Tag Archive for: Christian parenting

5 Things You Can Ask Yourself if You Have an Angry Teen

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Despair Or Hope Directions On A Metal Signpost

Sitting in the counselor’s office with her husband, Renee wondered how they had gotten to the place where they were. Their 13 year old son was filled with anger and resentment and it seemed hopeless that things would change. “Maybe the counselor can give us answers,” she had whispered hopefully to Jason as they were on the way to the appointment.

Listening to the psychologist’s interpretation of their son, his test scores, and his view of his life, made Renee’s heart pound. There was nothing new that the counselor was telling them. They were things Renee already knew about her son Brett. She just needed to know how to fix it!

As the session continued, the counselor was more interested in how she and Jason parented. What was life like at home? What were the relationships between Brett and his siblings? How was school? What was he like when he was younger? When was the change? What were the family rules?

Renee shared everything in an open fashion. She wanted her real son back. The one she remembered as a little boy.

Smiling.

Always happy.

She certainly had nothing to hide.

All she wanted was answers. How could she “fix” the situation?

As they left the office, it was obvious; this was going to take some time to sort through. But something from the conversation kept resonating in Renee’s mind.

“Renee, what could you and Jason do differently as you parent Brett? Think about that over the next few weeks and we’ll talk again at your next appointment.”

As parents, none of us is perfect. We sometimes get so caught up in responding to life circumstances that we forget to be proactive in assessing our own shortcomings. Unfortunately, it isn’t until life is off-kilter and our kids start responding in ways that we don’t understand, that we finally starting doing our own personal assessment.

Matthew 7:5

…first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Understanding what is causing your teen to respond with inappropriate behaviors that cause breakdown in relationships is something that we all need to do from time to time. I’ll admit, sometimes I’m much better at blaming my kid and dishing out consequences rather than looking at what I might have done to cause his reaction…or even more so, what I haven’t done to build our relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating that all teenage inappropriate responses are due to our inability to get the parenting thing right. What I am saying is that sometimes our kids model our responses to them and we aren’t looking in the mirror to see reality.

So today, I’m asking you to take a personal inventory of your parenting. Don’t look at this as an opportunity for condemnation, but look at it as an opportunity for growth.  Parenting can be one of the most difficult places for our love to shine. We feel responsible to get it right. But we also live in such close proximity to these kids that God has blessed us with that we don’t pause long enough before we react in most situations.

So what about you? 

Dare you to answer these questions or better yet, take your teen out to lunch and ask them these questions about you.  

  • Do I apologize and seek forgiveness from my teen when I am wrong?
  • Am I considered a good listener?
  • Does my teen perceive me as a positive person more than a complainer?
  • Am I connected to my teen’s other parent in a healthy relationship?
  • Do my teens trust me?

I don’t know about you, but some of these make me pause for contemplation. My prayer is that you will boldly take inventory asking God to help you make changes to model relationship well.  If you have dialogue with your teen, you’ll have opportunity to not only look in the mirror and get some honest feedback, but you’ll have opportunity to make amends and move forward in your relationship.

Above all else…

“Let go…and let God,”

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How to Keep Your Kids Connected at Church

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Cute teens with headphones showing thumbs up and smiling at camera

One of the things our family struggled with over the years was trying to keep our kids connected with other kids at church.  Since we didn’t live in the community surrounding our church, our kids didn’t have the opportunity to see other kids who attended unless there was a 30 minute drive involved. We had tried churches close to home, but nothing fit for us.  Hence, the drive.

What we experienced during those junior high and high school years is probably even more prevalent today.  With the megachurch model more families are making a longer commute to church which can sometimes make it more difficult for kids to connect.   With kids attending several schools rather than the typical one or two represented in a smaller community setting, teens tend to congregate with the kids they see more than on Sunday morning  leaving many to sit back on the fringe.

If we want our kids to remain in the church through the junior high and high school years and then into college, they need to see the church as a basis for friendship and the benefit of connecting with other Christians.  Modeling that for our kids means we see the importance of church friendships for ourselves as well rather than just Sunday morning acquaintances.

Shaunti Feldhahn’s research in For Parents Only confirms that our teens need to feel accepted, included, and that others want to be around them. That’s why if we connect friendship to the church we have a better chance of keeping our kids engaged for the long haul. For us as parents, it means we need to connect with other parents with kids our kids’ ages and get to know them as well.  Making church activities central in planning our lives helps our teens see the relevance of church in our lives.

