grace necessary to integrate a whole person helping them to connect words with action.

I love how Dr. Jeremiah puts it in his  What Do You Think? study, “We have to be very careful that we don’t lose sight of those things that create wisdom in our life — time, reflection, experience, correction, and meditation upon God’s Word.  We need information, but after that, we don’t need more information.  We need to allow God the opportunity to create wisdom in our life.  And it takes discipline in our digital age to turn off the electronics long enough to process the knowledge we already have.”

Dare you to become aware of whether your parenting actions line up with God’s Word.  Do you approach your tweens, teens, and 20-somethings with humility that will draw you closer together?  If you do, the relationships in your home will be more fulfilling and there will be less opposition during the teen stage of life.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Do you feel inadequate in fostering the relationship skills that you so desire with your kids?  Maybe you are just tired of parenting and the constant struggle is wearing you down.  We have two opportunities for you.

  1. Why not grab a group of moms and go through our book With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship With Your Teens & Tweens.  This book will give you the opportunity to (like Dr. Jeremiah says) create wisdom in your parenting.  It is an opportunity to spend time and reflect as you meditate upon God’s Word.  It’s a great Bible Study tool or can be used as a 40 Day Devotional.
  2. If you want to learn “skills” that help create wisdom in your kids, know that we run a once a year three day workshop that will help you deflate defensiveness in your home with the people you love.  It’s called the Titus 2 Leadership Experience.  Here’s what one participant had to say:

“I am a preacher’s daughter who was born and raised in the church. I’ve been to countless women’s retreats. This is different! I’ve never experienced Christian women and leaders be so REAL with each other. God is doing something special with this ministry. My marriage and my family are being transformed. Most importantly, God is growing me. I highly recommend that you come see and experience this amazing Boot Camp for yourself!”

What Culture Do You Need to Counter with Your Teens?

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We are all familiar with the warnings that are written to parents about the need to counter the American culture with our kids.  Cell phones, gaming, clothing styles, piercings, tattoos, parties, friend’s, and the amount of freedom we give all come under scrutiny as we try to raise Christian kids in a culture that sometimes goes against the truth of scripture.

As I was giving this some thought, it occurred to me that sometimes we need to counter the culture to which we have become accustomed.  The things we sometimes take as truths that if we really thought deeply about them we might see things from a different perspective.

Many times as parents we automatically think that what was right for us as kids is how we should parent our kids.  If our parents gave a certain amount of freedom in an area then we automatically do the same without thought to the different world our kids live in today.  If we went to public school, or private school, or we home schooled then we’ll most likely do the same without thought to what might be best for our child.  If we grew up with “the teacher knows best” or “the rule is the rule”, we might not consider that there is a better alternative.

My point here is that sometimes the culture we need to counter might be within our own families of origin and the things we’ve come to believe.   I’ve talked to many parents who have chosen to counter the culture in which they grew up–sometimes to the frustration and verbal outcry of their parents.  I’ve even witnessed grandparents who have tried to bribe their grandchildren into trying to talk parents into doing things the way they think the grandchildren should be raised.  Countering the culture might be standing firm on what you feel God is calling you to do as you raise the children in which he has entrusted you.  

Another area we might consider is countering the culture of the church in which we attend.  I know that I’ll probably get some push back here, but hear me out.  Sometimes there is an underlying culture even within the church that is not accepting of parenting decisions other than what the body (or the loudest person) thinks is right.  If as a parent you feel shamed, or held to a standard that doesn’t seem right for your child, it might be time to take a stand or leave.  I’ve seen church environments that can impact our teens negatively because the rules (sometimes unspoken) have precedent over the relationship.  Are your kids being loved, nurtured, listened to, and encouraged to serve as a member of the body of Christ?  If not, it might be time to counter the culture.

A book entitled Start With Amen: How I learned to Surrender by Keeping the End in Mind by Beth Guckenberger  shares a story about the boldness we need as Christians to counter the culture.  When Beth came home as a teen to announce that she needed to quit her job at a local video store because they were renting pornographic videos, her dad’s response was (pg. 166),

“So that’s it?” my dad challenged me.  “As Christians, when we see something we don’t agree with, we just run away?”

I looked at him questioningly.  “Set apart, holy?”

He fired back, “Salt, light?”

“If you feel God telling you to leave, obey him.  But in the absence of that, I would say you might be there for a reason…I am just a customer of the store, with an option to boycott.  You are an employee with tremendous power to make a difference.  Instead of thinking of what you can say, why don’t you see what you can do?”

Wow!

If only each of us as parents could be bold enough to listen to what God is saying and encourage our children in similar fashion to boldly counter whatever culture we live.  Are we parenting out of fear or parenting to make a change in the world around us?

I’ll admit, as a parent my first instinct would have been to ask my child to quit working at the video store.  It would be safer.  It would have calmed a fear that I am sure would have risen up within me.  Depending on the temperament or the age of my child, I might have seen the scenario very differently than this father, but oh my, his response feels like holy ground as I think about how he views the world in light of eternity.

Maybe as parents countering the culture might mean that we parent with the end in mind rather than the present circumstances. 

 

Scripture tells us how.

Philippians 3:14

I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

Dare you to look at the culture surrounding your family and listen to His voice rather than the voices of others.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Maybe you would like to join a community of christian moms who are being challenged as they parent the next generation.  Our With All Due Respect e-course offers you a chance to meet other moms who are in the same stage of life.  You’ll get to ask questions of the author, find encouragement, view relevant videos that enhance the materials as you experience this life-changing curriculum.  You’ll even have others who will be praying with you as you share your burdens.  So grab your book and come join us.

Or, if you’d rather lead your own small group, remember that the small group guide sale ends Labor day.  You can order your copy here.  Either way, we promise you an experience with God that will have you depending on Him for all your parenting needs.

With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens and Tweens by [Roesner, Nina, Hitchcock, Debbie]