So what can we do to help our tweens and teens feel connected to other church kids?

  • Encourage your kids to invite church kids over.  Use this as opportunity to get to know the parents.
  • Plan a hangout date at the pool or some other popular location with friends from church.
  • Encourage your kids to text or call kids during the week.
  • Be willing to drive. 
  • Offer up your home as a place for a youth group activity.

Another great way to get our kids connected is to send them on retreats or to youth conferences with a group from church.  Not only do these conference typically speak to our kids spiritually as they see thousands of other kids in worship and praise but it allows kids to be in a different environment where deeper relationships can be cultivated.  If your church doesn’t typically do this, do some research on options for conferences and consider taking a group of teens yourself with a few other parents. 

One summer my high school senior had planned to go to a conference with the church youth group.  The conference was held several weeks throughout the summer, but as luck would have it, the youth ministry had decided to only take the junior high kids that year.  Since we knew this was the last year my son would be able to attend, my  husband and I got a group of high school kids together and went down to the conference in Florida on our own.  Not only did these kids get to interact with other Christian kids for a week, but we got to know the teens in our group really well.  My son would say it was one of our best vacations ever!  It was almost as if we created an extended family for him.

Four years out of high school those are the kids he is still connected to even though each of them has gone their separate way.  Re-connection for them is like a church homecoming and the friendships quickly start up again just where they left off.  When they come home during the summer sometimes they’ll grab high school kids from church just to go hang out with them.  They’ve discovered the importance of peer relationships in cultivating their faith.

How well are your kids connected to their peers at church?  What steps do you need to take to get your kids more engaged?  I’d love to engage with you on this topic.  Hope you’ll comment.

“Let go…and let God”,

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Saying ‘No’ to Your Kids — 3 Things to Consider

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vintage word NO on a rusty red metallic surface

Saying ‘No’ to our kids is part of parenting–for most of us, it comes with the job description on a daily basis.

‘No’, I’m not buying you a cell phone.  You are only 11!

‘No’, I’m not taking you to your friend’s house right now.  You haven’t finished your homework.

‘No’, you can’t go to the mall with Sara even if she did get her license today.

‘No’, you can’t go sleep over at a friend’s house when I haven’t met the friend or the parents.

And typically, the tween or teen stomps off letting you know that they wish they had been born into another family where the mom is much more ‘cool’ than you.  “You never listen to me.  You’re ruining my life.” And, of course, they can’t wait until they are old enough to move out!  The door slams, we start questioning our judgment in the situation, thinking am I being that unreasonable?, and the relationship is severed in a way that we begin to wonder if things will ever be the same or possibly wishing they were old enough to move out.

Sound familiar?

So what are some things that could possibly change the outcome?

  1. Before saying ‘no’, say tell me more.  Most kids need to feel heard.  Our natural tendency when our kids request something that we feel is out of the question is to just say ‘no’ and move on expecting them to intuitively know that the request is ridiculous.  Tell me more says I respect you enough to listen to why you are making the request.
  2. Before saying ‘no’, ask yourself if you have time for this conversation.  Typically teens will hit us with requests when we are in the middle of something.  What seems like an earth shattering matter to them is the last thing we want to have to deal with at that point in time.  Rather than saying ‘no’ try saying something like “This sounds important to you and I want to be able to understand what you are thinking, can you come back in ____ minutes when I can give you my undivided attention?”  When you re-engage in conversation say tell me more.
  3. When you do say ‘no’, empathize with your teen’s feelings.  After the tell me more discussion, be brave enough to say ‘no’.  Just know that there will probably be emotion.  Most of us will feel a rush of frustration when someone tells us ‘no’.  Depending on the emotional maturity of our tweens and teens, they may flash from hope to hurt and disappointment to anger and resentment within seconds.  Empathizing and addressing your teen’s feelings in the moment will help them become more aware not only of what they are feeling but also help teach them that those feelings are understandable.  Empathy allows us to connect with our teens in such a way that they can more easily regulate back to neutral.  Saying something as simple as “I know you are probably upset with me right now because I had to say ‘no’, but know that I love you and even though it may not feel like it right now, we both want the same thing.  We want you to be successful when you are old enough to leave our home.”

Proverbs 18:13

If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.

Saying ‘no’ can sometimes be hard, and yes, it does involve more time on our part to do it with respect and empathy; however, the payback in connection can be well worth the time invested.  When we say ‘no’ without taking the time to link arms emotionally, our kids may feel that it is an “us against them” mentality which can bring a host of resentment and defensiveness.  Our job as parents is to instill in our kids that no matter our decision, and especially when we say ‘no’, that we love them enough to connect in the midst of their disappointment.

“Let go…and let God”

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I would love to have you join me as I take a group of women through our new e-Course using the book With All Due Respect: 40 days to a more fulfilling relationship with your teens and tweens.  The class starts mid-September. Pre-register now at a discount.  I’d love to get to know you better.  There will be video and opportunity to share with other women as we grow to be more like Him in our parenting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is Church Relevant to Your Teens?

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Do you have teens complaining about attending church?  Are you frustrated at your church youth program for your kid?  Do you question whether you should force your teen to attend church or just let them stay home?  Starting to doubt whether you’ll be successful in passing your faith on to your kids?

Recently, I was asked to talk about keeping our teens in church and what I discovered was a passion within me that I didn’t realize was so strong.  I do want my kids to remain strong in their faith and I know that the body of Christ is an important part of spurring our teens on.  Last week I wrote about the importance of adult community in the lives of our teens.  Adult community is a cornerstone in helping our kids stay involved in church.

At astounding rates, 70 percent as quoted by Lifeway Research, young people seem to be leaving the church.  The exodus tends to start around the age of 14 but picks up significantly during the 16-19 range.

While researchers will say that these young people, if well-grounded in their faith, will return when they start their own families, as parents most of us are concerned about the in-between phase.  These are the years when our kids are trying to discover who they are.  They are making major life decisions, not to mention the cultural influences they are bombarded with.

Let me suggest that rather than forcing our kids to go to church or allowing them to stay home, the real question is how do we still have relationship with our teens and woo them into attending church with us?  How do we make faith such an integral part of who they are that they see the value in it?

Make it relevant.

According to the Lifeway Research, the kids that remain in church do so because they find it relevant to them.  They will attend if they see some benefit of helping to make them a better person. Shaunti Feldhahn’s research in For Parents Only  shows that most tweens and teens want to know our values – faith being one of them.  One of our jobs as parents is to make it relevant seven days a week.

  • Talk about the sermons and their relevance to your life and your child’s life.
  • Let them see you reading your Bible during the week.
  • Pray with your kids.
  • Share your struggles (age appropriate) and how you are choosing to depend on God. 

If the sermons you hear in church on Sunday morning aren’t relative to your kids’ day-to-day life, maybe it’s time to find a new church—even if it is only for a season. 

A friend was struggling when her kids reached the teen years.  Most Sundays she was tired of wrestling the kids out of bed to attend church or hearing the quips about the sermon topics, Ten Points of the Ancient Church, or something else that her kids had little interest in.  Her husband loved the pastor’s sermons and felt he was gaining so much knowledge of scripture. Finally after much debate and watching her kids zone out on Sunday mornings, she and her husband agreed to allow their senior in high school to attend another church. 

She was amazed at the change in her son on Sunday.  Each week he would come home wanting to share what he had heard at his new church.  Within two months their son was asking if they would attend his church with him!  Not only did he miss attending with his parents, but he was learning things that he could apply to his life.

“Allowing my son to venture off to a new church energized him to take his faith seriously.  He became the initiator of our spiritual conversations and I saw a spiritual depth in him that I didn’t think existed.  Of course we started attending with him!”

Do your kids push back on church attendance?  Have you considered allowing them to change churches on their own?  Would you consider attending a new church with them?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.  I’ll be checking back to dialogue with you.

“Let go…and let God”,

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5 Steps to Take When Teens Don’t Respond to Requests

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As Beth entered the kitchen area with bags of groceries, she quickly recognized that her son was already home from school. His backpack had landed in the family room chair, his computer set up on the kitchen table with chips and a drink, and papers were in disarray next to the computer. What a mess, she thought. How many times do I have to ask him to work upstairs on the desk we put in his room?  He knows I’ll have to make him move before dinner anyway.

The tennis match must have been cancelled.  

Her thoughts continued as she hoisted the bags of groceries onto the kitchen counter.  Frustrated that she was behind schedule in getting dinner started and now with the mess on the kitchen table she had limited space to set the rest of  the groceries.

Beth hollered up the stairs. “Josh, can you come and help me carry in the groceries?”

“Give me a few minutes, Mom,” was the reply.

On her third return trip to the car, she could feel her frustration start to rise. How dare that kid not come down to help me! He’s probably upstairs in the middle of a video game and here I am having to carry in all these groceries in this heat.

She decided to just bring in the groceries that needed to be kept cold and leave the rest for Josh. Feeling her frustration start to turn to anger at the situation, she started putting the groceries in the fridge with a little more force than was necessary. Maybe I should just go upstairs and turn that game off. He needs to respond when I ask him to do something!

As she went to close the refrigerator door, a container of fresh blueberries tipped off the shelf and fell to the floor. As the lid sprung open, blueberries began rolling in every direction, even under the fridge. Anger mounting, down on hands and knees she began chasing the berries to return to the container. As she crawled on the floor, she started thinking of how she couldn’t wait for Josh to go away to college next year. Six months.  Then life will be so much easier.

Just then, he bounded down the stairs. “Sorry for taking so long,” he yelled from the entryway. “I’ll go bring the groceries in.”

As he entered the room, Josh saw his mom on the floor picking up the blueberries. “Here, Mom. Let me help you.”

Offering his hand to pull her up off the floor, Josh quickly gathered the rest of the blueberries. Handing her the container, he headed out to the car to bring in the other bags.

Feeling guilty at her earlier thoughts, Beth held her tongue as she watched Josh start to unload the bags for her. As they finished putting things away, the only words she could muster were “Thanks, Josh.”

 

It is so easy as parents to lose control of our thoughts and emotions when our kids aren’t doing things fast enough for our timetable.  Our thoughts and emotions quickly spiral to the negative.  Sometimes those thoughts are valid if we have repeated offence by a child but we need to remember that our job is to train our kids to desired behavior — not to take our frustrations out on them.

 

Something that might surprise you is that  the emotions we feel in the moment directly affect our perception of time. Negative emotions in particular seem to bring time to people’s attention and so make it seem longer. (10 Ways Our Brain Warps Time, June 2011)

1 Peter 1:13

Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.

So what are some of the steps we can take when we’re frustrated and our kids aren’t responding in what we feel is a timely fashion?

  1. Pause long enough to see how much time has transpired.
  2. Take notice of why you are upset at your kid.  Is the time frustration justified?  Are your emotions due to their current behavior or are other circumstances in play that have you on edge?
  3. Calm yourself before you engage.  
  4. Ask yourself these questions.  Is this a hill worth taking right now?  Can I make it a teachable moment without getting upset?  
  5. Engage with respect.

One way to engage with respect when your child doesn’t respond to your request is to seek him out.  Many times our kids are engaged with something that is important to them.  Hence, their brain is probably warping time as well.  

  • Calmly tell them that you’ve been waiting.
  • Assess if what they are engaged in is more important than your request.
  • Gently ask again.

Dare you to hold your emotions in check and count to 10 before engaging with your teens.  By doing so your relationships will be filled with better communication and less regret.

“Let go…and let God,”

Do Your Teens Have Adult Community?

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Young man consulting his business partner at meeting in office

Did you know that teenagers who seem to have the best success moving into healthy adulthood have a “community” of adults walking beside them?

The first place to look for that community is obviously at home.  Are both you and your spouse invested in your children in a positive way—daily? If not, find ways to connect on a relational level and not just a transactional level.  In other words, talk about something that is important to your child.  Don’t just focus on what he needs to do.

The next thing to consider is extended family.  Are grandparents and maybe some aunts, uncles, and cousins engaged enough to add to the spiritual connection aspect with your kids?  Extended family helps most kids figure out who they are, where they belong, and is an essential piece in helping our tweens and teens understand the bigger picture.

However, let’s face it, with the transient nature of our world today, it’s not the norm for extended family to live in close proximity.  If your family is like ours, we’re scattered from one coast to the other and even across the Atlantic.  Family get-togethers are next to impossible.  Cousins see each other at weddings and barely know the other. Aunts and uncles sometimes have only bits and pieces of information about our kids.  Our kids are not truly known by the family.

That’s why community is so important.  We need to help our kids connect to people who can impact their lives in a positive way.  They need to have relationship with people that have similar values to your own.

I love what Reggie Joiner and Carey Nieuwhof say in their book, Parenting Beyond Your Capacity. “When you widen your circle, the goal is to have other trusted adults in the lives of your children before they need them so they will be there when they need them.

Think about that.  What Joiner and Nieuwhof are really saying is that those relationships need to be forged now while your kids are still under your roof.

We’re not talking about acquaintances here.  We’re talking about people who are willing to pour into your kids, affirming them, giving them sound advice, and building trust.  These are people who are actively choosing to connect with your teens.

If these people are in place early in our kid’s lives, then when trouble brews (and it most likely will), and your kids don’t feel as though they can come to you, there is someone who can be there for them pointing them in the right direction.

Here’s a statistic for you–  

Mark Kelly from LifeWay Christian Resources says “Teens who had at least one adult from church make a significant time investment in their lives…were more likely to keep attending church. Of those who stayed in church—by a margin of 46 to 28 percent—said five or more adults at church had invested time with them personally and spiritually.”

That means we need to help our kids find meaningful relationships in the church—and lots of them.

So where do we start?

Create community with those who live near you and have similar values.

I didn’t realize the significance of that community until my son’s graduation party several years ago. 

The whirlwind day had been planned and the only thing left was execution—or so I thought.  As we hurried out of church to start the setup before guests arrived, I saw my son walk up to a man and shake his hand.  “I’m looking forward to seeing you this afternoon at my graduation party.”

Shocked beyond belief and feeling like I wanted to hide under a rock, it hit me that I had obviously left someone important to my son off the guest list. Somehow I managed to pull myself together enough to apologize profusely and invited the man and his wife to our home for the celebration.  In the car on our way home my son rattled off his list of memories with this important man in his life.  I was absolutely amazed at the depth of their relationship.

Even though my son has graduated from college and been out on his own for several years now, he has maintained a relationship with this dear man—and to think that as a mother I had no idea as to the significance of their connection. 

What I discovered was that this man had impacted my son from AWANA and continued connecting with him regularly—just to say “hi” and ask him what he was doing in his life.  He made my son feel important and significant.

What more could a mom want for her child?

So how do you build that community? 

  • Encourage your kids to participate in activities that will naturally breed relationship. I mentioned AWANA which is a fun kid’s program that focuses on scripture memory, but good youth programs or retreats will do the same thing.  Find a program where the leaders want to be there and love kids.  Make sure your kids are encouraged by the adult leaders and that relationship is built one-on-one.
  • Find families with similar age kids and create your own community. Have a cookout, go camping together, find ways to engage the families such that the adults get to know the kids and are willing to pour into them.  Create activities where your kids will be known by the other adults.
  • Become friends with parents who are further along in the parenting process. Empty-nesters are a great place to connect.  Not only do they have time to pour into your kids but they have the experience to help you navigate the bumps in the road when things get difficult.  Treasure these people like pure gold.

My oldest had one of those ‘pure gold’ people in his life.  This gentleman met with my son weekly over coffee from the time my son was 16.  Not only would they meet at my son’s favorite place, but I’d frequently see them together in the hallway at church on Sunday morning.  On occasion, after my son had given him permission, I would get a call from this dear soul asking to pray with me about a particular situation my son had shared with him. 

Wow!  Talk about connection.

There was a time in my son’s life when he was contemplating some heavy decisions about his then upcoming marriage.  Yes, my son spoke to both my husband and me about what he was wrestling with, but his first thought was to go to this beloved mentor.  I thank God for this awesome man who has so touched our family.

Whether we want to believe it or not, our teens don’t want to tell us everything.  They need people who will pour into them and bridge the gap just like this ‘pure gold’ man did for us.

Dare You to start looking for adults outside the family to create connection for your teens.  I guarantee it will be worth the time invested!

“Let go…and let God”,

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The book is out!  If you want a more fulfilling and deeper connection with your tweens and teens, With All Due Respect can help you pave the way.  Or sign up for our free Parenting Tips! here.

We’re also excited to announce that you can pre-register for our With All Due Respect eCourse that begins mid-September!  Check it out here.  We’d love to have you join us as we learn in community. 🙂